Idle Hands

By Cogito · Jan 17, 2010 · ·
Categories:
  1. This is in response to another challenge, that it would be impossible to write an interesting story about a man walking down the street twiddling his thumbs.

    ****

    Despite its name, Broadway at half-past nine on a Tuesday morning closes in on you. Matt paid the vendor for his breakfast, a foot long hot dog with onions, mustard, and sauerkraut, and took his first bite. Around him, people hurried past in nearly every possible direction. Even with the density of the crowd, there was almost no jostling. Men and women in suits, with briefcases or shoulder bags, hurried past bronzed and bearded laborers in dungarees and printed tees without making physical or even eye contact. Smells constantly swirled past as well. Pungent body odor gave way to a whiff of patchouli, followed by a passing cloud of cigar smoke. A strong fragrance of perfume gave way a moment later to a nearby toke of weed, and all around was the aroma of varied foods from the line of vendor carts along the curb.

    Matt wadded up the empty wrapper and dropped it into the nearest trash receptacle. The air was already turning muggy. He stepped out into the thick of the crowd, and began walking slowly up the street. He causally laced his fingers in front of him, and started to roll his thumbs.

    The crowd changed almost instantly. A bubble of open space formed around him. A gray-haired woman with a lavender silk scarf and a conservative medium grey suit glared at him as she shifted her path to avoid him. A thin man in a black jacket and jeans, and a glowing Bluetooth earpiece, paused from his loud stream of Spanish and caught Matt’s eye. Then he quickly looked away and stepped to the side, nearly colliding with a muscular black youth with a shaved head and half a dozen chain necklaces.

    Something struck Matt’s shoulder from behind, and he stumbled but did not fall. A stocky, heavily-inked biker with greasy black hair and a bushy beard swept past without looking back.

    Matt took a deep breath, but kept on twiddling his thumbs. He drifted over to a produce stand in front of the Commerce Bank, out of the main flow of pedestrians. But he was not beyond their notice. Faces turned toward him in contempt, while others turned pointedly away from him. An aging drag queen with frosted curly hair and heavy makeup winked lewdly and blew him a kiss.

    “Wassup with you, man? You high on sumpin’?” A man with stringy hair, badly in need of a shave and some new clothing was grinning at him through broken yellow teeth. “Got any to share?” He laughed wheezingly and shuffled away.

    Matt varied the twiddling, sometimes rolling his thumbs forward, sometimes backward, sometimes alternating every second or two. He kept what he felt was a harmless expression, or maybe it was just a vacant stare.

    “Hey you!” Matt turned toward the voice. The produce vendor, a short Asian man in a Hawaiian shirt and baggy shorts, was facing him with his hands on his hips. “Get outa here! You’re scaring away my business. Now move it!”

    Matt smiled and nodded his head, and joined the crowd again. He found a new spot in front of a Borders book store, where a standing sign easel left a void in the flow of the crowd. He glanced at a clock across the street. Not even ten o’clock yet. The crowd was beginning to thin somewhat after the peak morning rush. A youth with blue hair and a face full of metal body art stared at him from across the street for several seconds, then hurried away.

    A street performer approached him, and began mimicking him with exaggerated motions. Matt ignored him, and after a few minutes, the performer shrugged broadly with a shake of his head, and instead followed a shapely redhead, copying her every move as she window shopped. She caught his reflection in the window of a jewelry store, and laughed. She reached into her purse and dropped a dollar bill into his proffered hat, and they walked off in different directions.

    The blue-haired youth returned with three of his friends. They started twiddling their thumbs, too, and stepping in front of passers-by, blocking their path. Within less than a minute, an impatient woman they confronted gave one of the boys a shove. One of the others, a round-headed young man with his black hair cut to a dense fuzz, grabbed the woman’s arm and shook her. A moment later, a patrolman was on the scene.

    Matt dropped his hands and slipped through the crowd. He looked in vain for a Metro entrance, and instead hurried into a crowded deli, his heart thudding. He joined the line for the espresso counter, and pulled his cell out of his pocket and dialed. Frank answered on the second ring.

    “What the hell did you do, Matt, start a riot?”
    Matt kept his voice low. “Never mind. You won the bet. I couldn’t go the full hour.”

    Frank laughed. “I’m surprised you made it this far. I’ll bet another twenty you get arrested before the end of the hour.”

    “I’ll take that bet. See you in thirty.” Matt snapped the cell closed, and planned his next move.
    Categories:

Comments

  1. DvnMrtn
    I wasn't sure if you wanted any critique or not but I here is some:

    I really liked the first sentence.

    Men and women in suits, with briefcases or shoulder bags, hurried past bronzed and bearded laborers in dungarees and printed tees without making physical even eye contact. Needs re-wording

    Matt ignored him, an after a fer minutes, the performer shrugged broadly with a shake of his head, and instead followed a shapely redhead, copying her every move as she window shopped.

    I really like this short bit. You do a good job of describing the environment. I was thinking along the way how awesome it would be if in this world for whatever reason twiddling your thumbs is the utmost nastiest gesture one could make. Although by the end of the story it seems that you were thinking something a long the same lines. The ending is a bit confusing though because we are never told why everyone is throwing such an uproar. Not that you need to tell but maybe show it some more. The part where the guy says "you're scaring my business was good". Also it would be nice if we could get inside Matt's head and gauge his feelings towards other peoples reactions.

    Overall it was a really good short piece.
  2. Cogito
    Thanks Devon. I fixed the typos you pointed out. To be honest, I dashed this off in a couple hours. I wasn't really looking for a critique, because this story was more to make a point than to be a polished piece of fiction. It was an intellectual exercise, writing down what was in my head after a few hours' sleep.

    I often tell people that a story concept is nothing, it's the execution that makes or breaks it. If I could throw this together in the time it took to type it in, from an "unwriteable" concept, then a really good writer could make a great, publishable story on such an empty story idea with a couple days' effort.
  3. Fabulosa
    Bravo!

    You made your point beautifully.
  4. Katherina
    Pretty amazing writing! You described the place really well and I could imagine everything around as the story took place.

    Now I´ve learned something new;)

    Thanks for sharing your work, it was very interesting to read and I enjoyed it a lot.

    But I can´t help wondering what would have happened to Matt next:eek:
  5. leroymiller
    What is this about?
  6. leroymiller
    This is in response to another challenge, that it would be impossible to write an interesting story about a man walking down the street twiddling his thumbs.

    ****

    Despite its name, Broadway at half-past nine on a Tuesday morning closes in on you. Matt paid the vendor for his breakfast, a foot long hot dog with onions, mustard, and sauerkraut, and took his first bite. maybe "took a bite" or change what he's eating so it makes sense Around him, people hurried past in nearly every possible direction. Even with the density of the crowd, there was almost no jostling. Men and women in suits, with briefcases or shoulder bags, hurried past bronzed and bearded laborers in dungarees and printed tees without making physicalRedundant and obvious or even eye contact. Smells constantly swirled past as wellBaby you don't need "as well". Pungent body odor gave way to a whiff of patchouli,When is this set?? followed by a passing cloud of cigar smoke. A strong fragrance of perfume gave way a moment later to a nearby toke of weed"toke of weed" makes you sound like an old person trying to write like a young person(??), and all around was the aroma of varied foods from the line of vendor carts along the curb.

    Matt wadded up the empty wrapper and dropped it into the nearest trash receptacle. The air was already turning muggy. He stepped out into the thick of the crowd, and began walking slowly up the street. He causally laced his fingers in front of him, and started to roll his thumbs.

    The crowd changed almost instantly. A bubble of open space formed around him. A gray-haired woman with a lavender silk scarf and a conservative medium grey suit glared at him as she shifted her path to avoid him. A thin man in a black jacket and jeans, and a glowing Bluetooth earpiece, paused from his loud stream of Spanish and caught Matt’s eye. Then he quickly looked away and stepped to the side, nearly colliding with a muscular black youth with a shaved head and half a dozen chain necklaces.

    Something struck Matt’s shoulder from behind, and he stumbled but did not fall. A stocky, heavily-inked biker with greasy black hair and a bushy beard swept past without looking back.

    Matt took a deep breath, but kept on twiddling his thumbs. He drifted over to a produce stand in front of the Commerce Bank, out of the main flow of pedestrians. But he was not beyond their notice. Faces turned toward him in contempt, while others turned pointedly away from him. An aging drag queen with frosted curly hair and heavy makeup winked lewdly and blew him a kiss.Lewdly doesn't fit here I think

    “Wassup with you, man? You high on sumpin’?” A man with stringy hair, badly in need of a shave and some new clothing was grinning at him through broken yellow teeth. “Got any to share?” He laughed wheezingly and shuffled away.

    Matt varied the twiddling, sometimes rolling his thumbs forward, sometimes backward, sometimes alternating every second or two. He kept what he felt was a harmless expression, or maybe it was just a vacant stare. I dont think you need this paragraph

    “Hey you!” Matt turned toward the voice. The produce vendor, a short Asian man in a Hawaiian shirt and baggy shorts, was facing him with his hands on his hips. “Get outa here! You’re scaring away my business. Now move it!”

    Matt smiled and nodded his head, and joined the crowd again. He found a new spot in front of a Borders book store, where a standing sign easel left a void in the flow of the crowd. He glanced at a clock across the street. Not even ten o’clock yet. The crowd was beginning to thin somewhat after the peak morning rush. A youth with blue hair and a face full of metal body art stared at him from across the street for several seconds, then hurried away.

    A street performer approached him, and began mimicking him with exaggerated motions. Matt ignored him, and after a few minutes, the performer shrugged broadly with a shake of his head, and instead followed a shapely redhead, copying her every move as she window shopped. She caught his reflection in the window of a jewelry store, and laughed. She reached into her purse and dropped a dollar bill into his proffered hat, and they walked off in different directions. I have never seen one of these street performers is this set in an alternate universe or the near future?

    The blue-haired youth returned with three of his friends. They started twiddling their thumbs, too, and stepping in front of passers-by, blocking their path. Within less than a minute, an impatient woman they confronted gave one of the boys a shove. One of the others, a round-headed young man with his black hair cut to a dense fuzz, grabbed the woman’s arm and shook her. A moment later, a patrolman was on the scene.So was it inspiring that he was twiddling his thumbs?

    Matt dropped his hands and slipped through the crowd. He looked in vain for a Metro entrance, and instead hurried into a crowded deli, his heart thudding. He joined the line for the espresso counter, and pulled his cell out of his pocket and dialed. Frank answered on the second ring.

    “What the hell did you do, Matt, start a riot?”
    Matt kept his voice low. “Never mind. You won the bet. I couldn’t go the full hour.”

    Frank laughed. “I’m surprised you made it this far. I’ll bet another twenty you get arrested before the end of the hour.” Why don't you take away the part where he's eating to hotdog or make it clear he is cheating the man he is betting with?

    “I’ll take that bet. See you in thirty.” Matt snapped the cell closed, and planned his next move.

    A lot of it is really well structured but it doesn't really make sense and doesn't seem very justifiable.
  7. John Cleeves
    This reads like a catalogue. Do we need to know the beard length, hair condition, and clothing or everyone he meets?
  8. Jayyy1014
    Good Job :) Point proven! :D
  9. maidahla
    oh great. now i'm inspired
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