I'm an idiot.

By Rei · Jan 25, 2010 · 634 · 8
  1. For three days, I spent the evening with a wonderfylly kind, gentle, young man. Very innocent and nervous. I feel so safe and paceful with him. I felt so peaceful that I thought I could finally, safely, send a message to my ex saying that I forgive him for everything he did wrong, and that I hoped he could find it in his heart to forgive me for what I did. He responded with pure anger and hatred, blamed me for everything that went wrong. I tried leaving him so many times, but he always guilted me into staying, and he hates me for how long he put up with me. He said I desvered everything he did to me and he desvered none of it, no matter how many times he lied to me, no matter how many times he took everyone's side in a conflict but mine, no matter how many times he would never stand up for me or take five seconds to think about how I felt.

    I thought I could try again to not have to be alone. I thought I was ready, but I'm not. I desvere to be alone. It will upset this new friend, but it will only hurt him more in the long run if I don't cut things short now.

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  1. losthawken
    Ouch, Rei-dear it hurts just to read this. I'm so sorry for your pain.

    Don't let the past run your future though. It's gone. Your Ex sounds like a dangerous individual and you should be proud of yourself for getting out while you could. Although you may not have escaped before he could infect you a little with his poison.

    You don't deserve to be alone. Relationships always hurt, so does growing as an individual. Just make sure the hurt always makes you both better and it will be OK. I wish I knew all the right words to encourage you in your situation. Just don't give up you are a great person, I've seen you around the forum.

    Don't let the pride and evil of one member of my gender ruin your view of yourself or men.

    *Please*
    losthawken, Jan 25, 2010
  2. Rei
    The point is that he's not wrong about everything. I was just as wrong as he was in how we treated each other, but it was always all my fault, no matter what.
    Rei, Jan 25, 2010
  3. NaCl
    People are human...we all make mistakes. You have to learn to forgive yourself, before you can forgive others. Ah but, ethnics may be at work here. I've never met a Jewish mother who would let go of guilt...LOL. It's an important cultural tool in Judaism. Only Catholics come even close in skill to Jews when it comes to guilt. So, break the mold...well, maybe just a little bit...and toss your guilt to the curb where it belongs.
    NaCl, Jan 25, 2010
  4. Cosmos
    Whether this guy will forgive you or not, you must forgive yourself. And more importantly see why you deserved better than a man who treated you as such. I had an ex who guilted me into staying with him and after I finally left him, proceeded to blame me for everything. For a while it damaged my self-esteem, but I think I'm over it today. You need to realize that his bitterness, manipulation and creulty is not a reflection on you, and that you deserve to be happy.
    Cosmos, Jan 26, 2010
  5. Rei
    The question becomes, how do I prevent this kind of thing from happening again? Some of the mistakes were mine.
    Rei, Jan 26, 2010
  6. NaCl
    They say the first step to fixing a problem is to identify it. If you know what mistakes you made, then you are well on the way to crrecting the problems.
    NaCl, Jan 26, 2010
  7. losthawken
    I would add that the next step after that is looking at your motivation. Most of the time conflicts in relationship result from one person trying to fill their own need, but communicating poorly. "I wish you would support me once in a while," doesn't come across as well as "I need you right now."

    "Don't try to fix me!" doesn't come across as well as, "I really just need a listening ear right now."

    Communication is key, after that you 'just' need to make sure that the needs you are trying to fill with your significant other are reasonable and appropriate.

    My 2 cents
    losthawken, Jan 26, 2010
  8. maidahl
    That title is pretty much amazing. People should admit this more.
    maidahl, Aug 25, 2012
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