I'm torn between what keeps me whole and what tears me in half
Do you ever feel so torn between polar opposite emotions that you just end up being neutral? Unfeeling and uncaring? Like a robot? Just because you are so confused about how you should feel? How you want to feel?
I feel like that. Sort of. Sometimes. Except when I'm so torn that is depresses me. I can't feel happiness. I can fake it, and sometimes it's real, just for a while, but it eventually fades. It's inevitable, when you're torn.
I am torn between happiness, and depression. Sometimes I feel like I just want to cry and never stop because that's what makes everything better. At the same time I don't want to because I want to get better. I want to heal.
I know I can't heal. Not yet. Not when the wound is so fresh, and when I'm still being wounded.
I know I can't be depressed though. I don't want to go into a slum. No. Not again. It's to soon, much, much too soon for that. And I don't want to worry anyone. And I don't want to tell anyone.
No. I can't tell anyone. Because then it all comes rushing back and I'm crying like a baby in front of them. Even if I don't really know them.
Do you know how embarrassing it is to cry in front of people???
So I'm trying to be happy. To appear happy. To act strong. Maybe if I pretend to be strong, I will actually gain strength.
And it comes so randomly!!! Not strength. The unending tears. The unstoppable tears. The tears that make everyone worry, that make everyone make me tell them what's wrong.
Why? Why can't they just come when I want them too? When I want to cry? No. They come when I don't want to cry. Because they want to torture me. It's not good enough for them that I'm already dealing with unbearable pain. They want me to endure more pain, and suffering, and embarrassment.
All I want is to be strong. And for this to be over. Because then everything will be alright, and we can all go back to being happy.
Oma will be walking with God. And she'll be happy. She'll never feel the agony of cancer again. And we'll be happy. We'll never have to worry if she's alright, because we will know.
Of course there will be grieving. A great deal of it too. But after that's over, everything will be good. Easy.
I wish things were easy.
Soon they will be.
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