Just letting the mind wander

Another summer gone, another year coming to an end. I can feel the cold already, and it feels like I took that morning walk through the snow only a day ago. One less year I'll have with my parents. One less year I'll have with my dog. One less year I'll have to make things right. Whatever right even is.

I won't grow old willingly, I promise you that friend. I'll fight you to end it until the day I die. I won't willingly decay in some nursing home. God willing I would even be lucky enough to get to one. I'll make you die alone, I'm stubborn enough to see that through. Even if 'happiness' was placed in front of me, I'm quite certain I would walk the other way. That type of happiness isn't for me. I won't have it. It's primal,it's fake. Something ingrained in the species before consciousness even arose. We're operating a machine designed to eat, fuck, kill, and sleep. Then we sleep eat, sleep fuck, sleep kill, and even sleep sleep.

I certainly didn't design this. Somehow we think that's what WE want. What is we? Is my hunger for food, me? Is my lust, me? What about my fetishes, things that I cannot change even if I wanted. Obviously not me if I don't want it to be. Are you an ass man? Do you like feet? Hell, do you like other guys? Animals? Big Ivory dildos? Does it turn you on to rub shit on yourself? Do golden showers make you lose all control?

When discovering these fetishes do we allow the little black boy from neverland to wipe doubt from our face and say
"Oh, there you are Peter"
Are we found, have we discovered our true self?



That ain't you, that's written code, written before you were born, or written while your eyes were closed.