lost & found.

If college is the place where you’re supposed to “find yourself,” why do I feel like I’ve lost myself? I am struggling with my own identity as a person, an individual, and a lover. Is it the people I’ve surrounded myself with? I thought I was surrounded by good influences as I started getting better grades, busting my butt, and getting involved. Why do I feel less of an individual than ever before? Is it because I’ve molded myself so well into a form that I don’t even know who I am anymore? I used to love to do a variety of things; I used to be someone special. If I can’t figure out what I love and why, how am I ever going to be truly loved by someone else? I know there are things that I love but why do I wake up every morning? As I slowly approach my last semester as a college student, I question who I am and what makes me, me. I know it is possible for me to have just not figured that out yet, but it’s getting to be an important piece of me that is missing. In an attempt to find that piece, I will write.
Since high school I’ve always enjoyed writing and since getting a blog, I’ve enjoyed it even more. Recently however, I’ve been struggling with my writing because of a certain professor who told me that my writing was terrible and primitive. Although I was always told to take what professors say with a grain of salt, this particular comment hit me hard. After trying a number of times to impress him, I continued to fail. My confidence was shot because writing was the only way I knew how to truly express my feelings in a way that I didn’t need to hold back. I also felt embarrassed to ask for help in improving my writing skills, which may have been the crucial mistake. Throughout my childhood, my parents raised me to try a variety of things such as playing different instruments, playing different sports, and experiencing new opportunities. As a child I tried singing, playing the violin, clarinet, and piano and in high school I played basketball and golf. As I got older, I became interested in traveling as well as learning about different cultures around the world. In my free time, I enjoyed writing but never followed this passion with any seriousness. Unfortunately, there was a lot of quitting in my life growing up and I was never told to get through the difficult times of improvement. Instead, I simply just gave up. This is a point of learning because after being discouraged from writing by this specific professor, I am determined to fight through and practice my writing in hopes to make it better. Making a commitment to this passion will hopefully prove me right in my thoughts that the reason I wake up in the morning is to write. Perhaps I need to push myself to get involved in the University newspaper and improve my skills rather than give it up.
Not quite sure if there is something else missing, but hopefully through my journey with writing I’ll find what I’m looking for. I know I will figure it out at some point but I just thought it was supposed to be in college. I suppose only time and determination will tell.