Low-grade anxiety

First and foremost, this is new for me. I'm not that person. I usually keep my mouth shut when people talk about their trials and tribulations with depression, anxiety, etc. because there's an admittedly ungenerous part of me that is whispering "Man the fuck up and quit your fucking griping". There's a part of my brain that feels people have gotten too invested in shopping around for that one doctor who will diagnose away all their responsibility and accountability with a neat little phrase from the DSM-V and a bottle of Pfizer's latest panacea. It's not a pretty admission, but it's a truth about me. I have a cousin who's got a slip of paper for any occasion you can think of. She sold her adulthood for a life of bottom-rung leisure. It's all provided for her. She doesn't have to do shit. I've got my own baggage, like anyone, and it's the kind of baggage that easily qualifies in most peoples' mind as "Oh, poor thing. Cut him some slack. Just imagine having to deal with that." But I don't let that be who I am.

But this past week of uncertainty and confusion. Seeing the political red cape being being waved in front of the zeitgeistian snout, knowing that it's a ruse, a feint, misdirection; looking to see whence truly comes the sword.

Everyone says, "Just wait. Give him a chance."

Easy enough to say when you have no stakes in what's happening. I'm gay. I'm Latino. This isn't academic. This is very likely going to affect me directly. And not just in an "Oh, I don't agree with that" sort of way, but in an "Here are the new restrictions that directly affect the way you live your day to day life" sort of way.

You know the feeling if you've ever had it. Just below your sternum, at the top of your belly, three inches into the middle of your torso. That knot of worms that won't let you sleep. That.

I once had a close brush with the law when I was young, and not in a small way. I lucked out and came away from that event without it hurting me and a whole lot wiser about who I let into my close circle. But before I knew that I was going to be okay, when it was still very much up in the air, it's the only other time in my life that I felt this way, ever.