Melancholy Hill

This is a beautiful cover. Lends it`s own thing to the song.

"Momma said fulfill the prophecy go be something great. Manifest destiny"

I`ve had a few near death experiences in my short life. Two as a young child before I could even really have memories. Car crash and a sociopathic (not hyperbole) uncle who was worried about my share of a family inheritance respectively. ...wtf is with the inheritance issues on both sides of my family....If I ever amass anything with worth it`s all going to charity when I pass....not the point. Another car crash, when I was older, two drowning incidents , and three suicide attempts. Not to mention the time someone tried to strangle me or the multiple death threats my family got when I was a kid.

Funny enough, I didn`t have a lot as a kid in ways of fancy toys. So when someone hung a brand new Elmo doll in a nose from a tree as a omnuis message I ended up keeping it and dragged that thing around everywhere.

Suicide me Elmo.

I somehow manged to make it through all that mostly unscathed. I don`t know how the hell that was done. I also glowed in the dark for a while after my dad passed while he was holding me as a baby. Never dropped me though.

My mother being a supertouis and spiritual person...who sometimes takes all that a little to far....wraps that all together as having some great meaning. That some sort of angel held me there when my father died until she got home, and that they kept me on this earth because of some purpose I had to do. Hell there`s no way to prove this but because I never cried in the car crash as a baby she honestly believes I died then and came back...I feel like at that young a age had I died i`d had been dead dead....but the idea that some enity sent me back has been stuck in her head for as long as I can remember.

You know the pressure that shit felt like growing up? Still does. This idea of some grandous purpose like i`m some essential npc.

As of yet I have not fulfilled that prophecy or come any close to that measure. College drop out, clinically depressed, yet to "overcome" the ADHD or the autism, not very frugal with my money, working a unimpressive job(would be if people actually knew the shit we go through daily), still haven`t used my "great voice" as a writer, kinda just stuck, and a list of other things she views as disappointments. There`s also the fact my belief in her pizzagate the queens a lizard consipacry theories only goes so far.

Our relationship`s complicated. Strained and breaking but we`ve both never really had anyone in this world we could relay on other then each other so we just begrudgingly keep going same as always.

It`s not even her pressure, I`m used to that and I can kinda shrug it off. It`s the pressure from myself that breaks me. I constantly want to change push pass all the scar tissue the numbness, and all of it. Everytime I slip up on the way I toss in the towel and hate myself even more. I make strides slowly, but it`s not enough nothing ever comes together smoothly. The voices in my head still go on and on and on on.

I take a few little steps one way so many back. It`s not lack of ambition, I have that. I have this drive inside of me, things I want to do, visions, and it`d probably be easier if I didn`t. Goals, hopes, dreams, and ambitions that`s all there. What`s missing is almost ...drive....hope...just the ability to pass this wall of dread and get up and get started. Trouble getting things started or switching tasks is a ADHD symptom.....or maybe i`m just a lazy bastard.

Growing up has made me numb and I just want to feel again.

I was off today after a six day stretch. Go back for five more then two days off. After that who knows. Checking my sadly underused 2019-2020 planner there`s a week before Thanksgiving week. What the hell. November isn`t supposed to be this short I tell you. All my plans for November kinda slipped away there.

Looking at the planner, I have a mangers house party on Sat, then a week to get in the day off requests for the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and the Saturday and Monday after. If that many will be granted. Though if Sunday starts a new week, two days off a week. Idk. Supposed to be slow around Thanksgiving. Idk what to put in the reasons section. If I put those in I will probably get put working Thanksgiving but I hardly mind. We don`t really do holidays or tradition or anything of that sort. If I get off early I can go use my discount on the hotels Thanksgiving meal. My only plan if I got it off was to see if I could volenteer the day at the soup kitchen or something. Though doing that sort of thing only on holidays always rubbed me wrong. Like it only matters once a year because some words got scribbled on a calendar. Though they can be a good time to start.

Barley got the ball rolling on my November goals. I kinda just slowly moved some pebbles this month. Today I got up, cancelled a doctors appointment I no longer have the insurance to cover then mostly just rested and ate cheese cake. Work wiped me out this week so maybe I needed it but there`s so much in my head that I want to do.

Deep clean my room, write, and the list goes on but my body need it`s rest. Thing is when I rest my brain tends to take it as failure. Doesn`t help I have little balance between anything. Resting or working its one unhealthy extreme or the other.

Mother came home, won some kind of award at work. Went out to celebrate ...well I was celebrating that...she couldn`t have cared less. She was celebrating the supposedly good things going on with her get rich quick scheme which involves Trump being a space god....thats a thing. I was fine enough going in but somewhere in the middle ended up getting this intense melancholy come over me. Not sure why, probably really isn`t a reason.

I am kinda feeling remotivated to get back on the wagon and try to actually start the path i`ve been trying to walk for a while now again.....starting tomorrow.... I`ve already taken steps on it slowly...but that`s not good enough for me or my anxiety.

That`ll be for tomorrow though. Tonight riding this melancholy out, getting one last piece of cheesecake, talking to my two best-friends (one about a new job and staying up with the other until there girl friend returns home from a over twelve hour day.) watching Stumptown and then going to bed so tomorrow can come even sooner.


I don`t know if these are even coherent but as a decompression method there not bad.