MJ is Dead! (A real Thriller!)

It's so damn sad! Michael Jackson has died! What will I do now that a washed up child molester has kicked the bucket! Probably get on with my life.

I hear people saying on various forums and news sites that this is a tragic loss of one of America's great talents. Ok, Thriller was bad ass, but what has that pasty, old, white woman done for society since being a strapping, young, black lad? Besides trying to bring pederasty back en vogue? (This is NEVERLAND!)

The sheeple seem so shocked at his sudden death. I've got a question, did he really look that healthy to you? And if he did, you need to see a doctor because you probably have cancer or something.

Now I will say this, I feel bad for his family. His children are probably heart-broken over the loss of their dad and that sucks. But, on the plus side, now they will inherit millions of dollars. I'm generally not in favor of money being a substitute for emotion, but if my name was "Blanket" I don't think I would stay sad for long. I would go out and buy an Ice Cream Parlor and eat my way down a rocky road of blissful joy.

This brings me to another point. What are his kids going to do? Do they hold jobs? I would have done research into this but I really don't care that much. Do you go into an interview and say 'Hello, my father was the king of Pop. I hear AMC is looking for a new snack bar manager...'

The biggest tragedy, I think, is that the Pop Mufasa is getting more attention than Farrah Fawcett, who was also sent to the planet that all other "dead" celebrities go to. It is debatable who slept with more men, but I can guarantee that more men masturbated to Farrah Fawcett. (At least willingly.) That alone should have 'raised' her popularity. (I'm not above cheap penis jokes.)

In conclusion, I think I shall commemorate both of the beloved celebrities at once. I think I'll throw 'Beat it' on repeat and hit Google for an image search. (See, told you.)