So now that I'm past the whole 'get my stuff back' part and 'change my phone number so I'll quit getting harassed by a mommy' part, I'm now in the 'sad.' part. I know I can't be the only person that feels like they've done something wrong when a powerful relationship ends, but I still kind of feel so. I keep lying awake in bed thinking "well, if I hadn't done this, or said this, maybe it wouldn't have initially sparked bad feelings and we would've worked out."
I just think this whole situation sucks, hardcore. I really loved (love) this guy and suddenly it's weird because I haven't spoken to him in 2 weeks and just because of the way the whole situation played out (he got violent, then I, in response, got violent) I know it has to stay that way.
I didn't want anything other than to be his wife and have his kids (puke, i know...) and suddenly I'm #1 on his public enemy list. I've never had a friendship/relationship anything end this badly, but I've also never cared so deeply for someone.
I try to keep telling myself that if I love someone and if it's meant to be, it will and that person will accept me for all my tantrums and emotional baggage and all those little broken pieces that make me who I am.
But what I don't understand is how I could be so wrong about something (someone).
I don't know... am I the only person that believes in fate? It's a belief I've always held but it's kind of slipping, what with my fresh ex getting too hard into drugs to deal with and the one before that (The one I didn't stay with BECAUSE this fresh ex came into my life) passing away...
I spent the last two weeks of this guy's life with the new guy because I was trying to follow my heart and it got me nowhere. I think my heart needs a GPS system....
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