My Life

Hello world,

I am not much of a blogger, in fact i don't blog at all...I just would like to share a few quotes and 'one liners' that i have written over the past few years. i usually put them on facebook. but they disappear too quickly. so here are just a few that i was able to find. newest first.

-The hare and the tortoise is a sex metaphor.

-That shirt looks good on you.
It would look better stuffed into the neck of a vodka and flung through your window.

-A Wally by any other name would be just as hard to find.

-there is something about you that i just cant put my finger on,
Because it would be illegal.

-The peas are always greener on the other pie (i work in a pie shop)

-t'was a mild night upon The Hill*, The ocean lay quiet and and the air stood still.
the city lights sparkled just below, as though the stars had settled with an evening mellow
waiting for the moon to rise, to light the streets with brilliant white,
a man sat at his computer, and waited for such a sight.
Whisky to his left and coke to his right it seem as though he was not going anywhere this thursday night.
But low and behold something would ruin his mood, for the man on his mac was clean out of food.
He could not drive as he had already drunk, but the hill was steep, thus his happiness sunk.
"Oh well" he exclaimed with a whisky ladened breath, perhaps i will just starve to death.
(*The hill is a suburb)

-The words "To Be Continued" are not conducive to study

-There once was a man in a pie shop
Who started eating and could stop,
His future looked grim
When he spotted the bin,
There once was a man in a pie shop.

-There once was a man who sold pies
Who has curly hair and told no lies.
One night in the shop,
A little pill he did pop,
And now all the pastries have eyes!

-how to repair a book; By Me
1. place book on table
2. put superglue between spine of book and front cover
3. squeeze together and place hand or something heavy on book
4. remove book from table - leaving part of the cover glued to the table
5. panic
6. assure your self that its not overly noticeable - its only a glass tabletop
7. carefully separate the pages that you inadvertently glued together.
8. place flower pot or other decoration over the partial cover glued to your table

-becoming obese lowers the chance of being kidnapped

-the STRONGER i get!....the drunker i like my BOURBON!!!

-Im trying my hand at being Elitist.
so congratulations if you are still here as i just deleted all my ugly friends.

-if life is a roller coaster does that mean i end up where i started every single time?

-‎"i wear a monocle on one eye, and a contact lens on the other."
"why?"
"well, because wearing two monocles would just look daft."

-i always put others before myself, even though NATO is strictly against the use of human shields.

-the excitement of living out of home is instantaneously replaced with disappointment when i look into the cupboards.

-just to shake things up, when you pick up a hitch hiker.
do a U-turn

- I love how they put the warnings on the superglue tubes about applying it to your eyes. I feel sorry for the poor poor soul who made that label mandatory...


there are more of these but i think that this is enough for now. Now i look over them i find a sad window into my odd sense of humour, but i hope you also at lease smiled once or twice more today than you would have before reading them.