november 2nd.

i'm so tired. i've had the kind of night's sleep where you sleep but you aren't well rested. there's a knot in my shoulder that kept me awake most of the night. i always carry my tension in my neck and shoulders and i don't know why or how to stop or if there's something wrong with my bed or my posture or whatever. i want to stop feeling so tense but i don't know how.

i feel so unfulfilled lately. and ungrateful for feeling that way. all my shit is taken care of, and i'm in a good place financially and grades-wise, and for that i'm happy, but all of my days are the same. i work the same hours on the same days with the same people at the same job and i go to the same classes and do the same work and i feel like i'm running in place, some days. i feel unfulfilled and aimless and drifting and bored but anything different i try to do doesn't help because the larger problem is that until the semester ends or i get a new job, the sameness will remain and i don't like that. changing little shit doesn't do anything in the long run because overall i feel like my energy is all drained and wasted.

i hate routine. i need escape routes and change and backdoor exits in my life. i need the option to opt out to always be open to me. i like stability and certainty but only to an extent. routine makes me do dumb shit to escape it just to feel different for a little while. i got drunk literally at work because i wanted to feel different about the shitty job. i got high that same night at a party to feel different. i buy myself shit i don't really need because capitalism teaches you buying shit makes you happy. i'm fully cognizant of the fact that i'm doing dumb shit but i have zero other coping techniques so i don't really know what to do. the sheer amount of energy it takes to do anything recently makes me want to sleep forever, but i also want to get out and do something.

i'm in a weird mental headspace and i don't know how to cope.