Off Meds

I ran out of pills and money. I don't have $1500 to pay for a refill, and I am out of refills anyway. I tried to ration, but ran out about 2 weeks ago. I can tell that the last of it is out of my system. I guess I feel like my old self. That is not a good thing.

The obsessive thoughts are back, like as ong you can't get out of your head. I can't turn them off to sleep. My brain keeps going and going over the same material. Said material is something stress related. No money. No pills. Some mistake I made at work. Chores that need done. Whatever. My brain doesn't turn off.

The anxiety is back. Moments of panic for no reason. The phone ringing can set me off. I can be just lying in the couch with that flight or fight feeling. For those readers unfamiliar with this, imagine you are driving on the freeway going 70 plus MPH and the car infront slams on his brakes and you slam on your and for a second youknow you are going to hit him. That tight feeling in the chest, the quick breath, the tense muscles, the knowledge that some terrible is about to happen. That is what it feels like. Now, imagine that feeling lasting for hours at a time only without a tangible cause or resolve. I get into the panic and anxiety and can't shed it. I want to crawl out of my skin and away from the feeling. I feel trapped in myself. Trapped with my thoughts. part of me wants to crawl under the blanket and make the world go away. Part of me wants to run or drive a fast I can to outrun the panic or the opression of anxiety. A very irrational part that I ignore wants to cut something open in the misguided belief that I can vent the anxiety or bleed it out.

With the anxiety comes depression. Overwhelming "this is my life and it will never change" thoughts press down on me. I hate being reminded that my brain doesn't work right, that I will always be different. I think I am somewhat prone to depression anyway. So, the anxiety is just one more thing to be depressed about. I hate that I don't have the money ot take care of myself. I hate that being messed up in the head has prevented anyone from insuring me. I feel like a freak and I don't enjoy feeling like that.

I know I have been upsetting my husband. I came home from service on Christmas Eve feeling very stressed and down. I had forgotten that I hadn't gotten any ushers for the second service and just started spinning (the thoughts, not physically). I had messed up. I was going ot get in trouble. I am a failure at my job, I am going to lose my job. I can't handle working. I am going to have another breakdown and end up on the couch for a year just like before. It is all happeniong again. When I came home full of all those spiraling thoughts, I started cleaning... frantically. It scares Steve when I get all manic. I just feel like if I sit, I will lose control. If I am doing sometjng, I can handle it. It is the OCD. This ritual, this activity, this mantra will keep me sane. I hate that Steve has to watch me decline off my meds. I hate that it scares him.

The new insurance kicks in on New Years. I will call for an appointment ASAP. I need to get back on the meds. This involuntary experiment has shown me how much better I am with my meds. Although, I do wonder how much of this might be withdrawal. I have had vertigo and headaches since a few days after I took my last pill. I have also be really grouchy. That is something I rememebr feeling before. All I know is that I am a mess and teh New Year can't come fast enough.