On Motivation

This relates to the recent career-oriented post by my friend (may I presume it?) @paperbackwriter.

I was thinking about his post as I was sweating and suffering in my YMCA spin class. Sometimes the class makes me think of what it must be like in boot camp (Iain might have some views on this), working very hard despite the urge to quit. Then it occurred to me as the instructor made tough demands that "I don't have to do this. I didn't enlist. I can just stop and go to the coffee shop." My inner self was like the protagonist in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, when he discovered that everyone else in the institution was a voluntary commit, and could walk away at any time. My inner self realized he/I could just walk away. But he/I didn't.

The question became, why do I keep enduring this, and the other workouts? What's my motivation? It can't be immediate gratification, because it hurts in the moment. I do it because of the long-term benefits and because I have resolved to do it, and because, yes, of pride, I don't want to be a quitter. It's hard but it's not overwhelming (though close to it). I remember early on I realized how little I had previously applied myself in biking, and, by extension, in life, so I resolved to keep at this.

And it does have benefits. I'm stronger and feel better (wife says I even look better, I know I walk taller) -- and I even got motivated to replace my bike that got stolen a few years back (it's due to be delivered today and I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve).

Or genealogy -- I'm working on family records, and the computer research is like popcorn, I can't stop digging, and I'm making progress. Heaps of it. I don't mind the expenditure of energy there, I'll do it till my eyes hurt and my brain fogs. Yet in my legal career, I found myself putting off doing the same kind of work. What's the difference? I guess it has to be interest, i.e. caring what I do. And that caring has to come from within, I have finally learned that I simply can't make myself care -- that comes from within.

Or writing. I find nothing more rewarding than considering ideas and composing and compiling heaps of words on the computer screen. Even as I avoid doing some other, theoretically more important, paperwork.

I've learned that life can be a journey or a drag. Depends on whether you are doing something that touches an inner need, in which case the struggles are part of the journey, or if you are doing something out of a sense of obligation -- which requires dragging your soul away from what it wants to do.

My thoughts this morning. Now I think I'll rake some leaves (I enjoy the smells and the physicality) while I wait for my new bicycle. Thank God I had the nerve to up and retire from a job I hated so I can stay home and do the same sort of stuff for free, but on my own schedule and terms.