Ramblings of a Mad Woman

By FoxyMomma · Jul 28, 2010 · ·
  1. I have never been very good at hiding my emotions. I wear my joy and my sorrow out there for everyone to see. These past two years have been the hardest in my life and I feel like I have lost a part of myself. I am wracked with guilt over what happened to my boys. It seems like it is harder for me to deal with than it was for them. They are the true victims and I'm the one who is still trying to heal.

    I have developed medical issues and found myself in the torments of depression. Coupled with no medical insurance, it makes this an impossible thing to overcome. On several occasions, I seriously contemplated suicide....well, murder/suicide.....I'd take out the bastard that hurt my boys as long as I was putting out my own lights in the process.

    I've gained 15-20 pounds since May. I was a chunky girl to begin with, but now I'm just fat. I have NO energy and hardly sleep. When I do sleep, I have horrible nightmares.

    I already said that I can't hide my emotions, so why is it that the people who are closest to me have no idea what's going on? Are they really that oblivious? Did they just stop caring?

    I wish my life never went down this path, but since I can't change the past, I have to figure out how to deal with the present so I can have a better future.

Comments

  1. Vivian
    *Virtual Hug*

    Seems as though you could use one.
  2. LadyLazarus
    First and foremost, you are not a mad woman. (I'm assuming by mad woman, you mean insane. If you simply meant angry, I appologise!)

    Being depressed/sucidal does not make you insane. Also, it's hard to overcome without (and with!) medical help. But it's not impossible.

    I empathise on the weight issue. My weight fluctuates wildly (and dangerously at times) depending on my mental state. Just remember, it's more important to sort your head out before worrying about your weight.

    Speaking as a someone who was once in the postion your sons are in, I want to say I think you're doing a wonderful job in regards to them.

    It happened, and that's horrible. Awful. But you acknowledged that it happened. You've gotten them justice. All you can do is be there for them.

    You may think to yourself "I can't go on", and believe me, I know how that feels. You may think "they're all better off without me", but they're not. I know there comes a point where you can't keep going on for other people. I know there can come a point when everything seems too dark, and it seems like the only thing you can do is to end it all. I know it's hard, but all you can really do at that point is to struggle on. No matter how hard it is. No matter how utterly drained you feel.

    Because it will get better. Nothing is constant. This misery will leave you.

    Stay strong!

    If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you. I don't know you, but I do care. *nods*
  3. marina
    I'm so sorry about everything you're going through. You might look into some sort of free medical assistance available to you through organizations in your area. I have no idea where to look for that, but maybe if you called a health agency in your state they could suggest something.
  4. marina
    Okay, I just found this:

    http://suicidehotlines.com/newmexico.html

    Don't be put off by the "suicide" part. It looks like they might be able to help or have ideas for how to help with the depression issues and perhaps medication (not at all sure, though).

    * I hope I'm not being obnoxious by suggesting this. Just trying to help if possible.
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