I have never been very good at hiding my emotions. I wear my joy and my sorrow out there for everyone to see. These past two years have been the hardest in my life and I feel like I have lost a part of myself. I am wracked with guilt over what happened to my boys. It seems like it is harder for me to deal with than it was for them. They are the true victims and I'm the one who is still trying to heal.
I have developed medical issues and found myself in the torments of depression. Coupled with no medical insurance, it makes this an impossible thing to overcome. On several occasions, I seriously contemplated suicide....well, murder/suicide.....I'd take out the bastard that hurt my boys as long as I was putting out my own lights in the process.
I've gained 15-20 pounds since May. I was a chunky girl to begin with, but now I'm just fat. I have NO energy and hardly sleep. When I do sleep, I have horrible nightmares.
I already said that I can't hide my emotions, so why is it that the people who are closest to me have no idea what's going on? Are they really that oblivious? Did they just stop caring?
I wish my life never went down this path, but since I can't change the past, I have to figure out how to deal with the present so I can have a better future.
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