Random Ranting From a Deserted Island

Well the whole of today I’ve been thinking about my character the hitman and with every minute he becomes realer to me. Maybe it’s because I watched Hitman but I now find myself searching for answers to long asked questions. Like what is his motive for killing people, is it because he enjoys it, because he was brought up like 47. I struggle to find a legitimately genuine reason for him to kill others but its constantly bashing me against the wall. I’m frustrated.

The last few hours I spent thinking about the women in my life and what they mean to me. Actually the last part came to me now. Maybe the reason I can’t connect fully with anyone is because I subconsciously enjoy being unhappy? It sounds weird but you know it could be true, the thing that always blocks me from making that extra step, from making that extra remark that’ll get me to become fully committed to someone. I don’t think I’m afraid of commitment because I have no trouble committing myself to other things in my life. Like my hockey. I love my hockey to death and almost lost my father’s favor over it. I was so in love with it. Maybe I’m like Romeo, I am in love with the concept of love but it’s a masked invader consistently blocking any logical decision I try to make…

The days are dark and the nights are long for me. As I sit here listening to Radiohead I always tend to assess myself and wonder dude where are you headed? Will you be that moderately successful adult you always dream about or will you end up a struggling professional who hides behind his writing as an excuse for his failures? The truth is that I don’t know, and I don’t think that anyone knows. I’m so caught up in this illusion of reality that everyone attempts to follow that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I have no sense of what’s attainable and what’s impossible.

As I listen to clocks by Coldplay I drift back into the green rosy fields of my piss poor conception of reality, life, love and relationships. Only when I look out my window and see the beautifully green trees and volumetric clouds do I get a glimpse of the fragile peace inside me which then hits the floor with a resounding crash of metal and glass as an accident happens just below me…peopIe are always dying around me…I hate my life...I feel like the grim reaper follows me everywhere. I imagine my shadow and the mr. reaper discussing which person near me to off next over an impossibly large espresso. Comedy and death…geez