Remember remember the Something Something of November

I really enjoy that movie. Even with the Guy Fawkes iconism being...misguided. I`ve mentioned this in the random thoughts thread but this anarchist, or at least anti establishment icon he and his mask has become leaves out the fact his whole goal was to swap the Protestant king for a Catholic king. He wasn`t some great ahead of his times revolutionary. He was essentially a Catholic radical who had worked for Spain prior towards that cause. Because Spain was all about spreading Catholicism. Thats the whole reason they let Columbus fly the Spanish flag. He had no problem with monarchs so long as they backed what he backed. An establishment is rotten whether it`s rotten in you`r favor or not. Guy Fawkes seemed to disagree with that. There`s been talk of the Joker look replacing the mask and thats not a perfect set up ether...but it`s better.


Enough on that, for now. It`s November. The month of legends, Guy Fawkes/election day, veterans day, Thanksgiving, the MST3000 marathon, Nanonowrimo, and etc. In the case of this year there was also a proxy Halloween due to storms....at least in my area. A busy whirlwind month that started right away. First thing on the 1st I walked into work to a giant Miss Pennsylvania pageant sign in the lobby. November had begun. October`s one of my favorite months one I didn`t really have the energy or motivation to enjoy this year. Been like that for a lot of things for a while really. Why this year coming up....this second coming of the roaring twenty's....I want to set routines more both for productivity and self care, start having traditions again, heading towards long term goals, and etc. November was gonna be ....is going to be the start of that.

I know i`ve made statements like this again and again. Part of me hates myself for that, this cycle of committing and walking away. A cycle I want to break...a cycle I want to be able to break. A cycle I have to break. Twenty two is that number....I never could imange living much past twenty two if there when I was younger.....the 2nd month of 2020, on the 21st day....I will hit that number. I need to at least chip away at the cycle before that...for me....plus a whole new decade to start a whole new wave...there`s something I like about that.



I posted this in the music thread earlier this week. This lines the relevant one.


" "I was bumming at my job and got adopted by my crew. I had dreams to tell my story living loving what I do. If they ask me why I do it I do it for you."

I worked today. I didn`t work yesterday, had intentions to work on projects, clean my room, instead just ran some errands and not much else.

Today was a check out of a sold out weekend with a room count estimate in the hundreds. Worked until around six. Came home, had some dinner, unwound with some Outerworlds, watched you-tube and dicked about on here. Part of me wants to reagrane my room right here right now....but it`s also almost midnight and today was the first in a six day long stretch. Probably gonna finish this, put it up without even looking at it, and then going to bed.

Room counts for the rest of the week don`t look to bad, shouldn`t be to late nights for now.

Work was interesting today. Went well for the most part, having problems with my vision...which has been a thing for a while. I`m scared to go to the eye doctors honestly. I already wear a pretty thick prescription, and my eyes shouldn`t still be changing. I worry about whats going on there, I also don`t have insurance right now.

I was on MAWD (Medical assistance for workers with disabiailtes) but got kicked off that, then reapplied for just the insurance. Got rejected for that, almost bought a plan through the marketplace. My options were a monthly preuimon of my whole check, or a insanely high deductible that would make using the dam thing impossible. The only reason my income is even zoning where it is because I started during a long bout of overtime so my checks reflected that. At normal levels that won`t be my income. Now it`s waiting, to reapply with the lower income. Tricky thing on housekeeping is its by the hour and the hours our on a very unsteady basis so predicting you`r income is almost rocket science.

We know this, we`re waiting at the moment. This didn`t stop, my one supervisor from explaining the same exact thing to me tonight while I just nodded and agreed because it was the easiest route then conversing. I could`ve conveyed that the process was already underway, or that checking the eyes was on the laundry list of things to get done, or that I was well aware of the vision problems as they keep me awake at night among other things. I understand why it`s important, it effects my work, I need to get it fixed that`s all fine. I just wonder, how things would be if I could actually communicate with people. Converse in a real sense.

Outside of the insurance thing, there was a stretch of concessive moments of me being asked about why or how I do certain things, or things about me which I have full explanations of in my head. However I don`t have any of the energy to actually go into giving them so I shrug it off or let myself look clueless rather then get into it.

One of the ones that I never head the end of is "Why don`t you drive yet?" The real answer being I was involved in a head on collision at five weeks old which left it`s lasting effects. Mostly doesn`t effect my day to day, but as far as driving there were concerns with reaction times and spacial reasoning. I have a permit and i`ve driven a little bit even with a driving instructor who specializes in accommodating to special needs and disabiatles. However the grant that was being paid for under, was written in a way it only lasted for so many sessions and the instructor said there was to much work to be done that I wouldn`t be ready in that amount so that didn`t really end up helping. My mother`s own road anxiety and an uninsured unregistered car kept to much practice on our own from happening. It then kinda got put on the some day list with the eyes...and my teeth...and the braces i`m supposed to have...(legs not teeth)....and having running water in the kitchen.... and a toilet that flushes with having to reach into the guts each time....or me going back to therapy...or cutting down that tree out back...or.


the list goes on.


There is also a bit of fear there, what if I really can`t do it? Driving is an environment where one mistakes could be horrible. If i`m not capable, maybe its better not to.

However there`s so much backstory there, things to explain, and etc that I never give that answer nor should I. It`s not a small talk answer, they weren`t asking for that much information. However I can`t actually answer that honestly without all that information. A lot of things in my life our like that. Maybe theirs to much backstory and dangly things to everything around me...


maybe people don`t really expect honesty.

maybe outside of the few I already have connected to (most of who went through some of the bullshit with me or have gone through similar chaotic/traumatic situations) I won`t be able to connect with anyone else really because it`s all so....messy. Do I really care about that?


Idk I just need to see what tomorrow brings. Will try for another junk draw post then.


This....pivoted from where it was meant to go.


I`m going to bed.