School is Hard

By TheDude2002 · May 20, 2012 · ·
  1. "School is Hard"
    By
    Brian Paul Dunlop


    I

    The day sent shivers down my spine. Waking up is so pointless; another day, another meaningless mental trip.

    And the kids at the school - who needs them? I got my drugs and I hang out with older kids. That's way cooler than what they do.

    So why should I get up? What will today bring that tomorrow hasn't? What does anything really even mean?

    Just everything - why is everything so fucked? Or at least needs to get fucked.

    I like punk music and wrestling on TV; this chaos seems more reasonable - more logical for a reasoning against the logic of the tilted world, always spinning on an axis; never even, yet never the same.


    II

    The day turned to night as the morning glories closed and the spirits of the realm of the dead, encased the sunken shadowy Autumn sky.

    Flows of silk, amber and rain eclipsed a full moon, glowing in an intoxicating flame.

    Arnold sat upright in bed, staring at a scary night full of dangerous curiousity and peril. He turned his head to the left, away from the half-way opened window that blew win and casted figures upon the shadowy tint of his midnight room.

    "Just close your eyes and it will be okay. Just close your eyes and it will be, okay" said Arnold to console himself as he felt the cool errie breeze wrap its way around his neck and lower back.

    Arnold closed his eyes tightly shut as he felt, what felt like a warm breath, breathing gently into his ear.

    "This can't be real. This isn't real. This is not real" said Arnold to himself as he drew back in bed.

    Then from the far corner of the room, a low voice whispered, "Come play with me. I hated school. Let's go. I like to play in the attic, but only with you, alright? I think I like you..."

Comments

  1. Henri Le Rennet
    TheDude2002/Brian!

    First of all, I loved how the story (or beginning of the story) was not at all what I expected when I read the title. Initially, I thought it would be a typical day at school, where pre-pubescent girls obnoxiously laughed, and adolescent boys grunted like cavemen as they showcased their 'indisputable' strength by taking turns punching each other in the arm. This, however, is a unique spin. I like it. I want to see the rest. Continue, man; for the sake of the audience (me).

    Now, my polish consists of SHOWING vs. TELLING. You can take what you want out of it, but I highly recommend considering my critique. I think it will immensely help your story.

    I like the above sentence, however you either meant 'encasing' or accidentally put the comma in there. I like the imagery, however expand more on HOW the, 'spirits of the realm of the dead encased the sunken shadowy Autumn sky.' It's showing vs. telling. Maybe describe how the environment looks to the character. Capture Arnold's emotions about the whole situation. You set him up well in the first chapter, but continue that in the second. If you can show the reader what is happening, then you will really draw them in and allow them to formulate their own opinion of Arnold. Make the reader work! Read through again to see where you could SHOW more rather than simply tell.

    Other than that, there are a few grammatical corrections that should be made.

    ^There should be a comma after 'amber.' Otherwise this was an outstanding sentence.

    Great work, my man. Keep it up. I loved the suspense when Arnold felt terrified, hearing the voice across the room in the second chapter. Build it up more! Grind it out and dig at the story until you really find/create something special. Where did the inspiration for this come from? What are your plans for continuing, "School is Hard,"? I hope I could be of some assistance. Let me know if I can help further! Dream big, Brian. You've got something special, man. Keep working!
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice