Shhh, It's A Secret

By lilix morgan · Mar 23, 2009 · 624 · 12
  1. Don't you just absolutely hate it when your amazing day goes to hell in less than an hour? Half an hour? Ten minutes? How about ten seconds?

    Friday, March 20th, pretty much was that for me. My entire day had been going excellent, perfect, amazing. I'd felt great when I got up, found a nice outfit that looked flattering on me, and everyone liked in school today. My mind didn't dwell on anything remotely negative. I'd even checked my works on here for replies, elated when I found nothing but encouraging comments toward my work.

    Everything was great. Everything was fine.

    During the last period of the day our class, Choir, had been given a study hall because our teacher was busy preparing for the musical playing that night. I sat in one of the small, cramped practice rooms with two friends of mine, two friends of Mike's, and Mike himself.

    Mike is my ex boyfriend whom I still get butterflies over, FYI.

    He's been sick, it's obvious. His skin is pale, he coughs heavily, his moves sluggish. Still somehow he finds the energy to flirt with me, just casual contact of the body.

    I'd been trying to avoid this, to ease the pain of having lost him three months ago. Failure on my part.

    After a highly compromising position he didn't seem to mind, we sat next to each other, leaning slightly on one another. Mike casually drapped an arm over my shoulders, smiled.

    Then two of his friends called him over to the piano in the small space. I asked him if he wanted to move, which I already knew he didn't. Still, he asked if I could help him up. I stared, knowing full well he felt sick, and needed to just rest as much as he could. He'd already been through hell in gym the period before.

    Before I could object to him moving, he pecks my cheek, gets up, never looks back, and joins his friends.

    Stunned wouldn't explain half of what I felt.

    I feel stupid, dazed, angry, jumpy, wild, anything to explain the frantic pounding of my heart against my chest.

    But I know it was all just a game. He's done this before, a month after we broke up.

    Still, it hurts. I don't like being played like that. So now I'm avoiding him like hell, hoping it won't happen again, even if I want it to happen.

    -sigh- It's a secret to love him, and an even bigger secret to pretend I don't.

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  1. Imposter
    Lilix,

    First, I'm sorry for your turmoil. Not much else I, or anybody else, could say.

    Second, although the topic is painful your writing is amazing. I've read the start of your novel you've posted and now this blog entry. You are very gifted!

    Imposter
    Imposter, Mar 23, 2009
  2. lilix morgan
    Yeah, I figure there's not much anyone can say other than the standard sorry. Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest though, so I found blogging to be the more practical way of going about it.

    Thank you for the compliment on both of my posts. I know you can't see, but I've got a small blush creeping on my cheeks. My mother always told me I was a great writer, but mothers always tell you pretty little words with fluff to brighten your day. Imagine my face when I discovered it wasn't just my mother who enjoyed reading my works!

    Thanks again, I feel a bit better now. Certainly not the 100% I should be at, but improving.
    lilix morgan, Mar 23, 2009
  3. thefreshman
    I am sorry about that, I can't say I understand everything your going through over this guy. I kinda have the same thing going with a girl at my school, except she does things like that and when I ask her she says no.

    I know it hurts and I know it sucks, but pick yourself up and live your days. If you wanna talk you can pm me or something.

    - thefreshman (Taylor)
    thefreshman, Mar 23, 2009
  4. Atari
    I think you should confront him. This pussyfooting balderdash is retarded and childish.

    "Hey, I still retain strong feelings for you, and you apparently only want to be my friend, so here's the deal: I don't want you making ANY passes at me. Don't flirt, don't toy, don't tease. No pecking kisses and no roundabout nonsense. If you want to date, again, then say so, otherwise; keep your lust in your pants."


    Since I don't know him or you or anyone at your school, I can only assume he's like every other guy in the universe:

    Once he breaks up with you, he is no longer committed, so he doesn't mind messing with you.
    Guys love one-night stands because they can have all the fun and not be expected to 'care' for the person in an intimate fashion the day afterward.

    I'll bet dollars to donuts he LOVES being able to get up on you without actually having to date you.
    Don't AVOID him, because that will hurt his feelings for no good reason. If you confront him directly (and privately) it may hurt his feelings, but it will be earnest and right.

    Then again, I've always been a pragmatist and cynic.
    Atari, Mar 23, 2009
  5. Neha
    aww...you have my full sympathies over that, only in my case I was first secretly in love with him, and then he breaks with her(tells me she did the breaking up) and hooks up with me, only to smooch her in less than a month when he thinks I'm not there.

    I hope you get over him. Maybe he does that because he still has feelings for you or maybe it's just the friendship thing, I can't tell because I'm not in your shoes. I can only hope it gets better and if you need to rant, just drop me a line.
    *hugs*
    Neha, Mar 23, 2009
  6. lilix morgan
    Thanks Taylor, Atari, and Neha. I appreciate the comments you all left, each one with supporting statements on moving on and learning to draw the line.

    I'll be honest: there are days I feel completely over him. I can smile without strings, laugh without a care, and be the expressive person I've always been. But just as I have those good days, there are days I feel I need him, almost like a drug. It pains me to see the stress I place on my friends because of this, for them to see me ache.

    They know well that if I ever asked Mike out again, he'd politely tell me no, but would still act kind and gentle around me, still flirtatious.

    I'm debating on telling him outright that I still like him, so if he wants to make an advance, keep doing what he's doing. If he's just not into me, then to stop with the overly close contact and be a friend. It sounds good when I think about it, but knowing my thought process, I'm probably the only one who thinks it sounds well.
    lilix morgan, Mar 23, 2009
  7. thefreshman
    I have the same problem, talking to the person you want to talk to in your head is easy because they always say exactly what you want them to say.

    I had to learn this the hard way so don't make the same mistake I did. Your friends are there to talk to, don't keep your problems to yourself. I always thought that my problems were my problems alone. Your friends are usually happy to help and then when they need help they know they have someone to come to also.

    If you think it will help tell him how you feel, then at least he knows. That's how I got Shailana to start talking me again, because after she said "No" to going on a date with me she ignored me for about 2 weeks. I just told her that her not talking to me hurt and I didn't care if she liked me or not, I just wanted to be friends again.

    Anyways, I shouldn't be giving advice about peoples love life as mine is in shambles. Your get through this just keep your head up.
    thefreshman, Mar 23, 2009
  8. Neha
    Neha, Mar 23, 2009
  9. Phantasmal Reality
    Hang in there until college. It's not a "whole new world", but it does get better. Just avoid frat guys and heavy partiers--they are the same high school boys, just in a new setting.

    I know that isn't much of a comfort in the here and now, but it sounds like Mike isn't worth your time and effort. I'm sorry you got played like that. :(
    Phantasmal Reality, Mar 24, 2009
  10. lilix morgan
    Yeah, you're right Taylor. The voice in my head is very sure of herself and her actions more than I'll ever be. But then again, she does like to give me multiple views, hinting that even the inner me has no idea what to do about things.

    The sad part about all of this is that before, once upon a time when Mike and I existed together, I knew him inside and out. I could tell his emotions and actions from a mile away, and it wasn't just because I'm awesome at reading micro-expressions, it was because I knew him. Now, I don't know half of what he does anymore, and what it means.

    I tried asking Mike out on a date back in February, but he told me it would be too awkward. I'm debating on trying again despite what I know it will do to me. I can't help it; we were banking on so much, and I don't want to love anyone else right now, not for a good, long time.

    I told myself, much like Phantasmal Reality did, to just wait until college. Then I never have to see Mike's face again if I can help it. Part of me likes this, and part of me wants to cling to him for dear life at the thought of being apart for good. I just want to bang my head on the desk, a lot.

    Didn't help he wasn't in school today. Sickness overrode him into the ground. I kept panicking he was in the hospital all day, and almost called him when I got home.

    I think I'm going to go write now. Before I try and call him. At 10:21 pm.
    lilix morgan, Mar 24, 2009
  11. thefreshman
    "Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you."

    "I never knew I could feel so much pain, and yet be so in love with the person causing it."

    These are the same quotes I put in my love blog, I did so for a reason. They speak truths whether you want to be believe them or not. I am told I'm good a giving advice but I'm bad at taking my own advice, so I can't force you to listen but here it goes.

    This Mike guy, I don't know anything about him other than what I have heard from this blog. I'm going to assume that he has some quality that attracts you to him that I don't know about. From what I have heard he seems to not even be worth your time or effort but as said in the above quotes, you can't choose how these things work.

    Here are two more quotes for you though. Think about what they mean and see if that helps.

    "Some of the greater things in life are unseen thats why you close your eyes when you kiss, cry, or dream."

    "Falling in love is like being struck by lightning. You can no more make it strike you than you can avoid it."

    As alway best of luck and don't get to down. You've got your real and internet friends for moments like this.
    thefreshman, Mar 24, 2009
  12. lilix morgan
    Heh, I loved those quotes. The first one, even when I read it in your blog, hit me the hardest. I'm thinking about telling Mike that one soon, just to see what it will do.

    I'm stronger than this, everyone tells me. I can get past this. It was only for a little while.

    I'm just glad to have so many people in my life to pick me up when things like this crush me and leave me crippled. I don't know what I'd do without them.
    lilix morgan, Mar 24, 2009
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