Speak (insert local language here) or die

I was just reading an opinion piece by the president of a certain university, commenting on what a school should do when its graduates achieve either fame or notoriety. The author said that when [FEMALE GRADUATE NAME REDACTED] first became a major figure in the news, many "alumnae" wrote to comment on the fact that the school had yet to comment on her newfound status.

I'd never heard of the term. I know that "alumni" is plural and "alumnus" is singular, but what the fuck is an "alumnae"?

Turns out "alumnus" and "alumni" are male, and the female variants are "alumna" and "alumnae."

Fuck you, sez me. "Ooh, but it's Latin, you have to pluralize Latin words according to-"

No, fuck you. "Alumna" isn't Latin, it dates to 1882 in the United fucking States of fucking America, and we speak English* here. Well, that and Spanish, Polish and/or Russian in certain neighborhoods in Chicago, and there's a substantial Hmong community in Minneapolis/St. Paul, plus a diverse set of Southeast Asians on the West Coast, as well-

No, wait, where was I? Oh yeah, "Fuck you and your pluralization!" First, it's not a Latin word, it's an English construction from a Latin base, so it should be "alumnas," not "alumnae."

And fuck your "alumnus/alumna" distinction too. It's 2018 and we are doing our best to get away from gender bias in the English language, aren't we? It's one thing if you want to hire a dominatrix to dress as a policewoman and handcuff you, because orientation isn't bias, but if it's the real deal it's a police officer who just pulled you over for 72 in a school zone and you're really fucked. Firefighter, not fireman. Flight attendant, not space waitress, amirite? Dat broad's an alumna of Penn State, but would you call her a graduateress of Yale law who works as a lawyeress at Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe? Don't fucking think so, do you?

And I get it, "alumnus/alumni" means "adopted son(s)" in Latin, and that lawyeress was thinking "Who da fuq you callin' son, son?" but there are ways around this that are already in place. Alumn(us)(a)(i)(ae), what do they all have in common? Half the time we even call them "alums" and nobody bats an eye.

This is 'Murica, talk *'Murican, dammit.


LATE EDIT: I just realized I forgot the original point of my rant, which is that even if it is a Latin word, we ain't in Latinavia, so their customized plurals can go pound sand as well. I'm writing in English, does that oblige me to write 寿司 in 漢字? Nope, don't fucking think so either, Товарищ.

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