I am illiterate ate a little eel it interred a tiny ant under a tiled trail at a tiny rate, yet I ain't interested. I enjoy reading the jumbled word salads that always accompany computer viruses, they are entertaining. More so than Alanis Morissette, who shrieks like she's just discovered a hair in her vomit souffle. I am without merit. No badges or iron-on transfers to endow worth unto me. I want to wear a blazer around with my own symbols of achievement sewn on the pockets. One of these will be the word ACHIEVEMENT mispelled and Mispelet and Miserlepeltenoeuf acheievement
I want government pamphlets to peter out in the same way my emails do
Dear citizen, due to the continuing drought it has been decided that Level 5 Water Restrictions must be imposed. These may have an impact on the householder and small business owner. To minimise distruptions to your stupid lifestyle, our special task force of slobbering microcephalic self-hating public management consultants have invented the following suggestions.
1) Kill yourself. It has been shown that the consumption of water dramatically decreases following death.
2) Kill others. See above.
3) Set fire to your eyebrows.
4) Raise an army of giant mutant ants and milk them for their glandular secretions, then use said secretions to keep your plants alive. Unless the mutant ants eat your plants, in which case you can sell the liquid as Billy Bragg's communist sweat.
5) Kill BILLY BRAGG
6) Find a hole, fill it in, then lie down on it as you have become quite tired.
7) Telephone a midget then hang up before he recognizes you.
8) Obtain a selection of wigs.
9) Treat your postman like he is a stinky puppy dog and hose him. Not with water obviously; see number 4.
10) Move to Africa and send yourself home in an unpressurised box, marked "UNLIKELY".
It is with deep regret than we inform you that this email is terminated
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