Talking to Myself at Night
It is this time, between 10:00 p.m. and 1 a.m. that I feel the loneliest. This is a sensation I’ve become more and more aware of as I’ve gotten older. I suppose it’s because the rest of the world is winding down, while I’m just waking up. There’s a strange emptiness in knowing that you’ve shown up late to the life party. The other guests are grabbing their coats, and you’re just settling down with your first drink. We’ve all experienced this at restaurants when we’ve arrived just as the kitchen is closing. Those ‘eat **** and die and while you’re at it **** off’ looks from the employees. Ironically, I get those looks from my cats---nocturnal by nature--- as if my human intrusion into their feline play renders the night unbearable. I mean imagine that. Something as innocuous as me sitting on the couch I paid for means that their night is ruined. Though, I guess this is true of most things in life. The mere presence of something we do not like makes life so much less comfortable.
On nights like this I want to smash glass, punch things, and drink heavily. I’m not sure why I turn to violence, maybe we all do when we’re really truly bored and alone. It’s not necessarily that I’m angry that I’m alone, because when I take a step back and think on it—anger is not the emotion I associate with it. I believe it’s that I want to break up the monotony that is the silence. Loneliness and silence are freak show Siamese twins. Silence is the more attractive of the two, but loneliness is the one that really motivates you. Loneliness affects all of your senses, and seeps under your skin. Silence is by nature fairly one dimensional. Silence however, allows the mind to run, explode, overflow, expand, and destroy itself. I think alcohol is a cure for this feeling. When you’re drunk, I mean good and drunk, your mind wanders, but let’s face it no one gives a **** about what they’re thinking, and by tomorrow who can remember?
I am a great admirer of solitary creatures. Loneliness does not exist when you’re used to being on your own---when it is in fact bred into you. Taking all of the mushy love bull**** out of life, imagine how much less complicated and distracting life would be if you could be alone. If being alone was actually embraced and valued, not looked upon as pathetic or something to fear? Think of all that we could accomplish if other human beings simply became something that we interacted with on an as needed basis (children, medical treatment, haircuts—you know, the important things in life). I’m not one of those who thinks we should not breed, or is a self-hating primate. No, no I actually feel that we have a great deal to offer the world. I’m simply saying that we could offer such things with limited interaction with others. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t inherently hate other people either, I just think that limiting our interactions would lessen the feelings of loneliness, hence suicide, questioning why we’re here, and in general hating our existence. See, if we’re not basing our happiness and how fulfilled we feel as creatures on others, then we become completely self sufficient. This eliminates any need to blame others for feeling inadequate, making us as individuals completely responsible for our happiness. This is something that I would greatly benefit from.
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