The Blushing Non-Blonde

By Ashleigh · Oct 22, 2010 · ·
  1. Copied and pasted from my external blog.

    Today we reallygot back into the swing of things at uni. We were given a writing excersize in a certain teacher’s class; a teacher who, last year, would always ask us to read our ‘efforts’ to one another in our groups, before picking the best and reading it to the entire class for feedback. Last year I found this nerve-racking enough, even after I got used to it. This year, after having gone months and months happily submitting and publishing (sometimes mostly rejecting!) away without prying eyes or ears from anyone, I have to say it was worse.

    Don’t get me wrong, I don’t suffer with a stutter, nor do I slip-up on my words or throw the papers down in disgust. I’m a surprisingly good reader for a social spazz. What I suffer from is a chronic case of blushing. No, not adorable rosy cheeks, not a mousy little flush – we’re talking cherry from the neck up. I can’t help it; sometimes I blush for no reason in conversation, just because the attention is on me. It comes in little bursts around my fish-belly-pale skin too, making me look like some sort of leper; think Bianca Jackson with an allergy to air or speaking.

    What’s worse is when people point it out. I know, I know, they’re just trying to comfort you by acting like they’re familiar with your anxiety and in turn making you feel more relaxed, but frankly, it don’t work darlin’s. The best way to make a pale girl go from cherry to fire engine in 0.2 seconds is to actually voice the fact that she’s blushing, and as an almost-ginge and a recoverring goth, this was never a favourable look for me.

    I’ve often found that stress is actually the problem; I get the same thing whenever I’m angry or frustrated. So I guess, visually, it’s not all that difficult to tell exactly how i’m feeling, and this is always an utter pain in the arse. Not only am I forced to be honest in every respect, because lying is just futile, but I get to look as much of a fool as I feel. Now I know people probably aren’t judging me badly. They probably think, ‘Aaw, she’s trying.’ Nicer, but is pitty a good thing? No? A-thank-you.

    It doesn’t help that when I speak aloud it feels like I can’t breathe, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I actually did hold my breath ’til the point where my blood rises to the surface to desperately scream for help. Anyone else suffer from this problem?

    Anyway, either my body gets the f!ck over the stage fright or I’ll never be a successful author; we’re expected to do public readings, after all. But maybe it isn’t so bad; you couldn’t accuse me of being pretentious, arrogant or vain, could you? I mean how many self-righteous literaries blush when all eyes are on them?

    Then again, how many self-righteous literaries would give two sh!ts either way?

Comments

  1. Kel
    Can totally relate to this! I always blush mid conversation for no apparent reason- other than everyone looking at me and I HATE it! I think it is because I think too much about what everyone is thinking about me. Perhaps when you are a successful author you won't blush cause you'll know everyone already loves the work, so you'll read with confidence and not redness!! Easier said than done...
  2. Ashleigh
    It's good to know I'm not alone, Kel! Totally correct about the over-thinking business; I often get preoccupied with all the horrid things I assume people must be thinking about me. Blushing is an awful business.
  3. Taylee91
    Yes, exactly. When the conversation is on me - I just can't help blushing. Even if it's a non-embarrassing topic.
  4. Eunoia
    I blush all the time, any time the attention is on me. And it really is worse when someone points out that you're blushing, and then they say sympathetical things. I mean, it's nice they've noticed but still. I hate public speaking. I have to read my writing out, or someone else's, in seminars and it's torture. I blush, my hands shake, my voice goes all high and kinda cracks a bit when reading aloud or saying anything in fact.. bleurgh, it's terrible.
  5. w176
    I don't blush, but im got a mild case of dyslexia, mainly showing trough that i have a hard time to read aloud technincally. Sounds and writing just dont connect in my brain. So i always show it upon the teacher or someonee else do the reading.

    I think at times people who are nervous can take the edge of it by just admitting them, to them self and to the audience.
    "Oh as you can see am a bit exited and blushing like a stoplight, just pretend that your colorblind 'key? And here we go..."
  6. Islander
    Almost everyone gets nervous when they speak publicly, but it's not as visible on everyone. I can be embarrassed in public situations and feel my cheeks and neck heat up, but nobody could tell from the colour of my face.
    If your skin is very fair, it stands to reason that increased blood flow would be more visible on you.
    So what I'm trying to say is, there's no reason to be embarrassed about blushing, or to think you're more stressed out by public speaking than others.
  7. art
    Blushing goes hand-in-hand with modesty and humility. It suggest a lack of certainty. All wonderful, human things which this hilariously brash and vulgar culture overlooks. Would that every f******* reality show contestant was prone to it.

    Second, and way more important, flushed cheeks are super attractive. (And I don't mean that in a condescending, ain't she cute type of way. Tis properly attractive.) Blusher is used for a reason.
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