The day the world got better and everything fell at the same time.

Published by Eaveah Tail in the blog Eaveah Tail's blog. Views: 113

So. Today was a strange day. I got up early because I absolutely loathe to be late and it makes me extremely anxious, naturally I was late anyway because I got to the tram just as it had left. So that added nine minutes to my time. I got on the tram, almost missed my stop because I'm tired. Then I have to wait another five minutes for the tram that will take me to where I have to walk the rest of the way.

Finally I'm standing at the bottom of what seems to be an endless road upwards, looking at my phone I have five minutes to get there. I start to panic because I know there is no way I'm making that walk in five minutes. Thank goodness for my boyfriend that manages to encourage me to get up the damn hill. So by the time I walk into the doctors office I'm three minutes late and loosing my mind. of course it turns out like it always does. My being three minutes late doesn't matter even in the slightest.

My doctor is kind enough to turn off the lights in his office for the sake of my eyes and immediatly picks up on the fact that I'm not having a "good" day. He asks me if it's a bad day to which I answer that it's a bad day, but not the worst. He nods in understanding and sits me down. He tells me that after reviewing my tests and the previous session there is no doubt of the diagnosis of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. My doctor defines it as level three. Severe.

My world goes blank for what is probably a shorter time than I think it is. I find myself nodding, I knew this was the likely result, but somehow, hearing it from the doctors mouth makes me feel relief on a level I haven't been relieved since I was a child, I'm not insane, it's not all in my head. On the other hand I find my world falling, there is no "cure" for this. All I can do is keep living and try to find ways to save my strenght and keep taking pills to reduce my pain, that won't work properly because it's on a neural level so unless it's heavy opiates it won't do much.

My doctor tells me there's light in the end of the tunnel. A new drug is being developed and might be on the market for ME/CFS patients next year. I nod. He tells me that I have to register for the national Myalgic Encephalomyelitis association. I nod. He tells me that he will sort the paperwork so I will receive 100% disability. I nod.

I put on my sunglasses, there's no sun, and walk out of the doctors office after thanking him profusely. A doctor that truly cares, who would have thought. My boyfriend is immediatly angry at the system for wasting nine years of my life. Two meetings with this doctor and it was obvious to him what's wrong with me. I agree of course. But there's very little I can do about that fact.

The relief is still strong in my mind, I finally know. I feel an unfamiliar feeling of being vindictive, everyone doubting me, telling me to "walk it off" so to speak. I want to call them immediatly and say a big fat "HAH!" into their ears. That is so unlike me. And then there's the fear, the fear that I will never get better. My boyfriend talks to me as if it's a battle. A fight. "We will beat this." As he says it I feel myself getting exhausted by the mere thought of having to fight something I've already been fighting for the better part of fifteen years. That has no "cure".

We go home. And as I get inside the door, the exhaustion that's threatened to overwhelm me since I walked out of the same door finally sets in and I have to lie down. I fall asleep. When I wake up the world has changed. There is good in this. I just have to take my time. Respect my own limitations. Knowing that it's not in my head.

The day the world got better and everything fell at the same time.
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