The Game Of Friendship

Friendship is a rare thing. Even when you think you have it, more often then not it's simply an illusion. Maybe I'm too trusting, too naive. I fall into friendship too quickly, ready and willing to sacrifice for my new comrade. I feel like I only love people who don't love me, and the bitterness is compounding with every passing friend.

I know I have some anti social tendencies that might be a culprit in all this, but I learned them somewhere, some form of self defense. A preemptive strike of sorts. Never act interested, never call when you want to call, never text when you want to text, never ask to go out. All these should be initiated by the friend, their needs, their comfort is above your own. Seems like a plan for failure now that I see it typed out.

I'm a hypocrite. I've had a friend drive hours to come visit me. A childhood friend. We used to walk home every day after school together, a good 40 minute walk. He's changed a lot since then, he got sick, spent a lot of time suffering, now I don't feel like we can genuinely connect. He's gone through something so substantial, and I'm still peddling with training wheels. Still afraid to make the drive to go visit him. What would we even talk about? What would we even do? 2 hours drive for a cup of coffee? Would a true friend do it? He did, although I spent the whole day with him even though I didn't really want to. We ended up driving down to the city, walking around half the day, chatting about how unprepared we were for the suffering life was throwing at us.

You don't get those types of conversations in your every day life. People play the game, and they keep their cards close to the breast. It gives this perception that you're the only one with a shitty hand, meanwhile we're all walking around wishing we could pick up some new cards. If only we all let each other in, it wouldn't be so lonely. But instead we avoid eye, and remain still, or put on our masks and hope we don't have a tell. Nuzzle the offsuit 2 and 7 close to yourself, everyone else a potential poker star, waiting to bait you into the river and take all you got.