I was thinking about the meaning of life. Benny once said to me that there is no meaning of life, but that no one should let that fact get in the way of their living it. At first I agreed with that, for that’s what I’ve thought for years. But this morning I remembered that conversation along with a play I read recently, Salome by Oscar Wilde. It was about a young girl that made very unethical decisions, but followed through with them with such an intensity that more than made up for her lack of morals. The description of the story in the introduction of the book explained that in this world of isolation, the only person worth watching was Salome, for the soul reason that she acted with a gem-like passion. This brought me to the idea that the meaning of life is passion. This would make sense for numerous reasons. What comes to mind is how depressing people raising a family, not doing shit with their lives is. You could say the purpose of life is procreation, therefore what they’re doing is not meaningless. Well, if you’re procreating to procreate that becomes paradoxical. What is the point if more generations are continuously and meaninglessly are being created? There really is no point. Mormons can argue with me on that, but whatever, they can go fuck themselves (or their multiple spouses, I don’t really give a shit). When I think about living a standard life, like my grandparents, I want to shoot myself in the head. I would rather die than live like that, because there is no purpose, no passion. Now, I’m going to bring back the Mormons. They seem to be happy, and live with a purpose. It is not what their purpose is that is making them so fulfilled but the fact that they have one, that they are passionate about something. Obviously there are a lot of unhappy Mormons, but it is probably because their true passion does not lie in the religion they were raised in. this idea that the meaning of like is to live with a gem-like burning passion much like Salome makes sense to me and would explain a lot about myself. I have a very skewed sense of identity. My interests change every few months. I get very engulfed in my interests, but then end up finding a new one before I’ve gotten to see the previous through. I don’t have a set passion that I have ever carried out and this makes me feel both unstable and not real. I have issues with reality and will sometimes come to an odd realization of reality and fall on the floor. Now, this sounds very overdramatic, but it happens. Things in life move too fast and it’s hard to keep up with everything, especially mental health. When these little episodes occur I feel like I’m watching tv and want to change the channel. It feels like there is a tv that is brought up so close to myself that I can touch and feel it. That’s what reality is. But I’ll get tired of the one I’m living in and want to change it. I think that trapped feeling is caused by my forever altering passions. If I were to live life in the fullest most enjoyable way, where I’d have a soul passion that I would not throw away after a couple months, I would feel more real. If life is just your interests, then I’ve lived too many lives for a young girl. And that’s probably why I have this constant need to switch over to the next channel, the next life. I want to die and go wherever life after death is, even if it’s nothing, because I’m bored of this one, like I’m bored of this interest I’ve had for more than 7 weeks. Everything is moving too fast, because I am the one moving too fast. In the short time I have it is like I’m trying to fit in every possible passion, every possible life, in one. Doing that is preventing me from carrying out one passion and one life and if I can’t live this one life I’m given then am I even real? If I have infinite purposes, how can I keep up? The answer is I can’t. I can’t keep up and that’s why I literally and metaphorically fall down so often.
this is very poorly written, sorry, I just thought i'd get my thought on paper before I'd organize it and make it more comprehensible
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