The Tragedy of Julius Caesar ~ THE REST!!

OK, due to a freak computer glitch, I'm forced to delete most of my files (thankfully, not my college notes.) However, I didn't want to lose this forever, so I copied and pasted the rest of the parody play for you to enjoy.
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ACT I. SCENE III.
(It is a dark and stormy night for Rome. Casca wanders in sword drawn and he runs into Cicero.)

CASCA
For the love of Mars, man! Don’t scare me like that! I nearly killed you!

CICERO
What’s gotten you in such a bind, brah?

CASCA
Oh, nothing. It’s just that I’ve seen a slave hold up his left hand which was on fire yet it didn’t burn off, owls were a-hooting during daylight hours and women saw burning men walking around. Oh, and I saw a lion near the Capitol. But other than that, nope, I’ve had just your average day in Rome.

CICERO
(Shuffles uncomfortably) So, Caesar’s gonna be in the Capitol tomorrow?

CASCA
Yeah, he wants Antonius to be with him also.

CICERO
Good night, then.

(Cicero leaves. Cassius arrives and sees the shadow of Casca. He calls out.)

CASSIUS
Who’s there?

CASCA
A Roman.

CASSIUS
Oh, that’s a bloody big help. Can you be any less specific than just “A Roman”? How about “A man”. Or better yet? “A human being” so that way I’ve got to guess through all the human beings on the face of the planet!

CASCA
Okay, okay, whatever. I’m Casca. Happy now?

CASSIUS
No.

CASCA
OK. So, why are you here?

CASSIUS
I’m plotting against Caesar.

CASCA
Indeed. They say they’re gonna put him on the Kingly Throne™ tomorrow at the Capitol.

CASSIUS
I know where I’ll be keeping this dagger. (The camera shoots to a close-up shot of his hip as his rain-soaked hand pulls back the cloth, revealing a nasty dagger. As this happens, lightening flashes and thunder rumbles.)

ME
Blargh! That’s it, end of scene!

CASSIUS
But I have to-

ME
Look, I think that up to this point this play has made it so blindingly clear that a three-year-old child can understand it. You want to kill Caesar so you’re rounding up everyone to help you. Now, in the wise words of everyone from Monty Python: “GET ON WITH IT!!!”

CASSIUS
*sniffs* You’re mean.
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ACT II. SCENE I.
(Brutus‘ house. Brutus lingers on his balcony, staring with angst out toward Rome.)

BRUTUS
Hey, I thought you said this play had made it clear what we’re intended to do?

ME
Yeah, I know, but this is your big decision-making moment. Plus, I love this scene too much to skip it. In fact, I think I’ll hijack the play and turn myself into a servant! =D

(Enter me as Lucius)

LUCIUS
You’ve called, milord?


BRUTUS
Um…no, I didn’t…(Sees Lucius glaring at him) I mean yes! Yes, I have summoned you! Um…Go get me a taper or whatever it is. When you’ve done that, get me.

LUCIUS
Certainly, although I don’t see why you can’t do it yourself. You have legs. (Walks off)

BRUTUS
Lemme see…do I kill my leader or do I not? (Picks up flower and begins to pluck out the pedals) Kill Caesar, or kill him not…

(Lucius walks back)

LUCIUS
I’m back, sir! And while I was doing it, I took the liberty to root through all your private stuff (and steal me some gold along the way), I happened upon a letter I didn’t see before. Here you go. J

BRUTUS
Okay, thanks. Now off to bed. But wait! Is tomorrow the Ides of March?

LUCIUS
Now how the heck am I supposed to know?

BRUTUS
IS NOT TOMORROW THE IDES OF MARCH!?

LUCIUS
All right, fine! It is! Geez!! (Stomps off)

BRUTUS
(Sighs) Okay, so lets see what it says here. Ah, yes. Cassius’s writing.

CASSIUS WRITING
Brutus, here’s the plan. Stab Caesar then apologize to the Senate.

BRUTUS
…

(Lucius comes back)

LUCIUS
Brutus, I really ought to call the Child Protection Agency on you. When I just opened the door, Cassius was standing there with a group of men I’ve never seen before. Really, is that how you treat a boy? What if those men had kidnapped me and preformed unspeakable acts of horror on me?

(Suddenly, Cassius, Casca, Decius Brutus, Cinna Metellus Cimber, and Trebonius enters.)

CASSIUS
Brutus! I’ve got the men here! Now for what’s probably the sixth time in the play: JOIN US IN THE CONSPIRACY TO KILL JULIUS CAESAR!!!

(Suddenly, Brutus‘ wife, Portia comes in.)

PORTIA
Brutus! Our small servant boy just left! And these men are here! What’s going on?

BRUTUS
…

PORTIA
What?

ME
Want me to tell her, mate?

BRUTUS
No.

PORTIA
B-But…Brutus…my love!!!

ME
All right, I’m on a budget here! Snappity-snap-snap!!
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ACT II. SCENE IV.
(Some Street. Portia chases after Lucius.)
(Lucius, exhausted from his journey, slumps down against a wall.)

LUCIUS
Hey, dude, how did we suddenly jump three acts?

ME
The other acts were boring. Oh, here comes Portia.

(Portia puts a desperate hand on his shoulder.)

PORTIA
Boy, why are you here and not running to the Senate?

LUCIUS
Apparently I was thinking about my life before you Romans totally-

PORTIA
Never mind that. (She hears something.) Wait, do you hear it?

LUCIUS
I hear nothing.

(Enter the Soothsayer who is mumbling to himself)

SOOTHSAYER
So, if Stalin-

PORTIA
Who are you and where did you come from?

SOOTHSAYER
Oh, I was watching a show about Joseph Stalin and trying to figure out how Caesar’s assassination leads to Karl Marx and the rise of Communism and Stalin, because I totally know that’s going to happen. Oh, and Caesar’s gonna die. The cards have shown me this. (Holds up an index card that has a dead stick figure representing Julius Caesar. It‘s in crayon.)

PORTIA
Oh no! Lucius! Run somewhere!! I will run to my lord! (Runs off)

LUCIUS
That's it. I'm leaving Rome for good.
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ACT 3. SCENE I.
(The Senate.)
(Caesar enters the Senate Chambers and sees the Soothsayer)

CAESAR
(Ignoring the odd sight)
Well, it’s the Ides of March. What’cha gonna do about it?

SOOTHSAYER
You speak too soon.

CAESAR
Um…yeah, sure, whatever.
(He lightly skips his way into the Senate.)

BRUTUS
What did Lena say?

CASSIUS
That he wishes us luck. I think he’s onto us.

BRUTUS
Mark him.

(Cassius holds up a red permanent marker)

CASSIUS
Already did so.

(Indeed. Popilius Lena has a big red circle mark on his cheek.)

BRUTUS
I will not ask how and why you did that.

(They enter and everyone sits. The Senate begins!!)

CAESAR
Okay, who wants to speak first?

(Metellus Cimber steps up)

METELLUS CIMBER
Sir, I wish to appeal for the release and freedom of my dearly beloved brother, Publius.

CAESAR
Yeah, not happening.

BRUTUS
Caesar, please!

CAESAR
Look, I could give a withered crap about Metellus’ brother. Really. My word is law. I’m king. After all, I’m the best. Now, bring hither the crown!

CASCA
Oh, that! IS! IT!!!

(They stab him to death)

CAESAR
(Through the pain and blood in his mouth)
(Beep) YOU!!

BRUTUS
Hang on, wasn’t it supposed to be “Et tu, Brute”?

ME
If you’re being stabbed to death, you really don’t have time for poetry.

(Caesar dies a slow, dramatic way. After all, this is the death of a leader, so it has to be slow, dramatic, Lord of the Rings like. Cue the song that plays in the very beginning of the first movie as Caesar‘s bloodied body falls down. After a while, the drum beats that represent Caesar’s heart stops. Everyone stares, including the blood covered conspirators.)

CASSIUS
So…

BRUTUS
Um…

SOME GUY IN THE SENATE
Did you guys seriously not think past stabbing the leader to a bloody death?

BRUTUS
Pretty much.

SERVANT
Hey, Mark Antony is here!

BRUTUS
OK.

(Mark Antony arrives to see the bloodied Julius Caesar dead on the ground with the bloodied conspirators above him. Only a three-year-old child would not solve this crime.)

MARK ANTONY
Everyone who cares to listen! Brutus has told you Caesar was ambitious, had he not? Well, if Caesar was ambitious as Brutus said and we all know Brutus is an honorable man, then why did Caesar thrice refuse the crown I gave him yesterday, bring the captives home, cried for the poor, and take care of debts?

BRUTUS
Methinks we are screwed.

CASCA
Um…OBJECTION!!!

BRUTUS
Dude, we’re so freaking screwed right now it’s not even funny.

CASSIUS
Let’s scram!

(They do so)

ANOTHER GUY IN THE SENATE
Um, why did you let them go?

MARK ANTONY
Because I must face the conspirators in battle! Besides, we’ve got one more scene in this act, three scenes in Act 4 and five scenes in Act 5 before the end of the play.

ANOTHER GUY IN THE SENATE
Or you can just kill them now and get it over with?

MARK ANTONY
Now you’re talking!
(He suddenly swipes the crown from a nearby shelf and places it on his head. He jumps on his horse. He charges with triumph out of the Senate with dramatic music playing. Girls faint. Boys simply hang their jaws in disbelief as this Chuck Norris of Ancient Rome waves his sword in the air after the fleeing conspirators. The battle is so great that it doesn‘t make it pass the budget. Plus, it‘s gory and gruesome, so you get a picture of a cute widdle puppy amidst its sibs in a puppy bed instead.)
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ACT 4. SCENE I.
(My scene)
(It‘s four years after all that stuff happened. Antony is now Octavian, the first Emperor of Rome. He sits on his throne eating grapes.)

SOOTHSAYER (V.O.)
And this empire shall last from 44 B.C. to 476 A.D. The empire shall cover a vast area, from the British Isles, Spain, to the Middle East, and the top of Africa. Unfortunately, Adolf Hitler will use this empire as a basis for his Third Reich in the 1940s. Even the Roman Salute will be transformed to the Nazi salute. Well, salutations!

(Le Fin!)
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There we are! The rest of the play. Hope you enjoy it.