The Turn of the Trail

Reading The Oregon Trail by Rinker Buck -- he decided to re-trace the Oregon Trail in the 21st Century using a mule-drawn wagon. I really like it, I find it very well-written.

And painful.

Painful because when he travels across Nebraska he goes right across the places I lived for a year, when I was following my vision. I know what he describes, and each time I read it I am stabbed by remorse, because I betrayed my vision and went back to the east. back to civilization. When he talks of Courthouse and Jail Rocks, I remember climbing Courthouse, and looking out over the vast unending openness; I remember finding a rattlesnake there one day; when he talks of Chimney Rock, I remember sitting at the base of it, feeling the prairie wind, smelling the wildflowers, watching the white clouds scud across a sharp blue sky. I remember arroyos and canyons, empty of people and devoid of obvious charm, but with hidden beauty. Magpies and circling hawks. I remember being atop Scotts Bluff and climbing Dome Rock. I know when I was there, I was where I was meant to be.

A Jim Croce song rang in my head,

"I got a name, I got a name
And I carry it with me like my daddy did
But I'm living the dream that he kept hid"

I knew he had loved the three years he spent out there, my first three years, and I was actually there, again, and loving it. Then I took a turn on the trail.

How easily I gave it up, and now it's too late to go back. Too many life issues, like barnacles on my sould I can cope, but my soul hurts.

The real irony is I'll bet no one here shares that vision, and would find that region barren and arid. Raad Buck's book and see if it changes any of that. For me it's a simple and painful affirmation, as I sit here in the upper midwest, midst beauty that doesn't touch my soul the way that did. I was young, and always thought I could reclaim it at will. But there are opportunities that come but once, and turns in the trail that are irreversible.

Keep that in mind as you wander your own trail. Heed that little voice. It might make all the difference.