The vibrant youth in the fading golden light, rode into the sunset

Emotions are complex but never experience or felt that it can sometimes make someone’s simple life complicated. About a month and a half ago, I was flipping back and forth between TV channels but found self hooked to a show which I hated the most “the reality TV shows” and the show was “Roadies”. It’s not the judges of Roadies audition or these people and the contestants’ drama on the show that caught my eye. It was about a lady with impressive personality, answering confidently a volley of questions thrown at her right from being carefree to get the boyfriend of her best friend that kept me glued to the TV. She did later confessed in the show that she broke up with the guy within few months of courtship. Though it sounds cheap at the beginning but as the show progressed, I got to know the reason for her behavior. I have not studied psychology nor claim to have knowledge of; but everybody is mature enough to learn something from the environment they were exposed to and from observation of people around them (friend circle, moholla, relatives; etc). The subject (the lady) did not have the luxury of living with her parents as they choose to go their separate ways. She spent her childhood with her grandmother since she was 6 months old and may be because of the circumstances she never knew what parental love is all about. Probably, her behavior of “I can get what I want” and making bad choices is growing up seeing her parents in bad relationship and the choices they have made. It touched my heart when she replied “It hurts when I see my friends with their parents” & cried inconsolably. The story is somewhat related to one of my close friend “AK” aka “TK” who is no more alive to read this article.

“TK” and I grew up in the same neighborhood doing all sorts of “Maskari” (fun stuff). “TK” was tough, gutsy, can easily start a conversation and make friends. He was so confident that there was nothing called the impossible for him. He was from a rich and affluent family. He was a genuine guy and popular in the locality because of his helping nature. “TK” never say no to anyone who approaches him even in the middle of the night for help. The only flaw one could find in him is that he was hot headed. Mostly, he gets along well with my elder brother’s friend circle than mine. But whenever I am around he ditches my bro’s group. Riding pillion on his scooter, we drove around the city and have “cutting chai” in road side stall. I let him do the talking and most of our conservation revolved around his girlfriend. Today, looking back to yesteryears and recalling the days gone, I could feel somewhere deep within he was insecure about himself. “TK” has been in “on and off” relationship with a girl nearby at an early age and continued for almost 8 long years. The break up was the beginning of the unthinkable that happened. He shared every good and bad moments of his life with me except his relationship with parents. I knew even though he never likes to talk about. Till today, I regret that I could not catch the invisible sign.

I was surprised but not shocked when I got the news that one of my childhood friend “BS” was shot in the forehead point blank for business and political motive late in the night or another childhood friend “KM” who committed suicide when his wife “PM” left with their son. I empathize with the family of my late friends. But it came as a shock to hear the sudden and untimely departure of “TK” from this world. He could not bear the thought of being alone again after his wife left him and committed suicide at his house. This unfortunate incident would not have happened if he had not left parental home.

This incident compels me to think “What drives people to take such drastic action? Why people behave the way they should not have? Why people appear to be happy even though they are not?” These questions still baffle me. I have not got a definite answer to these questions. The root causes for the insecurity people feel could have been due to many reasons they experience in their childhood. For illustration: fighting parents, favoritism towards one child over another, abusive parents, separation of parents, comparing to other children and so on. I do not want to disclose the family details of “TK” and being a close friend, I was aware what the root cause for his depression.

I am not judgmental of whether it is men or women who feel more depressed. Male ego is a powerful thing in men. Most men do not open up and talk about personal issues. Macho psyche consider crying as a sign of weakness and prohibit the men from expressing their feelings through softer ways. Women do not hold their emotions inside and cry their heart out. It is more likely for women to gain sympathy because seeing women cry make people heart wrench especially men. People do not acknowledge that depression is an illness as they are ashamed of and may be this is the reason why “TK” fail to seek help.

Jotted down my thoughts in memory of my friend “AK” aka “TK”