Timelines and other malarkey

I`m an asshole.


Warning this is mostly incoherent ramblings. Still want to put more polished things here but this is just what it is

TIMELINES OF LIFE:

BIRTH AND INFANT-HOOD: What it sounds like you`r basic things, expect for the life altering car accident . Some people just need to use there blinkers man. I ended up being a "miracle" child...never liked that term, IDK why it just..no..I just survive. Wasn`t supposed to walk, crawl, talk, and etc but...horses........

Ok I love that joke but needs context...hippo-therapy. The insurance and state wouldn`t actually pay for it because it`s not a proven treatment or at least at the time but I had the good fortune of being born to a horse trainer with a can do attitude. He did it himself, and I probably owe everything to that. My first (unaided) steps was actually something he got to shortly before he died (a day or two before)...the universe is a funny place....

CHILDHOOD: I mean, normal enough I guess played with transformers, grew up on a farm, couldn`t tie my shoes or twist a knob but we got there eventually. Childhood was actually something, grew up in the boondocks on a hobby farm. Backwoods small towns are...something. Wasn`t even a town, not even a burg anymore just a bunch of farms connected by proximity, a church, and a general story. Also had an interesting amount of excons...that clashed great with the holier than all folks. One of the farms was a worm farm that was neat. We had a rather mean and viscous cat (the other cats stole the eggs, he outright attacked the chickens) that ended up becoming a birder for them. A place for everybody you know? Growing up there was something. Got to witness rural society, the way a hierarchy forms out of esstinely nothing a people viy for power in a place that in no way matters. One guy had a life goal to buy up all of the burg...that`s..that`s not much...he`s bankrupt now. The saints and sinners thing was interesting church preaching caring for you`r neighbor but my mother being laughed at for suggesting helping an excon who got hit by a truck even though he was the one who helped us when we needed it. The church folk sleeping around and doing there own seedy shit the only difference was the sinners were more upfront. Group of random strangers rolled in once state up saying they were there to kill a guy. Maybe dry dark humor...but knowing the guy....it`s ok though he ended up in prison again so he was safe. I got to exist in a weird twilight zone between them. Raised up in the church, played with the church kids, and step father even helped build the dam thing and was a deacon. They still declared us "living in sin" and osterchised us. Still told my mother she was to "witchey" to help with Sunday school ...years before she went the new age path..... maybe they could see the future but that`s a little pot kettle then.

Growing up "special" and learning to overcome physical problems took a bit but hey....I`m mostly fine now. Can`t drive but that`s the only thing even eating and working out to bulk up and add more muscle. I overcame all of that. No more crash helmets, walkers, braces, physical and occupational therapists, and honestly that`s my biggest accomplishment. Back will probably always ache...it`s bruised but I can live with that. My handwriting's still crap too, partly due to problems with my hands, and the school giving up on teaching me and letting me use a laptop. I mean it was an accommodation and i`m grateful for it, but also, I would`ve liked to work on it more. Granted there methods involved taking the kid with sensory issues among other things and forcibly taping his fingers to the pencil...I didn`t corporate or react great to that. Oh that school was hell, I mean the kids were ok I guess didn`t connect with them at all but I was sheltered, dealing with my own stuff from the car crash issues to a abusive situation at home. That`s not even touching on people shooting are sheep from the road to send a message or hanging a elmo doll in the yard. That`s a whole other story...I loved that Elmo doll though. I never had an Elmo before, I thought it was cool. Kids. Anyways...I didn`t connect with the other kids maybe I didn`t want to but they were nice kinda pity nice but nice. I mean when my problems started getting better and less apparent, and I got held back into a group of kids I hadn`t grown up with....kids started getting mean guess pity was my only shield. No kids were as bad as the school themselves though, gave me so much anxiety dealing with them. Had to tooth and claw for every acomdantoin, tried to keep me from going to the high school because I would get trampled in the halls or some shit. Hint I didn`t....wasn`t there long when mom had a nervous breakdown and I switched to cyber but my two years of junior high and my one semester of high school I never got trampled.

HIGH SCHOOL (and bits of middle school and junior high): We actually ended up owning the general store in high school. That was fun....not really ....but bits of it. I still have the pizza tray bout only thing left. Make a mean hot sandwich on it. Step dad quit his job, went out bought a brand new car, drove it off the lot, and came home telling us he wanted to buy the store and he did. None of that was the smartest move. Come to find out later his brain was probably falling apart for a while at that point. It was good we unloaded the farm though, groups of interested parties and an ex wife all wanted it for mineral rights which were supposed to be worth something. They made things hell and sent quite a few messages...that poor sheep.....the exwife set fire to the barn and burnt it to the ground so yeah it was time to go. Thankfully all the animals lived except for two pigs. Sold it to a even bigger mobster than the one trying to get it...who then died at the same time as his uncle leaving it a son whose world and influence was falling apart. Come to find out the farm was worthless, the mineral rights were crap. The son sold it to people who tried to fix it up, then gave up and sold it, and it keeps going in that cycle now. The store was a home at least. Trying to running a store with someone with a brain diesease who`s in denial and doesn`t think he needs help is....no money was made there.... You order ham you get cheese and mayo on beard, and I got snapped at daily for trying to keep that happening. As he got worse mom, had to work to make real money and I had to take care of him...someone who was and had been abusive ...though the only father I ever knew still. The emotions on that were wild. Through in the "was it the real him or his dying brain?" and oh boy it` s a trip. I did it though, when I was there. Lived with other people here and there. When he passed the family were bastards, and emotions were everywhere. Sold the store and bought a home three hours away with insurance money. Mom had kept strong so long she broke when she finally could. She deserved that. PTSD, depression, extreme anxiety, and agoraphobia. Last one not to the can`t leave the house point but for a while...not alone...so I did cyber school, so I could be around and help her. We made a promise to each other and I made one to myself. I wanted to reinvent myself, grab for things. That didn`t happen, I was numb and shut off and my own anxiety and depression got worse. To each other, we were gonna work on our issues and rebuild....for a time we did....until we didn`t....

She didn`t like her diagnosis which is fine there not always right I had one of ADHD, and now it`s high function Autism. However, that was more rooted in her not accepting things didn`t like her medicantoin..fine it doesn`t always work tell the doctor...stops taking it...stops going to the doctor. Starts going down the new age rabbit hole, that somehow turns into right wing conspiracy theories with a new age ancient aliens bent. Instead of mentally ill, people have "low viberatoins" and can fix it by not thinking bad thoughts...that doesn`t work depression gets worse. 2nd suicide attempt comes in. For her....I`ve only had one... falls more into the crap. Anti vaccine, forces me to quit my own therapy, my autism diagnosis is either her fault for getting me vaccinated or mine for "not trying hard enough" which would have my dad ashamed. The not trying thing would apply to my anxiety and everything else as well even to herself...which digs her more into a hole...but trying to pull her out leads to fights outbursts get worst. Destroys her flowerbeds and garden. We still have like three plates because she threw everything around and smashed them all one night...that was almost as terrifying as when she pushed a washing machine down the stairs....(it was set there to get rid of it and got stuck. Hour or more later she got mad and just shoved it....Idk if she knew I was at the bottom or not. I move quick though)

I graduate...

feeling alone. Met my best friend though hailing from a life that`s simaller but different. Just as much wild shit though, only person I feel like there`s a real connection with. Other good people to, good friends connect with them just not fully, mentors an old doctor turned photographer taught me everything I know about my craft after high school I go from student to his assistant for a bit. Online communities like this.

I`m not alone, but the person who made the promise to rebuild with me the person who I`ve gone through hell and back with was always there.

Isn`t...not really

COLLEGE: HA this ones a joke. Community College because it`s cheap. I don`t even think I had a clear goal in mind I was so numb and shut off and used to just reacting to life. You got a fire for me to put out? Great I can do that. You want me to start a fire? uh uh uh..how? I was told what the next step was and I did it turn out it wasn`t the right step for me. OR not yet, I kinda wanna go back but not until I get my shit together. Dropped out after one semester.. I have debt now..that went well. Anxiety and depression thats what college was. Didn`t help people were dropping like flies around me. It`s interesting I`ve experienced a lot of death in my life but always in clusters. Two so far, my step dad, died and then two of the people that were real father figures to me died right after. A pastor of a local church who really took me under his wing and a former member of are church who`s trouble with alcoholism led to him being forced out who really was there for us in a way no one else was. Both died in car acadints. The themes the themes. Second cluster was people from the new town, friends parents who had taken me in and treated me like family while what was left of mine was falling apart...dead...two weeks apart two separate family's. Then the more spread out ones first friend I made in this town killed himself, another pastor who I worked with on a public access tv show, a close friend who died of medical problems. I`m used to death in a way but the second cluster left clouds and change...I dont do well with change but honestly? It`s all I really wan.

Post College: Me saying im gonna get my life together, trying, and failing. In a loop. I start I do little things then they go nowhere. Worked (local) festivals built stages, sold art, took pictures, worked with musicians, bar-tended and more. It was good, did volunteer work to, helped with a kids summer program. Tihngs were going great..then I stopped....just for no real reason fell down a hole. Pulled myself out, got at it again got a big opportunity doing photography for the local symphony. Had multiple big anxiety attacks and failed horribly. Then back into the hole...sounds like a prison film...saw-shank depression.

Did a few projects flaked on them or they fell apart. In a way though I feel like I learned about myself through this yeah. A whole year or peroid of my life full of failure isn`t fun but it taught me things. I think I know what I need to do now. Pace myself, don`t overwhelm myself, work on my issues, get into therapy to deal with the anxiety. Set a routine, work out, set up some independence. I`ve realized while I`ll never abandon my mother that`s my mother, I need to work on myself and can`t let her effect my mental health, need to do what`s best for me. She won`t work on hers but I still need to learn how to live with mine. I`ve learned my failings, my limits, and figured out where to go now.

NOW(ish): I`ve been doing better. It`s not a steady thing slowly but surely. I`m in a better head space, things with mother are at a calm now that i`ve pulled back from the relationship. I mean she`s still my mother but I can`t force her to drink and I stopped trying, healthy seperantoin. Working out, learning how to work, sound i`m baking again, getting into therapy, and other good things. Planning, and setting goals.

THE FUTURE:

ROUNDING OUT THE WINTER: Yesterday I cleaned, worked out and laid down a routine but I didn`t get more office stuff done. Got really on edge over that, really set off anxiety. Today was gonna be office stuff. Woke up to a snow storm, had to deal with that then two hours making breakfast (was good). Then started working at job application then motivation went away and a staired at a screen for a bit. Decided to type this I like writing i`m a good writer, but I`m sloppy. Grammatically incorrect and typo prone. Told myself any new posts to the blog would have more polish editing, me making sure it`s all cleaned up but this felt like I just wanted things to pour out. Getting all shit out to start anew, look at my past to plan out how to grow. It feels to me like i`ve done nothing but looking at it laid out..i`ve overcome a lot and done a lot. I can only do more. I know the only way to fix sloppy writing is practice and to just go over and over it before I do anything with it. I`m lucky to have a friend a writer herself who discovered a even greater love for editing who`s willing to be my defacto editor and beta as well. After this I`ll keep listening to my Watsky sound, make food, finish application, and things like that.

For now i`m gonna keep working what i`ve been working at, getting into a ritual. Work on work, writing, photography, baking,sound, therapy, bettering my relationships, and etc. I become a bit of a shut in in the winter, gets dark earlier, snow storms I don`t drive. For now though just get into a ritual.

SPRING: Pick flowers...really though can be less of a shut in get out back into the community more. Work more on myself and my projects still.

SUMMER: work, do the festivals and art scene, establish things a bit.

FALL: We`ll see I got plans I ain`t talking about yet. if those happen it`ll be fall 2019 if they don`t...we`ll see where everything is at.

.....Let`s get this bread. ..IDEK what i`m saying.