Twilight the Film: The Art of Film: Beaten, Raped, and Pillaged!

Okay I know, another Twilight post, but I'm not talking about the book. I'm talking about the movie. Yes I actually watched it (mostly so I can rant about it ). Needless to say, I am awestruck. No, it's not that its a film adaptation or an adaptation of a book I hate. The thing I hate about this movie, is it's utter destruction of film as a medium and just how horrible the basic fundamentals of cinema have been torn apart by it. I'm really not sure what's worse: The film adaptation for Eragon, or the film adaptation for Twilight.

Ironically, I don't even have to touch the story (all I'll say is that they took a beaten horse, tore it apart, couldn't find the instructions to put it back together, and set it on fire). The fundamental aspects of gilm just seemed to me like they've been raped and torn to pieces into something so cinematically bad I have to determine it is one of the three worst movie adaptations ever created (along with Eragon, and Starship Troopers).

Here's the problem: You've seen those documentaries that are thrown together and have really bad and fake reenactments? I think they took the people who made those, and decided to ask them to make this movie. The whole movie in every aspect feels horrible hollow, and horribly fake. The props look fake, the background feels fake, and the characters and the camera are so horribly handled. I could end it with that but I am so tired of people loving this movie and declaring Edward is the definition of sexy, that I'm going to keep complaining about it.

It's my life, I'll waste it how I want .


Point 1: Lighting

The lighting in this film is so bad! Remember Blade Runner? You know where the film was so entrenched in darkness it was a real struggle to see anything at all? This is the opposite of that! Everything is so horribly white, and it makes the horrible make up for the characters faces all the worse. The lighting for the film just astounds me. Why would they make it that bright? I think it would have made more sense to go a little darker than normal, to tone done the awkward pale faces of the characters.

Point 2: Casting

The actors are not just horrible, they are bad. Only Billy, Charlie, and Rosalie seemed remotely real to me, and Edward and Bella were just horrible. Bella has this stupid look on her face the whole film, where you can just see her two front teeth and she looks like a beaver. Meanwhile Edward just has this stupid goofy look to him at all times, and his lines are so poorly delivered they feel like he isn't really trying.

This just carries on throughout, compounded by several problems in the film which I'm going to complain about now:

Casting Sub-point A: DBZ Hair GO!

The hair stylist for this movie, needs to be fired. Twilight has won the award for most Ludicrous Hairdos. Edward looks like Goku, Alice looks like her hair got put through a washing machine, and Jasper looks like a corpse (In a bad way not a good "oh he looks like a corpse and he's a vampire, cool" sort of way.). Jacob looks like a really retarded throw out from Last of the Mohicans (Or Trunks, with dark hair and no bad a$$ level). Carlise looks like he's straight out of The Days of Our Lives or General Hospital, and Esme... oh I'm just going to stop here before I have a heart attack.

The only character with remotely good hair, was Charlie, because he had one kick butt mustache. The downside? He looks like MacIntyre "Mac" Womack from Super Troopers.

Casting Sub-point B: You thought the 80's was a fashion disaster?

The clothing in this movie is as bad as the casting and makes the characters feel even more fake. All their clothes look like they're made of that really cheap material that they make holloween costumes and cosplay out of. Basically all the clothing feels fake save for a few outfits, and that just compounds how fake the characters feel.

Casting Sub-point C: Makeup

I'm not a make-up person. I'm a guy, and even if I was a girl, I doubt I'd use much of it. This movie, takes the opposite approach. Everyone looks like the freak'n Joker! You can even see where the white face paint everyone wears ends and their real skin tone begins. I'm sorry. I know they're supposed to be pasty white, but often times, when you take Anime and Book characters and try to translate them into a really live action environment, they just come out and make you wonder "I thought this was cool?"

They all look like retards. When the lighting is so horribly bright, it just seems so incredible ridiculous how pale everyone is. They really should have toned down the lights to play down the make up, or just NOT USED IT AT ALL.

Point 3: The Camera has Epilepsy

Yes. It does. The camera shakes the whole film and in a very bad way. Not a cool way like the Bourne films. It seems like they were too cheap to afford a dolly, so they just filmed it all with a hand held. Watch the ending. Upon realizing this I found the films end incredible ironic, almost like some had the "brilliant" idea to do it on purpose.

The camera shakes so bad that half the time it draws attention to itself. Then comes the really awkward sweeping camera views that further emphasize the really poorly done fake documentary feel I got the whole way. The scenic views look like someone either did some really poor CGI, painted it, or took a photo and slapped it on a billboard and hoped no one would notice.

Then there's the really really bad angles that persist throughout the film. I don't think the film makers even thought about it. It's not to say they're the worst angles I've ever scene. The shaking is the real problem, but the angles feel to standard, to boring. Then they just switch it over to these huge sweeping shots out of no where and the whole situation goes from "meh" to "wtf?" Add on some horrible scene transitions and camera work than in general just screams "This is movie, we aren't trying to immerse you in the experience."

In conclusion, this film is not just bad because the material it is based on is bad, but the film work in general is atrocious. It might actually be the perfect adaptation now that I think about it:

Twilgiht (Novel): A horrible story that is poorly written and baffles even the most mediocre writers into what Meyer was thinking as she wrote that 500th "cringed."

Twilight (Film): A horrible story that is poorly shot, with horrible casting, and overplayed lighting and character attire that feels like a really badly filmed documentary.