uneasy tuesday

I'm downstairs in my boyfriends study avoiding the inevitable uneasy sleep I will have,lying beside him,lying to myself?and maybe him..god knows if my uneasiness tonight is from my own depression that rears its ugly head every so often,or from the thought that whispers in my head that things are not as they should be,that living with him should be happier and stress free..
How am i supposed to know anyway?If I can't trust my own mind to know how to feel,if I can't control the pulses in my head that occasionally or often force me into a dark corner of my space ,how can I know if things are going well?
I can't escape the urge to run away from all of this,start afresh with no worries of relationships and companionship..but the fear of being truly alone doesn't leave,even if the company I choose to stave away that same loneliness leaves me inthis haze of confusion I find myself in.