Wake up, America!
WARNING: Aimed more or less at Americans (from the USA, American is a broad general term that applies to everyone from farmers in Kansas to Gauchos in Argentina). If you are from another country this may merely amuse you as it may not apply or make much sense to you.
My hands and feet are both balled in rage today as on many other days. Why? Why do I feel so much anger and antipathy towards my fellow countrymen and women? Frustration. It’s been festering for a long time, it’s been building up, I bottle it up because destructive emotions really serve no purpose; but the cork has its limits. My qualms are multi-faceted, but I’ve managed to organize some of the free floating hostility into a few paragraphs. This is partly comical as well as topical. I believe in what I say, I say what I mean, and most definitely mean all of it. It may anger some of you, offend, and annoy; but I cannot apologize for who I am or what I believe. If you don’t care much for my opinion it may not concern you much, and if you feel the same way I do I’m preaching to the choir. If all this comes as a shock then I hope my angst, when released like a Jinn from a bottle, strikes a chord of reason in someone else, because I feel there are lessons to be learned from the ‘habits’ of others.
If you feel the absolute need to own a firearm, then for Christ’s sake, lock it up or keep the ammo separate or at least out of the reach of a child. In between the intentional violence committed with guns and the unintentional discharges that also kill, we make the global record for the greatest number of firearms-related injuries and deaths. I understand that it’s your constitutional right to own a Rhino-dropping rifle and I’m sure it makes you feel safe from the redcoats, but for Pete’s sake, keep the safety on until after the fourth of July fireworks. It doesn’t surprise me that the average Canadian owns more firearms statistically than the average American and that Canada has minimal gun-related crime. They aren’t inherently wiser or less evil than us, they are simply more responsible. When I was a kid, if I played with my toys recklessly they were taken away from me. I’m just saying.
Turn off your stupid home entertainment metroplex when you go to sleep at night. Turn off your TV/computer/DVD player and unplug your dildos from the wall. Every year around summer time, when it’s hot as hell and mosquitoes rule the Earth the power shuts down and then we all bitch that it’s the government’s fault. I used to think it was a combination of poor infrastructure and a last straw (a poorly maintained power grid with chaffed wire bundles, and a rat chewing into a line). And that may happen, but apparently what we’re finding out more and more is that we’re simply consuming too much energy and can’t seem to understand the relation between finite and electricity. You laugh now, but not when you’re lighting candles and going through Google withdrawals.
If you don’t believe in abortion, during any trimester, under any condition (incest, rape, etc), then do us all a favor and put on a freaking condom before you bump uglies. Planet Earth is already swarming with a plethora of your slivering brood, Noah’s Ark made it, we can put the baby factory back in neutral now. The same people who can’t fathom the dangers of overpopulation and the fact that the planet’s dimensions are finite are the same people with the super sperm who are rapidly reproducing and passing on the stupid gene. Pulling out does not always work. I don’t care if her insides are lined with silk, it’s not worth what I hear wailing in the seat next to me at the most exciting part of a movie in the theaters.
Wash your hands, keep your filthy hands out of your mouth, and cover your disgusting mouth when you sneeze, you pig. The filthiest animal on the planet is not a pig, it is a human, that’s why pigs were kind enough to make us sick to teach us all a lesson. Eating ca-ca is bad, ca-ca is on the floor, the walls, and anything you can touch. Wash your hands before you eat, and before you serve food to me, please. While you’re at it trim your claws, brush your fangs, and scrub your hair if you refuse to get regular haircuts.
Eat less, we are an obese nation. Don’t listen to the infomercials, there is no secret fat pill or wonder diet that can magically make you thin. Take the first step and put the cookie down. Try to eat one slice of a pie instead of the entire pie. And then stand up and walk, preferably somewhere outside and not back and forth from the fridge.
Recycle. There are a finite amount of trees, you don’t need a receipt for every candy bar you buy, fat-ass. While you’re at it, stop throwing your trash on the ground you filthy litterbugs.
Do more for your country and demand less. We invented the airplane, light bulb, open heart surgery, atom bomb, and the lunar lander. Imagine how much we would have got accomplished it Edison was always bitchin about how much the government sucked. Get off your couch you lazy sack and patent something before you start complaining. We got no steel industry left and our automobile industry is the joke of the world economy, but don’t blame the government for that. Blame the CEO’s with billion dollar paychecks who are driving their daddies’ companies into the dirt.
America is number thirty something on the list for health care, we’re a nation where a patient may have to pay out of their pocket to get life-saving treatment at a hospital and we’re the richest nation on the planet. The Europeans are making us look stupid and backwards (like usual) because they have things like universal health care, free education, and nude beaches (no, just kidding. I threw in that last one to see if you were paying attention. We can never have nude beaches because we are a nation of puritanical, intellectually backwards children who blush at the mention of sex and point and giggle when we see a penis on a statue.). If you’re pissed because we are missing out on all the great things we could be enjoying like the most of the modern and civilized world then look in the mirror and blame yourself. For years we have allowed the elite, the one percent of the population with all the wealth and power, to lie to us, scare us, and convince us that the government is bad. Because of this we limit the powers of the government, call it evil, and prevent the kind of programs we need to provide affordable pills for the people who need them in order to live. Good job.
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