What a walk

By SunnyDays · Jan 23, 2012 · ·
  1. Wow the world of writing is hard. I thought I was about finished writing my book about hiking the entire Appalachian Trail. Now I'm not so sure. I could use some input on the first three paragraphs. Are they gripping enough?

    I was frustrated when she responded with less enthusiasm. Hiking was her idea of a senior trip. I had sent my mind loose day-dreaming about a saunter in the woods. The more I talked about the trip the more I knew we would never actually do it. I graduated high school and life went on. I forgot the whole idea and went about my life trying to figure out my future. I put the whole Appalachian trail adventure on the back burner.

    The idea of the Appalachian Trail did not arise again until after I was excitedly planning on getting a treadmill. I would tell anybody that would listen about how I was going to get my own treadmill. And how I was going to get in tiptop shape. I imagined being much more thin and fit. Finally I found a treadmill I was ready to buy. I had the money. Everything seemed to be lining up, but when I approached my father about having a treadmill, he said, “Not in my house,” cutting down every hope I had built up, like he cuts down trees everyday.

    I lived in a crowded house. My father worked as the owner of a tree trimming company and my mother worked at a christian theater sewing up costumes. If the average number of kids is two and a half, they have twice the average number of children. Making me the middle of five. People would tell me, “The middle child is the forgotten child.” I never believed them. I had an older sister to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. And three brothers to be competitive with.

Comments

  1. art
    Hey

    Yeah, one certainly wants to read more on the back of those three paragraphs... Which is pretty much the definition of success.
    Without giving your whole book away, did you enjoy it? The trail is something I' ve thought about doing.
  2. GemmaB
    I certainly wanted to read more! Sounds like an amazing adventure! I think that you're holding back quite a bit in the first paragraph. Your voice seems a bit disinterested. Were you really not interested in the adventure or were you secretly excited about the idea of a grand adventure? Frustration often indicates movement towards a desire that is halted by external forces. Who/What stopped you? Why? What was your reaction? You hinted at a lot, but I think there's a lot more there that you have to say! : ) Happy Writing!
  3. SunnyDays
    Okay so my book is about hiking the entire Appalachian trail. I enjoyed it sometimes and hated it others. I am worried about the comment about being disinterested. At this point I hadn't thought up hiking the entire thing. I was incredibly frustrated. The rest of the chapter talks about getting my mother to give me permission to go. She thought it wasn't safe and that I wasn't prepared. I had the obstacle of finding a hiking partner.
  4. Animal
    It's gripping but it's still ruff. In the first sentence I'm wondering who "she" is... you may want to tell us her name and what relationship she has with you. Also, there are a lot of "I"s in these three sentences. Pick up a book, any book written in the first person and see how other writers avoid all those I's. You would get a lot more attention with these if you post them in the workshop to be critiqued. Your writing has improved, keep at it and I think you will be a great writer.
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice