I had been going to therapy for 10 years and now they say I can't be helped. I'm FUBAR, a failure and always have been. Now I'm close to the end of my tether.
What would Hitler say?
In my spare time I do a lot moping within the arduous prison of my mind, whose bars drawn across my consciousness restrict me the freedom to achieve my objectives, and whose innate poison has spread throughout the rest of my body and diseased my soul. The symptoms of this disease manifests itself in the things that I say and think, which to an outsider who does not understand the illness can sometimes be categorised as an array of self-absorption, self-defeating statements, self-pity or anything inward that can be prefixed with a 'self.' Much of my thinking is characterised by lamentations about how the world never does me any favours, because for some reason which I am not explicitly aware of I feel a sense of entitlement. I do not have the confidence to go outside of my house, therefore much of my time is spent sitting on the laptop and the internet, writing my short stories concerning death and poison. The internet is my one true solace for it has enabled me to communicate my pain in a much more effective fashion whereby in less technologically-advanced times of the past I would never have been able to do so; my voice would've gotten left by the wayside in a vacuum.
What would Hitler say?
Hitler would probably say something Darwinistic because thanks to the internet which has given me freedom to express my pain, I have happened to discover some Hitler quotes. Mein Fuhrer was once quoted as saying: “Since the inferior always outnumber the superior, the former would always increase more rapidly if they possessed the same capacities for survival and for the procreation of their kind; and the final consequence would be that the best in quality would be forced to recede into the background. Therefore a corrective measure in favour of the better quality must intervene. Nature supplies this by establishing rigorous conditions of life to which the weaker will have to submit and will thereby be numerically restricted; but even that portion which survives cannot indiscriminately multiply, for here a new and rigorous selection takes place, according to strength and health.”
I know that Hitler was fond of saying stuff about the strong overcoming the weak, and I hear the words but they are floating over the top of my head...Something or other about the inferior being numerically restricted...All I ever wanted to do was be a writer who got published and got recognition for all the hard work I do at my laptop. All I want is a little pat on the top of the head that says, “There's a good little boy, now keep up the hard work”. Now that my life is persistently signified by failure in everything I do my whole raison d'etre has disintegrated, and now I feel like ending all the pain, escaping from the arduous prison of my mind. Today I plucked up the courage to wander about the streets of my city kicking litter and all I can see is the cruelty of the world in all its uncaring ambivalence; this would be a great and deep subject to write about and I have been working on a novel to this effect. I think about how my life has progressed from point A to B, which is a relatively short space of time when you consider the great expanses of time and human history that has come before, and which will surely come after. At some point during this journey of mine I have been led to believe that I am a unique and special individual who should celebrate my talents wherever they can be found, even if these talents are ordinary and my writing conventional. Somewhere along the line I have picked up the impression that I deserve at least a modicum of triumph in what I do, because I have spent a lot of time on my laptop practising and working very hard. I never knew much about failure until I failed, although I'm now told by my good internet friends that failure is very prominent in this world and that I should just deal with it but I can't.
What would Hitler say?
Hitler elaborated on many things in his big book Mein Kampf, and I see here that he says “ The stronger must dominate and not mate with the weaker, which would signify the sacrifice of its own higher nature. Only the born weakling can look upon this principle as cruel, and if he does so it is merely because he is of a feebler nature and narrower mind; for if such a law did not direct the process of evolution then the higher development of organic life would not be conceivable at all.”
I don't know about you but I think it is very cruel that Hitler says these things about born weaklings. I have been told for many years that what I have is an illness for which there may be no cure depending on my determination to better it; and if you look at the literature which is scientific this will prove the point about my suffering which is undoubtedly now classified as an illness. Hitler would not have known much about this because this is a relatively new development that has arisen through the progress of research and changing societal attitudes. What I say and do from the point following my diagnosis then is to an extent validated and tolerated by empathetic individuals; and when I say something that is full of self-pity they do not judge me for they know that it is an illness and I am therefore absolved of much of my responsibility when I say and do the wrong things. There are so many things in this life that I do not understand, such as how my depressive attitude eventually becomes a mindset which is embedded and over which I have no control. Like I said before my mind is a prison and in a prison you have no independence to do as you please; I reflect on my life and how it got to this point, and if I go back early enough then inevitably I will find instances of hardship, throughout my childhood to adult life, episodes of negativity and trauma which shapes me into who I am today. I've been told many times that everybody has problems but some people deal with problems in different ways, or perhaps not at all.
What would Hitler say?
Hitler would say “Among the most primitive organisms the instinct for self-preservation does not extend beyond the care of the individual ego. Egotism, as we call this passion, is so predominant that it includes even the time element; which means that the present moment is deemed the most important and that nothing is left to the future. The animal lives only for itself, searching for food only when it feels hunger and fighting only for the preservation of its own life. As long as the instinct for self-preservation manifests itself exclusively in such a way, there is no basis for the establishment of a community; not even the most primitive form of all.”
Hitler may be right. I haven't been feeling much community lately, only the self-preservation of myself and my fiction which I hope to publish some day; but there is a problem for this self-preservation of mine is on the verge of blowing out like a candle due to my concussive failures and growing thoughts of suicide. Far from feeling any sense of community these days rather I have been feeling somewhat disconnected from the rest of society, which is exacerbated by my burrowing into the depths of my stories which include my own personal pain, and they thus reflect my lack of personal experience which is borne out of rarely leaving the house, my world-view being based upon my streams of first person sentences where one seems to follow another until I am finished or tired. I do not like to look at this as a form of self-indulgence but more as a system of anecdotal understanding, and the burgeoning of my writing talent. I can't say categorically why this is so, why this is the way that I think, but I suspect this has something to do with my illness because my illness is at fault for many things but it may also be something to do with the internet which has given me freedom to express my pain but also maintains it in perpetuity. In any case I will continue as I do, and think as I do, until the day that I finally feel like I don't want to do, that I've had enough and I decide to end it.
However, at this moment I shall pay no attention to Hitler and the tenets of what he had to say because he was an evil bastard who killed a lot of Jews.
You need to be logged in to comment