Who am I?

By Indigo Sugar · Oct 21, 2015 · 688 · 2
  1. Who am I?

    This question has loomed over me for years. Particularly this last year.

    If you were to ask a handful of people that see me on the regular, or know me on a deeper level. They'd probably tell you that I am the following :
    - Friendly
    - Smart
    - Funny (Hilarious at times even)
    - Bubbly
    - Creative
    - Driven
    - Independent
    - Kind
    - Empathetic


    But that's not truly WHO I am, that's just HOW I am. Yes, I'm the girl that can walk into a room of strangers and make them laugh, or crack a smile within the first few minutes of meeting them. Yes, I'm the girl who has a smile that lights up a room. Yes, I'm the girl that doesn't go unnoticed if I'm having a bad day ( I have them, its true ). AND Yes, I am the girl who lost good guy friends because their girlfriends felt threatened by me.

    I'm not trying to toot my own horn. Honestly. Being me can be exhausting. It's like everyone expects me to be this bright, happy bubbly person all the time. Some days I don't want to be that person.

    The truth is, I have no idea who I really am inside. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. It bothers me that time has such a weight to it. I feel pressured to be at certain place or that I should have reached certain milestones by now.

    Am I happy? Yes, for the most part. However, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see what everyone else sees. I don't see a whole lot that I myself am proud of. I haven't really accomplished much in my life so far. The things I do have, I didn't get on my own. Ever.

    I am a starter of things, never a finisher. I could tell you that the list of things I've finished is MUCH shorter than the list of things I've started. Finished high school, didn't finish my college classes. Whether its been projects, or small business ideas, or even short story ideas. I get off to a good start, then lose momentum and everything just stops. Dead. Done. Am I alone on that? Probably not. Could I change it? Probably, but that means starting something... and with my track record I bet you can guess the outcome.

    If I were to die tomorrow... The greatest thing I'll leave behind is the way I made people feel. I'm not saying that that is a bad thing at all. Part of me just knows that there is more to me, than me. The key is to figure out how to find that... any ideas where to start?

    This is was not meant to be a pity post at all. I'm venting, because this is my safe place. Thank you if you made it this far.

    - Indigo

    ------
    Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free.
    - Eckhart Tolle
    ------
    Corbyn likes this.

Comments

Sort Comments:

Sort Comments By

  1. Aidan Stern
    I feel you, I really do.
    Aidan Stern, Oct 21, 2015
      Indigo Sugar likes this.
  2. Corbyn
    I've struggled with similar thoughts since graduating from High School. I'm not the usually outward happy type though.

    I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I should do with myself. I'm good with animals, and my family wanted me to become a Vet. I do work in the field now as a technician, but I've never felt like it was my thing. Never been able to find my thing. Or get out of my own head space to try something truly different. Or something I might really want. Plus, I lack quite a bit of self confidence.

    Until May. In May I heard a speach Jim Carrey gave and it affected me greatly. The gist of the speach was Carrey talking about the lessons he learned from his father, who had been in insurance for twelve years before being laid off. Watching his father, Carrey realized you can waste a lot of time doing the "safe" thing, and still fail. Still find yourself unhappy and out of work, Carrey's father had wanted to be a comedian. Carrey's advice instead of doing the safe or easier thing, was to give yourself permission to try.

    For me it took that speech for something to click.

    I'm not the best writer, my grammar isn't great, but all my life I've only half put myself into things that I probably didn't want because I didn't know what I wanted, or what to do. I want, no I need to tell good stories.

    So my comment to you is this.... Those things you've tried... we're they really what you wanted? If they were, you'd have thought about them multiple times every day, you'd wonder what if i... or how can i... excessively. Like an obsession. If your not obsessive, then it's not what you should be worrying about, or doing.

    I'm putting that effort into my writing, because I could fail at finishing my degree, my current job, any future job...but at least I'm trying to make something that makes me happier be the thing that I get to do all the time.

    I know you're venting, but think about what makes you smile, what you want to spend every day with. It's not easy, and it doesn't come easy to you. I'm nearly thirty five, and I'm just now realizing a lot of things about myself, and life in general. Hang in there.
    Corbyn, Oct 23, 2015
      Indigo Sugar likes this.
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Accept Learn More...
    Dismiss Notice