Why Am I Dogberry's Watch?

So, here is my story. Sort of. I'm writing this in here because it seems the appropriate place to talk about myself without feeling like an egomaniac. I'll still probably end up feeling like one and this blog will be posted in sporadically.

As I mentioned in my introduction thread, I usually go by Mercutio when I'm online somewhere. Mercutio is my favorite character in Shakespeare, and I love his dramatic flair. "A plague o' both your houses," indeed. He uses wit to cover his insecurities, and he's fiercely loyal to his friends. When he dies, the spark in the play goes with him, and it's all just teenage drama after that. I mean, it was before, but even more so after.

Not only was Mercutio taken for this forum, but it felt disingenuous to who I used to be to continue using the name Mercutio here. Sometimes I'd put some twist on it, such as Mercutio MadHat, or something to that effect, but I don't feel like I'm the person I was when I created that name. That persona, as it were.

For one thing, that was over ten years ago. I was a teenager myself. Now I'm in my very early thirties and so tired all the time, but no rest will salve the weariness. It's a life long weariness. And so, I chose to utilize my gamertag, Dogberry5watch. Only more appropriately spelled for a writing forum, obviously. There are still parts of me that exist as Mercutio, but I'm no longer the desperate for friends person I was. When I started my new job a few months ago, I was incredibly lonely. I still am in some aspects, but it doesn't drive me like it used to.

I joined the old forum in search of like minded writers, and I found them. Then it became more of a social media networking site instead of about writing, and I can understand that when we had more younger members joining. Writing fell to the wayside. I still write outside of forums, and when I'm in them, I try to be a helpful member. I joined a few others along my path here, and none of them fit into my heart like I wanted them to. I didn't look forward to going to the websites daily.

I've been here since the end of November and I have to stop myself from checking in before work because I'll be late if I do. It feels like what I wanted. There's an episode of The Walking Dead, where Rick Grimes and his group of merry travelers are invited to join a new community, Alexandria. Rick and his crew have not had the best of luck in joining others, so he's leery of doing so. The camera focuses in on his face in the car as he waits outside the gates, and the sound is too quiet. But then he hears children laughing.

I don't want to be so dramatic as to say I was like Rick when I found this place, and it's been less than three weeks since I've joined, but already I feel like I could be part of this place, and I feel like it could be the home my writer heart has looked for ever since the loss of the other one.

I know that sounds frightfully dramatic and overly sentimental, but part of what tied me so closely to the other forum was my friend. He went by the name moonmanmad on forums, taken from Kerouac's Desolation Angels. He and I didn't start out as friends there, but quickly became so, talking on the forum through posts and private messages, and so on. We then started using MSN Messenger (blast from the past, yeah?), and spoke for hours on end about writing and life and loss and love and so much. Then, we became pen pals.

I have his letters in a bundle in a box that holds all of my deeply treasured items. They're wrapped up with my letters to him.

He died.

It ripped me open so fiercely, I'm still not recovered. His twin brother asked if I wanted my letters back and I said yes. I didn't want the evidence of my love for him to be destroyed.

It's been a few years. I try not to cling to it like it's making me the woman who wanders the shore all the time, but when I let myself look at the grief, it overwhelms me and I become incapable of knowing anything else.

I'm not saying this forum feels like him. Nothing feels like him.

But it could help make it not hurt so much. And that's what I really, really want.