Why?

I really don't expect anyone to pay attention to me on this huge site. I mean, I am only one person in a sea of quite a few, but if you are reading that is good as well. Anyways I'm not one of these people who has pearls of wisdom to give to the masses. Infact, I am probably one of those who are lost with life. I love writing and creating my own little worlds, but when I try to write down what I want I tend to fail miserably. I'm kinda writing this blog for myself more then the reader so my thoughts are disjointed at best. I guess my problem is I have been in a rut for almost two years now.

I love my stories but when I try to write them down...well my mind blanks out. sometimes my characters are fully formed in my head perfect as they are, and then other times the same character is like mush and I can't muddle through there personality. I think I am a decent writer I just don't have the confidence in my self. I was always the girl that everyone ignored or made fun of and I think that has permanently scared my psyche.

When I try to write I start thinking 'what if they hate me? what if everyone thinks this story is crap?' then I just can't write anymore and I put it off for another day. The only time I feel clear headed enough to write is when I feel like the world is crashing down around me. It's only then when I strangely feel at peace with the world and I no longer care about the dreaded 'them'.

I think most writers are a little messed up in the head, but I feel like I am in serious trouble when the only time I feel 'at home' so to speak is when I am being put upon by either family or everyone else around me. I guess part of my block is caused by the fact that two years ago I got out of Highschool. I no longer have people picking on me. In collage things are different people respect me because I am highly intelligent and creative. Now I find myself panicking because people actually think I am interesting and want to talk to me.

I try to keep hidden away from them keep to myself but they just keep talking to me. I like to answer teachers questions always have but now I'm almost afraid to because then people will want to talk to me because I know the information. I think they want to be friends but a small part of my mind that is suspicious of everyone thinks they just want to use me.

Ugh I'm not really sure what to do with my life...but I do know one thing I want to write.