Astrid

I am an analytical consciousness with a heart. To be honest, it's the little things that make or break my day.

I don't try as hard as i should so i keep telling myself to work on that and hopefully someday it will just... fall into place. One day i want to achieve something worthwhile but for now i'm just living one day at a time. I am a book-aholic. I am a very sentimental person. I've laughed till I almost pissed my pants. I’ve jumped in huge puddles, having then to walk home totally soaked. I've knocked on random doors and then ran for dear life. I've laid staring at the blue sky for hours. I've made the same mistake twice. I am a perfectionist. I love hanging upside down on monkey bars. I love the beauty of nature. I love the feeling of sand between my toes.

I live in a world that is not reality. One that is made upon dreams, ideals and romantic innovations. I suffer from introverted fantasies. Subsequently these fantasies lead to bad decision making. Not those that first jump to mind...addiction, isolation, aloofness, judgments. I drift into mind and find beauty, peace, love, a general sense of well being. When faced with reality, I shut you off...I don't return calls, I make plans and cancel. I fear that in the long run statistics prove you to be a terrible disappointment. In these fantasies I am allowed to enjoy you...but life, environment, society forces me to suppress these desires, creating anxiety, a feeling of butterflies in my little belly.

Most days I feel in a hurry...the funny thing being I usually have nowhere of importance to be. I want to believe that as I educate, eliminate, and grow that these fears will slowly dissolve like alkaseltzer dropped in a warm glass of water. But reflections of my youth say that the older I grow, the more value I find, resulting in more fear. Fear of losing all that I have learned to appreciate, to enjoy, to believe in the right. I guess this is early adulthood rants on the meaning of life..

Smoking weed, Music, Playing the electric guitar, Danger..