To be honest, I don't think self-publishing is too bright an idea.
No, anything sells in these states and money is cheap as chips. I read all about it in Money.
Microsoft Word is all that is ever needed methinks.
If it's a short story, soon. If it's anything longer, you might want to delay it and the rest of the major plots you might have in mind, which...
Write. Edit. Rewrite. Don't think too much into it.
There is perhaps no better alternative. Try the English translations.
Most books that exist.
I have felt that writing dialogue almost exactly like human conversations would go feel formless and cumbersome to read. In classical literature...
None of them realized I was watching all of them. - as the narrator.
I'd say read as much as you can and take care to choose what to read properly.
For me it's usually better when it's easier. An unrelated tip: The thesaurus in Microsoft Word is amazing.
Separate names with a comma.