Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

You're caring for your mother? Do you mean physically, as in caring for somebody who is disabled or elderly? That is a stressful situation for anybody. Carers really do struggle. I don't know your specific situation, but is there the potential for respite care at all?

 

Not exactly; she is disabled but independent. I had her come and live with me when she was too ill to work any longer, so it's mostly financial dependence, but also that stress is very bad for her so I take care of as much as possible and don't involve her. One of the stressy things at the moment is the landlord of our previously property trying to claim £5k from me (which is ridiculous and he won't succeed, but still stressful) and my mum knows nothing about it because she would worry herself crazy.

It can be stressful living together because she's alone all day so when I get back from work she's desperate to talk, and I just want to sit and enjoy the silence for an hour after spending all day with people - introvert here. And sometimes I'm short and grumpy with her and that makes me feel awful because it isn't her fault.

 

Well, I would find that stressful as well. The problem with the landlord is one of those 'life' things that happens from time to time. Hopefully it will fall flat, in your favour. I'm more concerned about the mother thing. The intrusion into your alone-time must be incredibly hard to deal with, and there isn't an immediate answer—unless she understands that you need alone-time after a long day at work. She also needs to understand it's not her prerogative to give it or withhold it. It's your right to demand it. And get it.

Be careful that you don't allow this situation to become so bad that you are permanently damaged by it and become fully anti-social. It can be hard to come back from that—back to where you welcome contact with people again, instead of just tolerating it.

I'm saying this from the perspective of somebody who has also dealt with intrusive people who either live/lived with me or are/were dependent on me. Often it wasn't just one particular person, but an endless succession of people, all of whom had no idea that they were contributing to driving me cuckoo. B-but ...but I haven't seen you in over a week...! (Pouty lip, sad, hurt expression, etc.) Aye, but 50 OTHER people have, you nugget! Buggeroff!!! I know. It's difficult to maintain close friendships with that kind of attitude, but you can certainly end up being driven to it.

If your mother is 'independent,' does she have friends herself? If not, is there a way she could make friends? Some group activity she could attend regularly, or something like that? Anything to get HER out of the house at predictible times and give you some space? In addition, you can set boundaries. (Something like: When I go into my bedroom and shut the door, that's it. I don't want to be disturbed, unless it's an emergency. I may come out of the room because need the toilet or a cup of tea, but that doesn't mean I want to be yakked at. I'll let you know when I'm ready to socialise again. I've been talking and getting talked at all day. I need my 'alone time' to write ...or chill ...or whatever. Please respect my space.)

There is also the option of 'social media.' If your mom is computer literate—and if she's not, that's something to work on—she could spend a lot of time making friends online. We all know how much time we can 'waste' doing that. It's bad for us, when we need to get stuff done. But for somebody like your mom, that might be a really good thing for her to do, if she doesn't already. It will give her daily human contact, something to look forward to that she can control, and a way to stay in touch with interests she can no longer pursue, due to her disability.

Some people—and hopefully your mother is one of them—are open to the approach that your need for space and alone-time is not personal. You don't want to deal with ANYBODY 24/7. You are happy to live with another person and look after their needs, and spend time with them for pleasure, but you need your own space as well. Just because you live together doesn't mean they own your time. They don't get to dictate when this time happens. You're subject to other people's timetables at work. You need to be able to set your own timetable at home. See if you can be firm about this, at a time when neither of you is arguing about it. You could even write it down, give yourself a cool-down period to edit it, and then give it to her to peruse while she's on her own. That way you'll know you're saying exactly what you mean to say, and won't get diverted by her reaction.

I think once you've got this home situation sorted, the other situations will seem more manageable.

 

Thanks for the support, everyone. I did some dealing-with-things at the weekend and I feel much better.

 

Me: Gonna surf Facebook now!

My Anxiety: Look at how all these people are more popular than you. You are clearly a worthless, boring pile of trash.

Me:
I fucking hate having Generalized Anxiety Disorder sometimes. What's worst is that I tried to chat with a friend who couldn't talk due to family issues and my anxiety told me I was being a selfish pig for not thinking about his needs despite me backing off when he said he didn't have time and told him to take care.

 

I don't know if it helps, but you come across to me as a guy with a great line in self-deprecating humour, who never turns it on others to make yourself look big. As somebody who is honest about your own situation and compassionate towards others, without ever being pushy. You're somebody whose offerings here on the forum I always take the time to read.

 

Thanks, Jannert. You strike me as a very compassionate, kind woman and I always enjoy reading your posts.

 

Soul mates! Eeeek....

 

Awwww

 

I'm always the one on the bottom, getting choked....

 

Choked with love!

 

I've seen it go wrong in too many horror novels. I get my thrills from exceeding recommended portion sizes on junk food.

 

I suggest crackers and cheese cubes!

 

Good choice!

Today I went with 1/3 of a jar of chilli pickle. I blame @big soft moose for that; his poppadum post in another thread gave me the craving. I think the recommended portion is about a teaspoonful...

 

And here we are again. I can't do this. I'm crying every five minutes or feeling like nothing and I have barely done anything in days. It takes everything for me to get of bed now and I don't know what do. I hate feeling like this all the time.

 

So, I've finally figured out why I don't ever open up to my mom about anything. Or even have basic conversations, really.

It's because whenever I do make an effort, she either shuts me out or tells me that I'm not good enough in some way.

"Hey, Mom, I just started watching season two of Lost--" "Alright dear whatever now have you done everything I've told you? No? God Skye why can you never do anything right, you still have this this and this to do and have you finished all your homework? No? Don't even talk to me until you've finished everything."

I mean, it almost seems like an exaggeration, but it's really not. Talking to my mom, even normal conversations, almost always turn into an argument of some sort. Talking about a TV show can turn into a screaming match about my grades (which aren't even really that bad, I'm making Bs and Cs).

I have ADHD, which makes life hard enough. And then there's the RSD (rejection-sensitive dysphoria), which makes it so that even the smallest comment can drive me to tears, if I'm in the right mood.

What's funnier, though, is that she's constantly complaining about how I never open up to her, and she always makes me feel like shit for not talking to her. For example:

"Oh, thanks for the art supplies, but I already have enough. Just, for next time." "Well, Skye, I would know that if you ever talked to me about anything. God, I feel like you only live here for the food sometimes."

I mean, it's not like I can move out. I'm still a minor. But I'm on the end of my rope here, and I don't know how to get her to stop. At this point, it just feels like emotional abuse, intentional or not. It's gotten to the point where I really do feel like I'm not good enough, and my grades are dropping even further, and it's just an endless cycle of stress, argue, procrastinate, worry, repeat.

Ugh.

 

It is emotional abuse; whether or not its intentional is in some ways inconsequential. Most likely you won't be able to get her to stop.

Your mother most likely has her own deep-rooted issues that manifest in this abusive behavior. You might well be dealing with a psychological mess in where she feels perhaps neglected because you don't open up, but when you do open up some other powerful fears or emotions stir up in her and she says things without realizing the damage she's doing because she's so caught up in her own mess. Berating you about your grades and asking if you are doing what she tells you also points at controlling behavior that could stem from personal insecurities. Being argumentative and screaming points further to some emotional luggage she's carrying around but she doesn't know how to deal with it or perhaps she's not even aware of it and it shows up as anger and frustration.

What is really unfortunate is that it is natural for you to feel like you feel because this is coming especially from your mother, it's happening in your formative years, and it's happening in what should be your safe zone. Your sensitivity of rejection may very well be due to your mother's behavior, and you will undoubtedly be emotionally hurt by this. I think being aware of these things reduces the damage because you are good enough. Not living up to your mother's unreasonable expectations is not a failure on your part, in any way whatsoever.

As for how to deal with it for now... consider getting someone from outside involved and talk to your mother. Not just once, but repeatedly. It's possible that your side of things needs to be communicated to her through a person of authority because that's part of her psychological dysfunction. View her as a nutter, really, and not as a reasonable person, at least for the time being as a means of surviving. Don't try to argue with her, it's probably like trying to argue with a child who will never ever admit that they're in the wrong (unless they can get you to admit you also did something equally wrong, preferably worse). Try to gain some confidence from the fact that you have tried to open up to her and she has completely and utterly betrayed your confidence and trust in her. If she brings it up, remind yourself that she did not respect you as a person when she uses your display of vulnerability to hurt you. You did your part.

I'm truly sorry that you can't have a healthy relationship with your mother and it's terrible that she's unable to form and sustain such a relationship with you. Try finding healthy relationships somewhere else to balance the crap you get from her. Just... try not get drawn in too easily; some people, if only on a subconscious level, can detect people who are in greater need of closeness and validation than others, and they will take advantage of it.

 

@Skye Walker, somebody recently posted this link: http://www.narzissmus.org/eigenschaften-narzisstischer-mutter/

 

I'm sorry to hear all that. I know emotional abuse quite well, having grown up with a father who acted in a similar way. I can't add a huge amount to the comprehensive post above me, but I fully concur on the advice not to argue with and confront her. From my own experience, it's not an argument that's going to go anywhere. There will be guilt trips, there will be rage, there will be tantrums.

The fact you're that young can go a couple of ways. On the negative side, it means you likely won't have much money and/or ability to move into your own place, but it also means anyone professional and outside the family will take you very seriously, and should do all they can to help you. Growing up with the false idea that you're not good enough can do some pretty serious damage, and her projecting onto you like this is going to hurt, because a mother should be a nurturing figure.

I guess the best advice I can give is to reiterate what's already been said. Getting some professional help is likely your best bet right now. It's very likely she needs to get something off her own chest, and if nothing else, having people around you that speak out against her words is certainly what you need. It may even be possible they can give you some space from her if it does come down to that. My sister got a great deal of help when she was 17 with the abuse she was suffering under my dad, and she's doing great these days.

Try your best to cultivate positive friendships as much as you can, and try to remember the negativity comes from her, and not within yourself. I know how hard it is to dispel negativity, especially from those who should only ever be encouraging you through life, but her words have no basis in fact, and hopefully us on here and any personal friends you have can convince you of that truth.

 

Bare with me...

I don't think of myself as someone suffering from mental health issues. Certainly not when I compare to patients for whom I have served as an interpreter in a mental health setting. That said, I have been experiencing mild bouts of low-grade anxiety, which from a rational, personal viewpoint are clearly situationally driven. Basic state of the world, basic state of my country, basic state of the island where I live, and the unfortunate side effect of working as a legal translator where the content of the things I translate tends to paint a constant negative image of humanity.

I've taken lately to watching this channel called Primitive Technology. He's got a Youtube channel and a blog. He shows different primitive survival skills of the more domestic variety, like how to build various types of shelters, make tools, etc. It's not Bear Grylls Adventure Survival™.

He never talks.

Ever.

Not - one - word.

There's something wonderfully soothing about that. No talking. Just the sounds of an Australian forrest behind him. I put his videos on loop before I fall asleep and it helps get me out of my head. He's not a cure for anything, but as part of a balanced diet of media intake, his silence is golden.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAL3JXZSzSm8AlZyD3nQdBA

 

I don't think what you said qualifies as medical advice.

 

Not to get all political here, but what if your anxiety is caused by something outside your mind that you can't control? Like a certain president promising that he'll make your life miserable with his executive orders?