Favorite quote from your main character

Unnamed MC, close third person, internal monologue:

I finally figured it out. "E" was for Emi. Had to be. She was another goddamn Amy.

 

I don't know if I'll be able to use this, but

Alec: "Come on! Louis Pasteur didn't discover penicillin by overthinking everything!"

Charlie: "... Was that an Animal House joke, or are you just re****ed?"

 

"When Albert Einstein invented penicillin-"

"Einstein?"

"Forget it, he's on a roll."

 

Hi,

From The Wolves of War.


“Keep that poisonous tongue in your mouth boy! The only thing I intend for Vel Moran is a miserable life followed by a painful death!” Elan snapped, making Briagh smile and Endorian chortle.

“Ah, so you do intend to be hand-fasted to him then!”


Cheers, Greg.

 

Disclaimer: Incredibly immature of me, but 6~ish years ago I wrote this episodic collection of excerpts & dialogues. It is so stupid, but I still actually like this ridiculous blurb. (I basically loved all the stupid, absurd things the MC Kali said & did—I have absolutely no defense).

Dial tone. The click of someone answering.

"Hey, Blackwood's kidnappers? Hi! This is Kali Radcliffe. I'm sorta kinda a friend of Blackwood's from school. I'm just calling to let you know that I—the time-traveling, zombified, vampyrical were-witch—have just defeated a horde of your evil minions and——Hold on a sec, will ya?"

A lot of energetic dissent from various voices are heard in the background.

"Wha-? Really? Do I have to? But guys, it's so much easier just to say my name. . . No, my title is not a mouthful! Oh, okay, whatever, FINE!

"Sorry 'bout that. Quick change up: So I, Kali, the time-traveling zombified vampyrical were-witch, Romero the sarcastic zombie, Falsey the gloomy vampyr aristocrat, and Lovecraft the mortal chick all just defeated a horde of your evil minions. Anyway~, your boys here said our friend could be located at the address listed under your number's contact information on this cell, so we were just wondering if Blackwood's still with you?"

Breathing silence on the other end. Then, in the distant background, the faint—playful—whimper like a puppy's, cut short by a heavy thud and followed by a groan.

This is taken as confirmation.

"Great, glad to hear it! We'll be there to pick Blackwood up around—what do you guys think? Like five-ish?—around five forty-five. We're a tad peckish right now, so we plan to grab some grub first. If Sal wants anything, just phone back."

 

(based on my real senior spring-break trip to Montreal with my friends)

"Wait; Jenny... the retarded girl?!"

"She's not retarded," McDaddy sighed. "She's got high-functioning autism."

Nick laughed. "Dude, she's with all the retards at school, though."

I looked up from my book. McDaddy gave Nick's phone back to him, who read the text message aloud on the train- luckily our group were the only ones in the car.

"I don't know, he's just always following me and looking at me. I think- I THINK-" We were all losing it at this point, and Nick struggled with the last three words. They squeaked out: "he wants me."

"OH NOOO..." Dalton exclaimed.

McDaddy, of course, sat there unamused. I sort of felt bad. He didn't want Jenny's attention. He just made the decision, or apparently mistake, to be nice to her unlike most people at the school. All in all though she was a disgusting creature, and not because of her disability.

"What should I say to her, Falbo? McDaddy doesn't eat vegetables?"

My eyes began to sting. I couldn't control myself. All of us doubled-over in our seats, and I heard somebody say - I think it was Jake - "I can't breathe", which made me laugh even harder. If my lungs hadn't cramped up, I would've laughed until I blacked out.

 

“I’m agnostic,” she explained. “I don’t believe anyone can prove what is or is not beyond this world. But that doesn’t mean I don’t hope there’s something.”

 

From one of my sci fi stories, 'First to Battle.' MC is Hera Noble, in command of an attack cruiser facing terrible odds, and having just told the crew her plan.
“This is our only chance,” said Hera. “We can sit here and watch them disappear, knowing what they’re going to do - or we can take a leap into the dark. We didn’t come here for any other purpose.”

The second MC is named Noah Alexander, and this is just after seeing the plans laid by the rebels of her own fleet coming to fruition.
It was Augustus’ words that mirrored her thoughts. “If there is no life here to save…”
“Then our mission is done,” she (Noah) replied decisively. “We will not take a part of the initial charge. I see no glory in this. If indeed we have failed, then we shall return to Gothen and advise the Praetor. We shall continue to follow his command, and if that is to charge against the Solar Republic, then so be it. Our only friends in the white will be gone beyond reach of our salvation. But (Admiral) Telmar,” she continued softly. “For him I will see a reckoning. By Republic guns or mine own, he shall not see the end of what he has begun.
“And I beg of you, Fates, let them be my guns!”

Another from Noah Alexander,
“AND there you have it,” said Noah cheerfully as the transmission played out. “We’ve been officially invited.”
“Getting in is the easy part,” countered Augustus. “What shall we do about getting out again?”
"Getting out? Augustus, are you trying once again to be positive? It doesn’t suit. But, if you must know, I will of course inform you first whenever that answer pops into my head...

Last one from Hera, after finally having enough of after-action 'interrogations.'
She gathered herself, and when she spoke her voice was grim and hard. “I faced down the guns of an enemy fleet just to save your ass, and had to watch as my people died because I led them into that fire. And they came with me, not because they had to, but because we needed to. They deserve more, and don’t think for a second that I’m going to let you waste anymore of my time, or theirs...”

 

This one's really long, but it's the official statement given by my main antagonist (an 18 year old female serial killer) at a press conference after she pleads guilty to the murder charges. It starts with the lawyer. The POV is from the MC, the biographer that interviewed her.

“Ms. Burke has a statement prepared,” he began. “But she would prefer to give it in quiet.” At that, everyone fell silent. It was scary how much power one girl held over so many people. And how much she enjoyed it.
“Actually, what I said was ‘I’m not talking till everyone shuts the fuck up’,” she began with a sweet smile. There were frowns on a lot of faces. I couldn’t tell who was the most upset by the epithet.
“I pled guilty because I did it,” she said simply. “I walked into that house and shot that lovely couple. And no, I don’t regret it.”
I couldn’t help it, I looked over at the protestors. They were staring in open-mouthed shock. They’d been screaming her innocence from the rooftops for the longest time. And apparently, one of them still wasn’t done.
“You don’t have to do this!” one girl called out. She was a heavier female wearing a brightly colored shirt with the peace sign on it. “You have supporters! You have friends!”
“I killed my friends!” Wendy yelled back, still smiling. “Get this through your heads, you fucking idiots. Women can kill too. And a ton of them have. Women can be just as fucked up as men!” Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw a few men nod slightly.
“I’ve killed nearly a dozen people and you losers never suspected a thing,” Wendy continued. “You’ve been bitching about how toxic the big bad system is. Like you people are any better.” She turned to the minority protestors.
“And you assholes.” She continued. “The fuck do you think I care about race? I only killed 2 Hispanics. I killed way more whites. I picked a house at random, geniuses. It could have been anyone. Stop making it a goddamn race thing. It’s a Wendy thing.” And then it was the reporters turn.
“And to all the journalists who have been trying to make a name out of me, fuck you,” she continued. “Fuck you and your ‘we just want to tell your side of the story’ bullshit. Everyone knows you wanted to use me for your own fucking careers.” Did she count me among them? A biographer wasn’t that far off from a journalist.
“I regret nothing,” she repeated. “If I get off with a slap on the wrist or they light my ass up, I don’t care. It was worth it. I have more power than anyone of you losers ever will. Love me, hate me, that’s still true. Statement over.”

 

Amy: "You got it, boss!"

Charlie: "Would you stop calling me that? We both know you don't mean it."

Amy: "You can't tell me what to do!"

Charlie: "..."

 

Tim: "You see, Miss Peters, I-"
Dot: "You can stop missing me, I'm right here, pet. My name is Dorothy."

 

Short and sweet here

Jack: why did you do it?
Holli: because I love you.

 

Oh, we’re definitely gonna be able to use that. "And what’s the oldest song you can think of that Amy likes?"

Jason’s eyes light up. "You mean like ‘Sweet Dreams’ from the 70s?"

Fucking Millennials. "No, I mean like ‘Yankee Doodle’ from the 1770s, dipshit!"

 

I'd take it out, honestly, but if I could see the passage in context, and a few others to get a feel for the book...

 

Not even main characters, just any quotes I find somewhat funny

In the order I find them after skimming through my draft:

Zarakharn: [drops inordinate amount of coins from his hand into Daktarash's bag]
Daktarash: How did you do that?
Zarakharn: [jokingly] Magic.
Zarakharn: [isn't joking]

Daktarash: Hey, Vid! How are you doing?
Vidzit: I am doing quite well. Kharda recently gifted me with a raise, so I have found it prudent to postpone my plans to poison him.

Daktarash: Kharda, how are you doing? Still alive and kicking, I see!
Kharda: [is bedriddenly obese] I'm afraid I'm not kicking at the moment. Vidzit, would you mind getting the circulation back into my legs?
Daktarash: One hundred and ninety-five [years old], how do you do it?
Kharda: I eat! A lot! Keeps me sustained.
Daktarash: [looking at the affects of this habit] That can't be healthy for you.
Kharda: Course it is! If not, why am I still here?

Daktarash: [after Zarakharn, interrogating him, violently smashes his head against the wall and breaks his horn] Great. Now I have to worry about regrowing both of them.

Zarakharn: [to dragon who just tried to steal from him] Mine, thank you. You know, stealing's illegal. The emperor could arrest you right now. [pulls out dagger with imperial insignia on it and stabs him with it]

Sartigar: [turns to no one in particular, implying fourth wall break] What? I have to do something to keep myself occupied.

And possibly the weirdest compliment in the book:
Narta: [is painting a sandwich] There. What do you think?
Dav: [impressed] Skarg, Narta, it's just a sandwich.
Narta: Did I try too hard?
Dav: Remember in Tide Crusade when Adar told Stak that there wasn't a question of trying in his situation, and that it was his choice to fail or succeed? You succeeded too hard.

Bonus, from a prequel I'm toying with:
Knizor: May the Ristlaron [meaning omnipotent writer] protect you.
Mudglubar: I don't believe in a Ristlaron.
Knizor: That is his gift to you.

 

Frankly, my dear...

 

What?

 

Ah, I get it now. Clever.

 

"What twattery is this you speak, like one who has installed comedy glasses on his lumbar and made a nose of his coccyx. That cleftal horizon twitches and out burps another inanity. Oh the indignity, the assault on my intellect. Why me? Why must I suffer such foolishness? Such soaring bumfoolery. Is your mouth puckering for a reason, are you preparing another discharge? Mary-Mother-Of-Jesus, you are, aren't you? La la la la la la la, I can't hear you. Your mouth is moving but I can't hear you."

 

My favourite line from my protagonist goes as follows, “I know Fred, how could an interchangeable and irrelevant billion in one decaying toast dispenser possible deserve to insult another?"

My protagonist, Q17, was originally a sentient robot intended for toast dispensing, this line is delivered after another character, Fred, mocks him for attempting to insult a human. I love how the line illustrates his self-awareness despite him being a glorified toast dispenser, so in a way he's both admitting to his inferiority to humans and undermining Fred, who happens to be a human.

 

From one book:

"Chronic." - Basically what she says whenever anything goes wrong - which is a lot.

"I knew that [the slide rule] had been replaced by the electronic calculator (with the key difference being that one can't write "boobies" on a slide rule)."

From my other book, which has two MCs and one who's almost as important.

From May, the Headmistress:
"Try not to scowl so much, Miss Fox - one day, you will stick like that."

From Elsie (Fox), one MC, the school bully:
"Cecilia's a nice name. I'd like to meet a Cecilia."
(For some context, they were talking about Sissy Jupe, a Dickens character from Hard Times, which Elsie was studying. The answer to her problems is the last character to enter the book, who becomes Elsie's friend: Cecilia.)

From Pip, the other MC, a six-year-old with high-functioning Asperger's Syndrome, May's niece and hated by Elsie:
"But don't you understand? That is simply how I feel about them! I can't choose how I feel, nor can I explain it!...Oh! But Patsy [her younger sister] asked me last night how I felt after Pen [her twin sister] shouted at me, and I didn't know! I didn't know how I felt about Pen before, and now I'm even more unsure!"
This little speech comes while she's arguing with her teacher over whether or not she loves her family. She has difficulty recognising the feeling of love, and therefore assumes that she does not love her family. I like it because it illustrates Pip's struggle to make other people understand how she sees the world, before the discovery of Asperger's.

And as a bonus, Pip meets a new girl for the first time.
"Turning to go, the girl spotted Pip and gave a theatrical gasp, putting both hands up to her mouth and widening her eyes. "Hello, kid! I'm Maria. Who are you?"

"I'm Pip," replied the owner of the name, looking at the new girl with apprehension.

"That's a funny name!" smiled Maria. "Pip, Pip!"

"That's not funny," Pip replied tonelessly, but Maria had remembered the gossip her sister had told her at breaktime.

"Oh, you're Pip!" The younger girl's eyebrows shot up. "Are you upset that your twin sister's mad at you?"

That was the question, thought Pip. Perhaps that was why she had been so stressed. It was a little strange not to have Pen speaking to her."I'm not sure. I think so."

"Not sure?" This wasn't something Maria had ever heard before.

"Yes. I do believe that that is what I said merely a moment ago." Pip noted with satisfaction that the usual blank slate was returning.

"How can you be not sure?"

Pip frowned. What was the state of mind that was ignorance, and how did it come about? She decided to ponder it later. "That is rather a silly question."

"You're a bit strange, aren't you?"

It was the other girls, Pip had always thought, who bore the characteristics of strangeness. But Maria... "You aren't very bright, are you?"

Maria blinked. No-one had ever said it so matter-of-factly. "You're definitely queer." With that, she scurried out of the room, eager to get back to what she perceived as normality."

 

"Don't apologise for not knowing something that was of no use to you before current events."
Dragomir to Lily

"Mistakes are like a volcanic eruption, sure, the heat and damage might be terrible when it happens, but when it cools down you get the most fertile soil for success."
Zelimir, Dragomir's father

 

OK, I'll give this a go. My adventurers has saved a large wagon train under attack by bandits. Part of the wagon train is a group of refugees fleeing from a civil war. So, my MC, her best friend and the druid is being escorted by the wagon master's daughter to get something to eat. Some of the refugees regonize the druid as a noble from the civil war and attack her, trampling the little girl in the process. Now, the MC(Assylyn) is holding a torch to a nearby wagon and confronting the mob:

“How much do you hate Neira?”

The woman stares nervously, her hands pulling at her apron.

“Miss.” The woman speaks slowly. “That’s my wagon. That’s everything I have in the world.”

“How much do you hate Neira!” Assylyn shrieks and everyone jumps. The question echoes around them.

The woman stutters. Assylyn thrusts the torch closer to the wagon.

“Tell me or I burn your wagon!”

Imoen cringes. She bets they hear Assylyn to Cordez.

Assylyn waves the torch at all the people.

“I’ll burn everything!”

The woman looks at the ground. She hears the crowd whisper and mumble around her. Her chest heaving, she looks up and her eyes lock onto Assylyn.

“I don’t know.” Her eyes moves to Neira. “But, I do hate you. I hate all you nobles. Marrying your sons and daughters to the elves while you treated us like animals! We were your people! You are people! Not fornting elves!”

She spits at Neira.

“I hate you all!”

There’s a roar of agreement and several people hurt profanities and spit at Isobel and Neira.

Assylyn marches on the crowd.

“I can tell you.”

She walks up to the woman. The woman holds her ground, but, just barely.

Then, she jumps when Assylyn twitches her nose.

Still looking at the woman, Assylyn crouches and holds out a hand towards Isle.

“You hate her enough to trample this little girl.”

Isle takes her hand and Assylyn pulls her to her feet. Isobel pulls the girl between her between and Neira.

There’s a soft step and the women holds her breath when Assylyn’s nose almost touches her own.

“But not enough to let your wagon burn.”