I gotta agree with Homer. I know you said that you and your husband have trouble living just with you two in the money area. Totally understandable and obviously don't have a clue about your home in general or Virginia's standard of living in whichever part of Virgina that is. But boy thinking about one my best friends and my wife living together is scary. I'm not married yet. So, please everybody take with what I say with a grain of salt. It seems pretty difficult, though. I think I'd rather like live a little more low standard instead having to deal with that kinda drama. @Lea`Brooks No judgment or offense to you at all! Totally don't understand the situation or you two or Virgina's cost of living or nothing or any of that. Everyone has their own way. I just don't think that's a very good roommate you got or set up.
So, without going into too much detail, we had a faculty meeting at the beginning of January in which they told us we'd be making greater use of some software the school has been working with for the last few years. Okay, it's not my favorite system, but I'll go along with that. At that time, the data for the 2017 school year wasn't yet up, so we couldn't get too heavy into class planning, but that was the beginning of the year break (school years run from April to December/January here), so I wasn't too worried. The first lesson is in something like ninety hours, and the data isn't yet available. I'm starting to get a little concerned.
Honestly, to me this is the deeper issue. The roommate is annoying as hell, but the fact that your husband seems unable to see your side of things is really, really worrying, long term. Is there any free relationship counselling available where you are? Maybe through a church or social program or something? Having someone work through all this for you could help take care of the symptom (annoying roommate) but hopefully also the disease (lack of support/respect/understanding from your husband). If there's no free relationship counselling, maybe some free personal counselling? You could get some in-person support, some strategies, etc. And maybe knowing that you were taking that step would help husband understand that he needs to take this seriously.
I think @BayView has the right idea. The roommate is a temporary annoyance, yes, but your husband's unwillingness to see your side of things and support you and not the guy causing you grief is just a powder keg ready to blow.
If your hubby knows full well how this makes you feel, all I can say he comes across such a a douchebag I'd be tempted to reconsider the marriage in your shoes. You deserve better. Has he forgotten what marriage/relationship means? You being forced to live in ménàge à trois must be really stressful and it sounds to me it's about time you do something drastic about it, show your hubby he and his fuckboy can't walk all over you. You've been incredibly patient so far, but maybe it's time to pull the plug, make your husband make the choice, it's either you or Mike, otherwise you're going to feel even more miserable and frustrated, or you'll develop a martyr complex that will just poison and embitter you (I've been there, it's awful). I know this sucks, but stay strong and stick to your guns. You - deserve - better. P.s. I wouldn't necessarily take his harsh a stand, but you've been talking about these problems for so long, I just fear you're going to get irrevocably scarred by the whole mess if it continues to persist. ETA: I don't meant to imply you are weak or something, by the way. I'm convinced you're a very strong person. It's hard to make these decisions when in love. I truly hope your husband will come around and, hopefully, kick his boyfriend to the curb.
Yes, yes, @Lea`Brooks ! To KaTrian, you listen to! You deserve better, and if you need to take a cold, firm stance to remind these two dick-swingin' men who the real boss is, then you've got to do it. I've seen what happens when people are afraid to say 'No, fuck this shit' and take a stand. They become a doormat and are miserable because of it. They convince themselves somehow that if they dare stand up for themselves, they're terrible. We do not want to see you suffer that. Tell Mike to go politely fuck himself up the nearest tree where he'll make his new home, and tell your hubby that he's got a choice: It's either swing along with Mikey-boy or grow a pair and learn to be a decent hubby and suppport you. If it has to come to that -- which I hope it doesn't -- know that you're not a horrible person for standing up for yourself and we have your back.
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the support. I do go to therapy, and I'm seeing her next week, so I plan to talk about this more with her and see what her suggestions are. The biggest problem right now is that my husband and I can barely talk about this issue because Mike is always home. And I wouldn't feel right talking about Mike while he's in the house. It's a small place, and I'm certain he'd hear it. So I haven't been able to 100% vocalize everything, except for that small conversation we had at dinner last night. We lived with Mike before, when I first moved here, and it was more disastrous then than it is now. The difference that time, though, was that me and Mike weren't getting along. He was rude to me and called me names. The only reason we were able to get away from him was because Mike made the decision to move out. I get where my husband is coming from. Mike is like his brother. They both have shitty families so they became each other's family to make up for it. But even brothers don't live together forever. Bernie can still support him if he lives somewhere else. But he can't be his parent forever. Eventually Mike is going to have to learn to take care of himself and my husband is doing him no favors by babying him. We do plan on moving to another state within the next year or so, so I'll be away from Mike once and for all. But if we weren't planning to move? It scares me that I may have had to live with Mike for the rest of my life. Ugh. I'm just gunna try not to think about it for a couple days. Let my husband marinate over our conversation last night and talk about it again when he isn't so upset. Thanks again everybody.
TBH it sounds like your husband isnt going to get the message until you make him choose between you ... if that happens and he chooses lazy ass then you are better off without the pair of them (harsh but true)
Is that romantic feelings as in "hearts and flowers and xyz person is the love of my life" or 'romantic feelings' as in I really want to fuck that guy/girl/person of indeterminate gender ... if its the former you may need counselling, if its the latter thats normal - we all have those feelings regularly
Wait, this is round two? I don't know you very well, and I've not been keeping my full attention on this, but after a disastrous round one, a spouse who is granted a round two needs to make sure that things function flawlessly, especially since it's the same best friend. I'm sorry, but I think you have every right to be much more explosively angry than you're telling us you have been.
You are being rather coarse, @Moose, underselling the male sex, I think so. Think back to when you yourself were twenty years old. You had a crush on somebody - did you think 'I want to fuck that' ?
@Lea`Brooks Honestly, if you're keeping track of the finances in the situation, I would say write up a simple ledger to show your husband that this guy is not helping the income but leeching off of you both. And it's not just financially either, by being a slob, he's taking time in the form of you trying to keep your affairs in order and cleaning up his messes, which only leaves you more stressed. Homer's right, once he married you, your happiness should be first. Hell, I live with my bf and he gets that much. I would seriously tell your husband that you're at your wit's end and if he can't go you will. Sometimes you have to vote with your feet.
Fantasizing about nieces half one's age... pointing Romeos to the nuthouse... Is there not one decent man on WF????
neither?? I've never subscribed to the idea of having a love for life anyway, but it would be nice to think that way. No, my feelings are more like 'I want to spend an inordinate amount of time getting know this guy and deeply understand the things they like'. It's weird and I know it is and I don't like it. It isn't fun, because I know one day it all be in vain anyway. It probably already is.
@Oscar Leigh said, on a different thread, that marriage was "a sex contract", or something to that effect, and you've fallen into the idea of believing that there's a "love for life". Dude, that shit sounds wonderful. But once you get away from the Harlequin Romance (or equivalent) section, it's all about finding somebody who pisses you off less often (or severely) than they amuse you, and who (in a traditional* relationship) agrees that, on those occasions that they're in the mood, you'll be the one they'll spend their happy nerve-ending cluster time with. Doesn't mean they'll be the one you can talk to about everything, and sexual exclusivity does not mean guaranteed access to whichever of their bits does it for your bits, it just means that you've agreed, in the event of your partner being unavailable/uninterested, to take matters into your own hands rather than outsourcing. Ayn Rand said (through John Galt) that she wanted to kill Robin Hood. Michael Moore said he wanted to kill Horatio Alger. I want to kill everyone who ever wrote "And they lived happily ever after." And that's all I've got to say about that. *Traditional as in an exclusive relationship between two people. I don't care if Tab A fits into Slot B, or Slot C, or if the tabs are absent, or the slots are unused, or whatever. If you've got an arrangement that allows for more sets of tabs and slots and that works for all of you, congrats, but it's a little beyond what I have the energy (or experience) to discuss here.
As a softie I just wanted to say that too often, emm, writers project 30/40/50 yr old behaviour and thinking on to 20 year old men characters. Naturally, I was a gunslinger at 20, of course, but mainly target practice, and spent hours agonising over feelings, things like that, I know, I should have been more physical and to the point, or dumb like Moose. Now, I regret it immensely, that night at Jesters springs to mind, and she was so pretty and I talked to her for hours till dawn. I remember how she yawned into her palm.
Marriage is a kinda contract, at least in a binary one. Can't really say for the other two options. In a binary one, it is about a male providing resources in exchange for the potential to procreate with the female. At least that is the theory of one guy I have listened to on the subject. Though these days it is an expensive excuse to for a woman to still gather resources from the man and/or the state. Pretty much an infatuation that only lasts as long as one of the parties screws up or gets bored. The one that Romance would like you to think is a bit idealistic in two ways. The first being that hot millionaire men fall into your lap and instalove because vacuous nonsense sounds nice. The second is that there is an unbreakable bond between the two on an emotional level. Making it OTT is that they are both the Mary-Sue equivalent for their roles in the story, making it look like a parody of what real people are actually like. The reality is that we are not like penguins, but have a need for multiple partners to ensure the passing of genetic. There are instances where people manage to stick it out till the end but they are not as common. So enjoy the time with this one you are with, until it is time to move on to the next one. Good luck and maybe you will have your forever-n-ever. And happy endings do exist if you're a gold digger.
That is correct. It's based on the fact that a male can mate with a potentially infinite number of females get an infinite amount offspring, while a female can only get one offspring at a time (unless it's twins, etc., of course). Then apply some restrictions when it comes to bringing up the offspring, making sure it survives, etc. We're not? But... but...
Penguins mate for life and are entire monogamous, iswhat he's getting at ... we are more like Bonobo Chips who will have sex with virtually anything if it seems like a good idea... male bonobos have even been recordeded practicing necrophillia and 'mating' with holes in trees
... and cinderella and prince charming lived happily for a couple of years until they were unable to have a male heir, thereafter they lived increasing unhappily for several more years during which 'charming's visits to the whorehouse in town became more frequent, until he eventually sued for divorce citing grounds that "I'm the king, goddamit and I'll do what I like" When the church disagreed he had Cinderella executed and burnt down all the monasteries.... then Charming settled down with a succession of girls half or a quarter his age, until eventually his subjects grew tired of him, and cut his head off to form a republic. Then the land fell into chaos and civil war.. don't have nightmares, kids...
Humans have a strong attraction to mating bonds though. Our reproductive strategy is to look after our young in mating groups, which are normally long time pairs.
This is true - but biologically speaking monogamy is not part of the group survival dynamic for primates. Generally speaking you either see polygamy or polyandry depending on the state of resources and stress