1. Gen

    Gen New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2017
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0

    Emotional Abuse

    Discussion in 'Research' started by Gen, Mar 25, 2017.

    For a story idea I am going to be taking the perspective of an emotional abuser. Obviously there are a lot of "warning signs of abuse" websites on the internet, but I need deeper information such as:
    • How they think
    • How they do things
    • Affects the abuse has on people
    • Common traits of an emotional abuser
    • Not-so-common or relatively unknown traits
    • Basically anything that can help give a better understanding
    Any information I can get will help me towards making this as realistic and true to how an emotionally abusive relationship works. Thank you in advance!
     
  2. BayView

    BayView Huh. Interesting. Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2014
    Messages:
    10,462
    Likes Received:
    11,689
    I think it'll be important to make it clear that the abuser doesn't think of herself as an abuser. She considers her actions justified, or at the very least excusable.

    No one's the bad guy in her own story...
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2017
    Simpson17866 and Gen like this.
  3. Stormsong07

    Stormsong07 Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2017
    Messages:
    1,079
    Likes Received:
    1,724
    Location:
    Texas
    They will think that they are always right. Anytime something goes wrong in their life, it is never because of something they did, but something someone else did. They will have a very difficult time owning up to their own mistakes. Even in simple things. (Example: Family returns from vacation. Husband was in charge of checking the hotel room for any left-behind items. Get home and discover that kid left something behind. Husband turns to wife and says, "I thought I told you to check and make sure everything was out of the hotel room!!" Wife says, "No, you checked it". Husband: "Don't tell me what I did or didn't do, you stupid bitch, how would you know what I did when I'm the one who DID IT.")
    They lash out at those close to them, even if someone else pissed them off. They take it out on their victim.
    Very passive aggressive. Make snarky comments about the victim. (ie, in a husband-wife scenario where the husband is the emotional abuser, they might make a comment to one of the kids, "Yeah, well, you would have a clean shirt if your mom ever got off her lazy ass to do laundry." )

    Also what BayView says. They justify everything. "Well, I wouldn't have to yell at her if she would just _______"
     
    Simpson17866 and Gen like this.
  4. izzybot

    izzybot (unspecified) Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2015
    Messages:
    2,419
    Likes Received:
    3,884
    Location:
    SC, USA
    It's pretty broad question, abusers usually have fairly distinct 'steps' that they go through. They start off a relationship very supportive and loving, and will always return periodically to these 'honeymoon' phases to keep their target bonded to them. They make themself seem indispensable through a combination of that and slowly isolating the victim from their other friends with more subtle comments like "I don't think your mom likes me, maybe I/we should give her some space" or "I don't trust [friend], I think he's secretly interested in you / trying to steal you" or "It's you and me against the world" sentiments, and - usually later on - more overtly: "I don't want you spending time with [friend]. It's him or me" type stuff. It's imperative that the victim feels isolated and like they have no one else left to turn to. This makes the abuser the most important thing in their life, so they'll feel like they have no choice but the stay with them no matter what they do.

    After and in between the honeymoon phases, they'll paint themselves as the victims to excuse their shitty actions. Abusers will often talk about their string of awful, irrational exes, making the actual victim pity them and shy away from behaving in ways that the exes were informed to do, even when they're perfectly reasonable responses in the context of dealing with someone like the abuser. Eg, abuser complains about the ex who always called them incessantly when they were apart - well, that makes sense if the ex had reason to believe they were being cheated on or everyone else had been removed from their life, but now the current victim is paranoid of being needy or smothering. (In my personal experience, it was "everyone always leaves me, every time you tell me we need have a serious talk I feel like you're going to leave me"; I felt guilty about bringing up any issues and was conditioned to just accept that my options were to accept everything she did or leave her, not 'challenge' her by trying to work things out.)

    Nothing is ever the abuser's fault or responsibility - they always make it seem like external forces or the victim forced them into whatever actions they take, sometimes presenting ridiculous alternate scenarios to make themselves seem logical for picking the one they did. "I had to make a scene at dinner - what was I supposed to do, just let [your friend] walk all over me and disrespect me?" (or you could've just laughed it off when someone made a tiny joke at your expense ... but then you wouldn't've been in control of the situation). When they ignore the victim's boundaries, it's allegedly because the victim didn't make them clear enough or sent them 'mixed signals', and they're very good at pointing out instances where the victim might have been unclear or uncertain, and using them as examples.

    Gaslighting is when they convince the victim that they actually want - or even did - something they don't want / didn't do. Sometimes it's outright lying, and they'll insist the victim just doesn't remember things; more often it's recontextualization. Eg, a situation where the abuser acted shitty towards one of the victims' loved ones, which they repackage as 'protecting' the victim from said friend, who they claim was actually the one being shitty. After enough repetition - and after having learned to prioritize the abuser over everyone else, including themself - the victim comes to believe the abuser's story. Even when it's recontextualizing their own actions and thoughts: "I guess I did know that pointing out her faults would hurt her (even if it was because I was trying to address how they were hurting me). Maybe I was just being mean". This leads to incredible self-doubt and undermined self-worth, which makes it even easier for the abuser to be in control.

    Their primary needs are control and to feel important. Almost everything they do is going to come back to one of those. That said, they aren't all scheming villains or anything like that - they're just defined by expressing these needs in supremely harmful ways. Many, many abusers follow the same pattern, but it's not because they studied it - it's just a very maladaptive way of navigating relationships. As other said, they don't see themselves as the bad guys. They think that everything they're doing really is perfectly reasonable, and it's everyone else who's stupid and wrong.

    I haven't been able to read it but I know that Why Does He Do That? is considered a very comprehensive book about abuse, admittedly through the lens of it being primary/exclusively something men do (judging by the title and the excerpts I've read), which I'm not a fan of - but it would probably still be helpful keeping that bias in mind.
     
  5. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2010
    Messages:
    15,262
    Likes Received:
    13,084
    There's a whole lot of It Depends. A malignant narcissist mother abusing her younger daughter, is likely to be wildly different from a functioning alcoholic father abusing the oldest son, and wildly different from a controlling man abusing his newly pregnant wife. And countless other permutations. Can you provide any more detail?

    For narcissistic mothers, I'd point you to the site Harpy's Child. (https://sites.google.com/site/harpyschild/) For abusive men in adult relationships, I'd point you to Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That. Actually, he has a number of books.

    Google for:
    • The Cycle of Abuse diagram.
    • The Drama Triangle.
    • The phrase DARVO.
    Returning to suggest reading The Gift of Fear.
     
    Gen, jannert, Simpson17866 and 2 others like this.
  6. jannert

    jannert Retired Mod Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2013
    Messages:
    17,674
    Likes Received:
    19,889
    Location:
    Scotland
    I just read that link to harpy's child. :eek: Holy. Shit.
     
    ChickenFreak likes this.
  7. Pinkymcfiddle

    Pinkymcfiddle Banned

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2017
    Messages:
    815
    Likes Received:
    454
    I don't mean to bring tedious angst into the thread, but I had a rather abusive mother... had... she is still alive but the relationship dynamics have changed considerably. Most of it was passive aggressive, some physical.

    What @BayView said is absolutely true, she had/ has no concept that she was at fault (maybe at 4am when she can't sleep), she was also a legendary martyr (without the death). She was depressed, had low self-esteem, had been abandoned repeatedly in her youth. She faked illness for sympathy.

    I even put some of it into a rather unpleasant character a few years ago and gave her the following soliloquy (excuse the bad writing, it is a few years ago): -

    Adrianna’s face dropped; the jowls lost all rigidity and her painted lips twisted in distaste, “every bit of self-loathing I have are for those parts of me that remind me of her. I could never marry because I feared I would treat my husband the way I saw her treat my father. I could never bear children because I feared I would treat them as she treated me. And in the end all I could do was try to spin those unpleasant characteristics into something positive, and even at that I have failed. Her lasting inheritance was to bestow me with too many negative attributes to ever engender true loyalty or to ever wield power with fairness.” Adrianna Grey clawed at the concave roll of flesh at her chin. “She was fat as well, she even gave me that; and now it is putting us both in danger. You should be glad, Thally, that the only mother you ever had is the one you chose.”
     
    Gen and jannert like this.
  8. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2010
    Messages:
    15,262
    Likes Received:
    13,084
    Another thought: If this is parent/child abuse, research the scapegoat/golden child dynamic.

    An abusive parent often chooses one child to favor as the golden child, always praising them and never holding them responsible for anything, and another child to treat as the scapegoat, never praising them for anything and always ensuring that they have less than the golden child. (For example, if the scapegoat should win some award or opportunity, they won't be allowed to take advantage of it, because it's not "fair" that the golden child didn't get the same thing. At the same time, the golden child is showered with opportunities and possessions that the scapegoat is deprived of.)

    Both children are seriously harmed. Often the scapegoat goes on to do better in life, because the form of abuse that they experienced drove them to work and work to achieve, and the parent doesn't have the power to make the whole world withhold rewards for that achievement. The golden child, on the other hand, has never been required or often even allowed to work for anything. The now-adult child who is on and off drugs and has to be repeatedly rescued from bankruptcy is quite likely to be the golden child.
     
    izzybot and Gen like this.
  9. Pinkymcfiddle

    Pinkymcfiddle Banned

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2017
    Messages:
    815
    Likes Received:
    454
    clap, clap. No sarcasm, I truly like that.
     
  10. Cave Troll

    Cave Troll It's Coffee O'clock everywhere. Contributor

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2015
    Messages:
    17,922
    Likes Received:
    27,173
    Location:
    Where cushions are comfy, and straps hold firm.
    As a childhood PTSD sufferer. I could not tell you how such monsters operate.
    Though I have a fair amount of theories.
     
    Gen likes this.
  11. Gen

    Gen New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2017
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    I am focusing on a romantic relationship between two people, probably when they're halfway through college. I want the abuser to be relatively controlling and possessive, but I also want them to seem small, cutesy, and weak. Thank you for the information you have given me!
     
  12. Gen

    Gen New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2017
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    What are these theories of yours?
     
  13. Alex Brandt

    Alex Brandt Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2017
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    33
    Location:
    Denver, CO
    I work in the Criminal Justice system and have dealt with a LOT of domestic violence felons. There's some weird psychology behind it, but to "nutshell" it for you: have you ever seen little kids try to tell their parents what to do? Or when a little kid will NOT admit that it's wrong. It's exactly that.
    There's a this prideful thing in an abuser's brain that does not allow them to be wrong, and they're definition of what the relationship is going to be is THE WAY it is going to be. When reality strikes, and that's not how it works, they resort to physical violence or to using emotional black mail.
    Hope that helps.
     
    Gen likes this.
  14. Lew

    Lew Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2015
    Messages:
    1,667
    Likes Received:
    1,527
    One of my minor characters in my book is physically and verbally abusive to his concubine, who is (becomes) my FMC. This is set 2000 years ago, he is Chinese, she is Chinese but of Roman descent, so I am constrained from imposing modern values and attitudes on anyone. She was given to him as concubine when she was twelve, taken from home to be a translator for a mission (Ten years before the setting of the story). There is an element of racism, she has barbarian blood in his eyes, needs to be taught proper behavior. Also she is a child, she needs to be raised properly. When she is in contact with Romans, he is constantly fearful she is/has been unfaithful. And there comes a point where she briefly establishes herself as his helpmate, and their relationship warms, though that doesn't last. That period is, however, special and new to both.

    In the Chinese court, his behavior with his other concubines and his wife (none of whom we ever meet) is a bit of a scandal, 'inharmonious', so apparently she is not the only object of his ire.

    But I try not to paint him as evil personified... he is very competent and helpful to the Romans, they could not get where they are going without him, though they never become friends... he doesn't speak Latin well enough to go beyond the basics, the FMC's black eye does not go over well with them, as they have come to like and respect her. Bear in mind, slavery was also part of both cultures, so they accept, if not approve, of a certain excess.

    How she gets out of this? Read "The Eagle and the Dragon", advertised here and find out. Shameless plug! Free Kindle downloads until April 2.
     
  15. EdFromNY

    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2010
    Messages:
    5,101
    Likes Received:
    3,203
    Location:
    Queens, NY
    An abuser as "small, cutesy and weak"? Sounds like someone abusing through manipulation.
     
  16. tropicanahana

    tropicanahana Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2008
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    24
    I used to be in an emotionally abusive relationship in my early college years. I apologize in advance that K will be writing a small novel!! Just want to touch on some of the personality aspects, whether they are commonly seen in abusers or not, I don't know, but it may be very likely.

    This link posted about the harpy's child, actually greatly represent a lot of my ex. These characteristics must be common in narcissistic people.

    My thought everything that was mine was his because we were dating, and took my blankets, pillows, toolkit, iPad, basically anything I had that was useful and better than what he had. If we were going to do something, it was always on his terms, my say never mattered.

    He was a deliberately annoying and exasperating person to everyone - with such a quirk like always choosing opposite of what anyone else wants. Example: he asks what you want to watch and then yells "NOPE FAMILY GUYS ON", he does that to everyone, and everyday. Same with food, restsaurants, grocery stores... he shopped at bi-lo only because I shopped at publix and if I say I can go to bi-lo then he tells me to go to public... he knew I disliked country and only played it when I was with him. He comes over to my family's house and walks in and turns to his favorite tv channel even if people are watching tv. BasicLly, no matter what you want it doesn't matter, he's always getting his way. Zero respect or care for anyone. I used to find it funny at first, used to joke to my family "this is the j show and we are all just supporting roles" before I saw it as an issue of control and maybe a personality disorder.

    He believed it was normal for couples to have each others email and Facebook passwords. Even he had friends who backed him up and said "what are you hiding if you don't want him going through your sites?" So I shared mine and put up with a fight over every single private message I got from a male, whether I responded to them or not. He used to respond to all the messages of guys complimenting my looks with "I have a boyfriend you can't talk to me like that" and even starting fights with old guy friends because they used to have feelings for me or they found me attractive. That was the start of red flags.

    Bring up his friends again, a few of them were equally horrible people. They described women as sluts. Also, they were hobbyist catfishers. They only targeted the mentally weaker - litterally a kid with asbergers for example, with a fake Facebook profile of a pretty blonde girl and that kid thought she was his girlfriend and wouldn't believe people when they told him it was a made up profile. I didn't know catfishing was a thing until I saw the MTV show, and well, if you have seen it... you know those people who make up fake profiles have flat out mental issues, and are in their own right, human abusers.

    Early on, I tried to break up with him but he reminded me that I was new to the state and I had no friends, all my friends were from him and I wouldn't be a loner again.

    There was my weakness - every abuse victim has a weakness to be exploited. Mine was that I was a "new girl", and I was shy, I had self-professed social anxiety and a weary self-confidence. It's not like these people are looking for someone who's life they can run, idk maybe... I was a weak target.

    I loved the social life that came with my ex at first and def did not have the skills or confidence to face being alone, yet at the end of our 3 year foray I was lonelier than ever, and he too was no long the social butterfly but a controlling, curmudgeon for who hated going to parties. he said I made him anti-social because I always embaress him.

    Later on he blackmailed me by threatening to expose an email I had written to my ex-ex who I still loved along with my nudes.

    Other times, when I tried to break up with him and we were in the car, he would drive us out to the far countryside then he would tell me to get out of the car if I didnt want to be with him, once he did that at night.that area had no reception, and I didn't even know where it was. I always agreed to stay with him because I was scared.

    I thought only women who came from abusive parents or broken homes ended up being in an isolated and abusive relationship.

    While my parents provided a healthy example of a loving marriage and family, his I wasn't so sure about. He had 5 brothers, even with such a big family, they hardly ever talked during dinner. Their parents seemed fine... but his father was always working and not an upbeat person. His mom was very accommodating and bending over backwards to give her family everything they wished for. If they wanted sodas or takeout, she'd go for them. She'd make several different plates of one thing because one doesn't like tomatoes, one doesn't like onions, etc... it's as if she had to make seven different dinners every night. sometimes a dish wasn't seasoned enough, and they all had the audacity to tell their mom to reseason it. My ex would yell at his mom about things. He didn't like to talk to his parents. He found it exasperating that they'd try to ask him about his healthcare or grades. He told me he never had the sex talk from his parents, and so he learned about sex, dating, and bodies from his peers and porn. I figured it had a lot to do with his view towards sexuality. His favorite act of sex was to force himself on me when I was in a deep sleep, as I have narcolepsy, so he liked to see how far he could go before I snapped out of a practically dead sleep and always thought it was so funny I didn't have enough energy to fight him off.

    Abusers are into control and my ex showed his first control freak flags early on by his body building techniques. Once a month, he would fast from food and water for a week so he could make weight. It's basically annorexia light. I couldn't figure out why he just wouldn't eat healthy to always be a good weight. But no, he liked to binge on junk food after his annorexic fasting. I thought his fast times were the worst. He was in a starved state of mind and would start a fight about everything, the most trivial things. I remember putting my hand on his thigh and he flipped out about my greasy hands ruining his pants. Also he never drank alcohol so he could always be 100% in charge of himself...

    Another thing about pants, he was label conscious. He liked to judge others for their choice of clothing and labels, and loved to show off his. I once took him to a thrift store, which he thought would be gross, but we found Giorgio Armani pants and linen shirt. When he was wearing them, I was innocently bragging about the finds to our friends. I didn't realized the weight of embaressemet he associated with second hand!! He told me now everyone will think he is a cheapskate dirtbag and I am always trying to make him look bad. It wasn't just a confrontation or anything, but a huge fight. He even threw away the outfit after that and vowed to never thrift again. He also would never be caught dead in public without being properly dressed. Even if it was just to get takeout of go to Walmart, he needed his outfit picked out and ironed and his mom did all of his clothes. He used to convince me to take ironing lessons from his mom, as well as help her clean the house. Loved to bring up that his ex girlfriend always helped clean the house and clean his bedroom (which, despite his obsessive neat appearance, was a hot #%^ mess.... no sheets on the mattress, a hole in the wall from where he once punched through it, body building and bikini posters... sharpie marker writings all over, a 70s shag carpet that had obviously not been vacuumed since his ex from 4 years prior).

    He always had to be the center of attention during any event, and if I didn't pay enough attention, or if I looked at someone, or if I got hit on in front of him, it would lead to a screaming fight and him telling me this is why we can't go to parties because I just can't behave like a decent person, I avoid him, I act single, etc etc. we eventually stopped going out as he told his friends it was I who didnt like going out.

    Thankfully, I lived with my parents, so one night after a huge blow up that led to screaming, breaking items and our first physical altercation (I scratched his back and ripped his shirt off before he elbowed me in the face), they intervened and kicked my ex out and got me help. God knows, if they weren't there, maybe pysical abuse would have become regular.

    One of the affects on me was obvious- my sadness, anger, and anger-management. Prior, I would have classified myself as a free-spirited happy go lucky person, who is very chill and pretty emotionally stable. My only other ever breakdown was with my ex-ex during the breakup. In this relationship, I was screaming crying at least once a week by year 2. It changed my face bc I watched the wrinkles between the brows come from always being angry!! I usually had puffy eyes from crying and my friends in class could tell something was wrong. My emotion management got really poor, I mean I would kick things, i would throw books against the wall, and I would start crying for no reason. I spend all my free time daydreaming of the past, when things were better, which is what led me to reach out to my ex-ex on a non-known email. (Which was later hacked by the ex).

    Of course there's no one personality or background to an abusive boyfriend, but hope I helped you get some ideas based off the one I knew.

    I told him he was abusive a few times and he always laughed at me and responded with "You think I am abusive! I never hit you! You are such a drama queen, you will never find a nicer and more loyal guy than me".

    Also, for a subtly abuive relationship, your male charcahter should call your female character 100X an hour, bonus if he knows/learns how to hack (my ex had a whole book on hacking social media accounts), and don't forget the romantic apologies that come after the huge unsuccessful break up fights where he also promises to start to curb his temper and not let the little things bother him...
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2017
    Gen likes this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice