Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

When I do it, it's more of a "get a grip, bucko" kind of thing. Yeah, whatever it is that's happening to me sucks, but there are people out there (like the Syrians) who would love to have my problem being the only problem they have to worry about.

 

I think it's good to remind oneself every now and then that things could be worse. If my social anxiety flares up, I tend to think "at least I'm not asked to step in front of a firing squad". I also think,"hey, we all die some day, so it doesn't matter if I say a dumb thing. We will all be wormwood. Shut up brain, stop crippling me." But what works for me, might not work for someone else.

 

Unfortunately for me, I haven't often been able to apply that level of thinking. I'm fully aware that there are millions, perhaps even billions, much worse off than me, and my problems are trivial at best in comparison. I can feel sympathy and wouldn't wish the situations of those less fortunate on anyone, but I can't seem to use that to take any comfort against my own issues.

The fact I've been on and off my meds like never before has probably thrown my head into further disarray, but the last week and a half has been one of the worst in recent memory. Anxiety hitting me like a train whenever I leave the flat, memories of the past intruding on most waking thoughts, frustration and despair regarding the group of friends I'm undoubtedly spending too much time with. The slightest thing can put me on edge right now, and the longer this mood persists just points to another explosive episode sneaking up on me.

There are few people I can talk to about the way I'm feeling right now. Most get quite nervous when I start baring my soul, and there are those that just come out with a "snap out of it and have another drink". The worrying thing is that apart from the social pressure to meet up with a group of friends I'm becoming disillusioned with right now, I really have no obligations or responsibilities. It makes me despair that I won't ever be able to find any kind of work due to my brain being an absolute bastard. I have life pretty good right now, and I'm still collapsing.

 

So out of the blue, my brain reminded me that I was going to die.

Yes. Die. I would one day pass on.

I'm not sure where it came from, nor do I know if it has any meaning, but it happened. My brain just decided to remind me that I was going to die. That it was inevitable. I would lose consciousness and...that'd be it.

I would die.

 

My brain reminds me of this about three times a day.

I think the reminders are inevitable - it's the ability to push them away that's valuable.

 

I'm about to do something I've been putting off for weeks because it's going to make my anxiety skyrocket.

Wish me luck...

 

Good luck. And give yourself a big treat afterwards, if you can.

 

Good luck and deep breaths. And chocolate.

 

Actually, it wasn't as bad as I thought and I feel much more in control now I've tackled it.

 

That's my girl.

 

"If you're going to screw up, screw up with CONFIDENCE"
- Abraham Lincoln
(Well maybe not)

 

I could really just use a hug and some cheerleading lately. ._. Life looks so dismal right now.

 

Aw Cmon you could put them on your antlers.

 

It's mercury retrograde. Fucks everything up. lol

 

I feel like an absolute pile of shit this morning. Worse than that, even. I don't even know why I'm posting this because I'm sure everyone here will agree with my douche-baggery. But I gotta let it out somewhere.

Warning: Awful human being about to be revealed.

Spoiler: Don't click this

There's a guy I met a long time ago, in high school. Coming up on fifteen years now, I guess. He hated me at first. I was dating his best friend, and I guess he found me annoying. But somewhere along the line, we became friends. And after a year and a half with his best friend (getting cheated on four times, mind you), our relationship became more than friends.

We went on a date. Just one. It was the first real date I ever had, and it was awful. He picked me up from my house and took me to Red Lobster... but only because he had a coupon. We went downtown for a block party afterwards, and he told me I was going to have a take a cab home so he could drink. We didn't talk much after that. But our attraction never went away. Or, at least.. mine didn't. I saw him again in college. He'd changed a lot. Grown up. Still very cute. We've stayed friends all this time. And he... Well, he changed me.

I've grown a lot the last few years, and while I of course attribute some of it to my husband, I also have to attribute some of it to Ryan. He opened my eyes to so many things. He helped me see the world. Helped me see myself. He made me want to be a better person... To be more like him. I became more involved in politics because of him. I became more aware of injustice because of him. I've started learning sign language because of him. And so many other things.. He just... inspires me.

I've always had an attraction for Ryan. But we never really had a chance to be. Life changes took us to separate places. He moved away for a few years. By the time he came back, I was already gone, living in Virginia. I always thought that if my husband and I were to get divorced, Ryan and I would become something. Something I know we've both always wanted.

Last night, I had a dream about him. It was a simple dream. We were out somewhere, just hanging out. Me, him, and a female friend. Ryan was telling this girl about our past. How we never really tried. Or... How I never really tried. I started to cry. He took my face in his hands, and he kissed me. I woke up feeling his lips on mine, and...

I wanted it to be real. I started daydreaming about the day I'd see him again. How I'd reach out when I move back to Illinois, spend time with him again... Kiss him... Sleep with him?

How the fuck can I call myself faithful when I'm daydreaming about other men? What would my husband think if he found out that I secretly wish our relationship fails so that I can finally have a chance with the guy that's changed me so much? He'd be heartbroken. I'm heartbroken. I don't want to think this way. But, god, I can't help it... Sometimes I think getting married was a mistake. That I didn't fully think it through..

God, I'm fucking awful. I don't deserve to be happy.

 

Exactly, @Lea`Brooks . Dreams are just your brain's way of screwing with you. You know how many times my dreams filled my head with bizarre things that I then wake up feeing horrified/guilt-ridden about? Way too many to count. If dreams are reality, then I'm guilty of every single crime humanity has a law for.

That guy was a cutie, yes. But having a hot dream about him doesn't mean you secretly don't love your hubby.

 

Exactly! Once, in high school, I dreamt I was having sex with a blind girl from my class. We got into all kinds of weird sex positions.

But dreams are dreams. Not reality.

 

@Lea`Brooks This is totally normal! Another forum I'm on, with a mostly female and mostly 30+ demographic, had a thread on this very recently, and pretty much every woman who replied had had a crush (many including sex dreams) during their marriages. This so far removed from infidelity that I don't think you should feel any guilt.

 

I'm just... I'm having some trouble. I found some stuff out the other day about my husband. Stuff he did behind my back. And now I'm feeling insecure and lonely.. And isolated.

My husband doesn't see me anymore. He has a routine. A routine that rarely includes me. I tell him what I need, and he offers to do those things... But it doesn't feel genuine. It feels like he's doing them because I want them, not because he wants them.. I know I should appreciate that. That he's willing to put in the effort to make me happy, and yet... Am I really going to spend the rest of my life telling him what to do to make me happy? Shouldn't he just know by now? Learn these things?

I tell him I don't feel loved. He tells me he just bought me a Switch. I tell him "things" don't make me feel loved. He tells me he cuddled with me last week.

Last week....

He promises to spend time with me that night. Then he plays his video game until midnight, until I'm exhausted and ready to just go to sleep.

I ask for his help when he has a chance. He says he's ready... then is constantly leaving to check on the status of his game, because he's in line and waiting for it to queue up.... He only had time for me until something more "important" came up...

I'm worried about what will happen back in Illinois. Because I have cheated. And I know the potential to do it again is there. If I had the option, I probably would've done it by now. But I don't. Because I don't know anyone here. But back home? Back home, I have options. Unlimited options. I could easily cheat. Easily find someone to spend time with that isn't my husband. Because I'm awful and selfish, and when I don't feel loved, I seek it out. I find someone who loves me, and I fill that void. That's how me and my husband got together after all, isn't it? I didn't feel loved by Jeremy, so I reached out to Bernie. And we've been together ever since. That's how I got with Jeremy, isn't it? I didn't feel loved by Jeremiah, so I reached out to Jeremy. We were together for four years. That's how I got with Jeremiah, isn't it? I was rejected by Nathan and reached out to the first guy who gave me attention.

It's a cycle. A never-ending stupid fucking cycle. I'm selfish and needy and will do anything to get what I want. Even if that means hurting people. Which is all I really do, right? Hurt people.

I need to stop talking. It's just a phase. Just a moment. It'll pass. All I'm doing now is embarrassing myself.