Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

COUNSELLING!!!

If you're serious about the relationship and you know there are significant aspects of it that aren't working, COUNSELLING. Both of you, together.

Personally? I'd have walked out after the roommate bullshit, but that's because I'M not serious about the relationship. If you've put up with that much, you're clearly more committed than I am (which makes sense, since I've never even met your husband... I feel like I may have lost my way somewhere in this paragraph...)

The point is, you have serious concerns about how things are going. Either take steps to get them fixed, or take steps to get out. Staying there without taking any steps is just a recipe for misery.

 

My husband cheated on me. Maybe. Kind of... It depends on your definition of the word. But it's cheating to me. I found out three days ago. He doesn't know I know yet. But obviously, this is how I cope. I break down. I sit around all day, smoking and stuck in my head. I had therapy today too and she was little help. She gave me a place to cry. But she gave me no advice. I have to deal with this on my own, which I will in approximately an hour. I don't even want to talk about it with him. I just want to tell him I know and that I never want it to happen again or I'm gone. I'm too tired to talk about it. I'm just so tired.

Today's been awesome.

 

Oh Jesus...

I've no words here. My thinking is that if you bring it up to him, he'll want to discuss it with you. If now's not a good time for you to discuss it, wait until you think you're ready. That's my advice as of right now.

But again, so sorry this happened. :[

 

Well, that went awful... "Why do you keep looking for shit to get on me about?" he asked. "Why do you keep giving me shit to get on you about?" I replied.

I'm really scared right now. This is the first time the word "divorce" has crossed my mind.

 

Oh fuck.

OK, um...

'K, let's rewind a bit and find out what happened. You found out he cheated. You confront him, and he accuses you of apparently looking for new ways to shit on him verbally. This, to me, is a big no-no. This was his first mistake. He should be trying to figure out why you aren't happy. He should be listening to you, but he ain't.

It seems to me you've had this conversation with him multiple times. Just how thick headed is he?

Whatever happens, this was on him. Totally on him. He's the one walking on mighty thin ice, not you. But hopefully he'll come around and see what's going on. You could talk to him about how you want him to spend more time listening to you and not playing on his Switch. Tell him how you want this to work, but he's gotta give a little too.

 

I really hope things get better for you. Life keeps shitting on you, over and over, and it's awful. If I were Christian, I'd say I'll pray for you. Since I'm not, I'll settle for hope that things will work out. I've been following this thread, and your story for a while, and it's sort of heartbreaking.

I can't give you advice. I have no experience. Just know that a few states below you, an empathetic young writer is hoping that things work out for you. I think I'm speaking for the community when I say that we're here for you. [hugs]

 

It's not fair, I think, that life keeps finding new ways to fuck over you, @Lea`Brooks . It really needs to properly move on and screw someone else.

As @Skye Walker put it, I'm also hoping that things work out for you. <hugs>

 

Thanks guys. That really helps knowing I have support somewhere.

Yeah, we've had this discussion before. Almost this exact same thing happened in the first few months of our relationship. Finding out about all the stuff he was doing online (yes, it's online cheating, not physical cheating) is what drove me to therapy in the first place. So he knows how I feel about it. And he did it again.

I knew he would blame me. He always does. Any time I try to have a conversation with him about something going wrong, he blames me. Turns it around somehow. He's a dirty fighter. He knows this. He's trying to work on it. But sometimes he reverts back.

I want him to go to therapy. Well, I want US to go to therapy. But I know he won't do that. So I'm hoping I can convince just him to go. I'll go with the first session, just to lay the groundwork. Then he goes by himself after that. Because I can't keep going through this. He keeps breaking my trust over and over, and I don't know how much more I can take.

 

You shouldn't have to go through this over and over again. It's not right.

Now, this is something I understand. I have to deal with it every other day. This is sort of just... how my relationship with my mom is. When it involves something going wrong, it's always "Well if you didn't do this, then none of this mess would've happened". Like your husband, she's working on it.

One of the things that helped our relationship take a turn for the better is therapy. She goes to therapy, I go to therapy, we all go to therapy. And slowly, things have been getting better. I think that's something you need to convince your husband to do. All that's happening right now is the slow destruction of your relationship with him. That's bringing you down, and it's bringing you down hard.

You need to make sure he knows how you feel. You said that he knows, but I think that he needs a little reminder. Tell him just like you told us right here. That you can't keep going when he keeps breaking your trust, over and over. Tell him that you don't know your breaking point, and you don't want to know your breaking point. If necessary, use this moment to convince him to go. Something like, "You've broken my trust like this twice now. I can't take it a third time. [name], I've had to go to therapy for this, I think it's time for you to go too. We don't have to go together, I just need some faith that you're going to make an effort to get better at this."

Make sure to address him by name, too, if you can. I've found that using a person's name makes the conversation seem more intimate, or personal, or serious. It's one of those little things that can help him realize that you are serious about this.

I really hope I helped. Things will get better one way or another, I promise. Rough patches are a part of life. Feel free to rant, that's what we're here for. [hugs]

 

Christ. I don't know whether he's just the stupidest man alive or what...

You're right, he can't keep putting you through this again, and again, and again. You're made of strong stuff, y'know that? Were I in your shoes, the hubby would probably be dead right now after this latest stunt he just pulled.

@Skye Walker says it best. Sorry for not being much help here, my brain is half gone from exhaustion. Hope this goes well for the both of you -- and I hope hubby grows a brain and figure things out soon.

 

From your posts, all I can say is this guy sounds like a real piece of work. I have nothing to really suggest or anything, but I will say that it has always boggled my mind that a lot of people, other men especially, are so adept at ignoring their partner and not showing that they actually care.

Of course, some of that is due to how most guys are raised. It's not an excuse, but an explanation. Being of the gender myself, I know that feelings and emotions are not allowed to be shown in most circles. It's a cycle that is perpetrated by the father and repeated by one's peers, and the societal pressure to not show affection is very strong. Not all men are like this, but the ones that aren't are considered "weak" and called all sorts of things behind their back. It goes to the point that being self-centered becomes second nature, and even I myself have been guilty at times, despite a strong desire to not be this way. Some people might deny what I'm saying here, but honestly it's ingrained, force fed behavior, and can't be recognized. You can bounce between twenty different men and only find one that isn't quite as brainwashed, ask my fiance and she'll wholeheartedly agree, mostly by experience...

 

It is scary but... I can't tell you how happy I was when I finally stopped fighting it and left my husband.

Oh my god, that first night when I stretched out in my king-size and knew I'd never have to share it with him again? I lay there and laughed at the ceiling like a madwomen because I was that happy.

I'm enjoying it so much that, a year on, I have zero desire to have another relationship. Being single is 1,000,000x better than being in an unfulfilling marriage.

I'm not saying you should leave--I have no idea what's right for you and your relationship--but don't let fear stop you.

 

He ended up apologizing last night. For both the semi cheating thing and the way he acted. I told him I expected him to be mad at me, and he said he wasn't. He didn't really elaborate though. Just said he was embarrassed and promised it wouldn't happen again.

I'm not sure I believe him. How can I when I feel like he's constantly toeing the line between appropriate and inappropriate behavior? It's like he does just enough to warrant me to be angry but not enough for me to call it cheating. Except this time. Actively asking women online to send him naked pictures is cheating to me, and he knows it. I'm feeling much better today, but.. I'm looking at him differently now. I can't quite explain what I'm feeling, but it's almost like unfamiliarity. Like I'm not sure I really know him.

I love my husband. In some ways, we're so perfect for each other. He's normally very gentle with me when I'm upset and he is careful with my anxiety and insecurities. But in other ways, I can't imagine doing this for the rest of my life. Constantly on the computer. Constantly having to repeat myself. Struggling to get him to do anything nice for me. Struggling to get him to leave the house. Do I want to keep putting in the effort and hope it pays off? I'm not sure at this point. Because what if it doesn't? Then I'd have just wasted years trying to fix an unfixable marriage.

My therapist thinks he definitely needs therapy. Mostly for what she calls an internet addiction, but also because of our roommate. She wonders why he's so reluctant to live with just the two of us. Maybe a commitment issue or something. I don't really know.

To top it all off, I'm worried I might be pregnant. I've been feeling so off this last week. Like I've been fighting off a virus but it comes and goes. I wake up every morning with a headache, nausea, and slight disorientation that fades in a few hours. Then I'll get the sudden urge to puke later in the day. And I think I'm late. My cycles have never been normal, so it's hard to say for sure, but I keep cramping like I'm about to start and nothing comes. I took a test yesterday but it was negative. I'm going to take another tomorrow. If I haven't started by Monday, I'm going to make a doctor's appointment. Because either way, something isn't right.

That'd just be the shit, wouldn't it? An unplanned pregnancy with a man who doesn't even want kids?

2017 is just the worst year ever.

 

@Lea`Brooks - Have you considered getting off the treadmill for a short break? Maybe take a week's holiday somewhere quiet, all by yourself? I don't necessarily mean a cabin in the wilderness, I just mean go somewhere on your own, so you don't have to worry about pleasing somebody else. Just give yourself some space, and maybe things will become clearer. Sounds like you could do with a rest, actually. Maybe in a motel in a town you've always wanted to visit. Nothing fancy. Just pamper yourself with peace and quiet.

I'm a tad concerned that you're starting to look at your life as if it's one guy or the other guy, and that you have to make some kind of a choice between them. It's not like that. Don't depend on a guy to make you happy. And don't allow anybody to make you miserable. I suspect a little time away to clear your head might be incredibly beneficial.

........just saw your post regarding the possible pregnancy. Well, the first thing to do is find out if you are. Then work from there.

 

Actually, I have been wanting a break. Me and my husband have been talking about going somewhere nearby for the last two weeks. Somewhere quiet where I don't hear cars driving by every five seconds and can actually see the stars. But he can only go in the first week of the month, which doesn't work for my schedule. Maybe I will just go alone. I think it'd be really good for me.

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm trying to choose between my husband and Ryan. I think Ryan is just a symptom of a bigger problem. I'm feeling lonely and unloved, so thinking about other guys is how I cope, I guess. Envisioning a better future for myself. I definitely wouldn't jump right into a relationship if I did decide to leave. I'd need a few months to myself, I think.

 

Yes. I think the break alone would do you good. Maybe more good that the two of you going together. Think about where you'd like to go.

 

Ever had those moments when you're trying to share your memories of a surrounding area to the people you're with, get blown off and now you feel passive-aggressive? And have the urge to say, "Now why would I possibly have any interest in that?" if they try to do the same?

That's me right now. And I need help in battering down the urge to be a vindictive, passive-aggressive person to my peers right now. D: Urgent!!!!

 

...Well, I probably can't help, because I have no filter when it comes to that. I'm sort of blunt and sarcastic. All the time. >_>

Well, I have a good thing to bring to the Mental Health Thread! My mom finally agreed to get me ADHD meds, and they're working! They sorta... make my filter go away more, and I'm a little more rude and sarcastic, but that'll hopefully pass.

 

Well, yeah. Nobody likes to feel like they've been blown off, do they? Do you think they blew you off deliberately (which means they probably aren't worth trying to change) or that they simply got carried away with their own stuff? If the latter, you might like to say something. But these things happen in the course of ordinary conversation. Just a private 'grrr' is probably enough. Of course if they never listen to what you have to say, that's another issue.

 

Well, today marks day seven of all day nausea. I was starting to think it was stress related, but when I took my temperature this morning, I saw it was slightly elevated, which I'm pretty sure stress can't do. Another negative test this morning.

In the meantime, my mood continues to decline. I'm feeling guilty and scared at the thought of leaving my husband but trapped and hopeless at the thought of staying. I mentioned maybe taking a couple days for myself to my husband, and it hurt his feelings. Now I'm wanting to go home instead. Take a few days to be with my mom, my friend, in the comfort of my home town. But I want to go alone. And I don't know how to explain that to my husband without letting him know how much I'm struggling.

I should've never gotten married. I knew this would happen. It always does. I just wake up one day with the urge to flee and no desire to make things work. I don't know why. But it's eating me up in the worst way. Suicidal thoughts are coming back, and this time the thought of leaving my husband alone isn't having the same effect it used to. It isn't stopping the thoughts.

I have therapy again in two weeks, but I'm thinking about making it sooner. I feel like I'm shattering and losing more pieces every day. I'm just a tainted, broken thing.

 

If you possibly can, I'd recommend, yes, increase the frequency of your therapy while you're dealing with this--not just one accelerated appointment, but a more frequent schedule for a while. You need support right now.

 

I'm not sure why you don't want to let your husband know how much you're struggling. That's part of your responsibility to the relationship, I think - I'm judging him pretty harshly for not being more supportive of you, but if you're hiding your issues from him, then how the hell can he be more supportive? I mean, maybe you'll tell him and he won't step up, and that would suck, but I think you at least have to give him the chance to be a good husband, don't you?

So take a few days with your mom, tell him you'll be travelling alone, and tell him why. If you cared about him enough to marry him, then care about him enough to give him a chance to make things better.

And, of course, I have stepped right past the "not for giving advice" limit and gotten damn close to the "giving orders" limit.

But at least talk to your therapist about all this? And if the suicidal thoughts continue, then get yourself to an emergency room. And tell your husband, or at least your mom or someone else who can help you out.

 

I think you're okay here, @BayView, and I'll go on record as saying I'm in complete agreement with you as to a possible next step. The thread is supposed to be not for giving medical advice, or debating. Which I don't think you're doing.

I think most of us who are responding are trying to be supportive, and I think @Lea`Brooks realises this. I think what we're doing is suggesting options and giving perspectives. Everybody needs an outside perspective now and again, don't they? Especially when someone is having suicidal thoughts. It's not enough to just stand aside going 'oh you poor dear,' for fear of crossing some line.

If folks who use this thread think we're stepping out of line, I'm sure they'll let us know.