I have this picture in my head of what I want my novel to look like when it's a finished product. I want it to be beautiful. I want it to be impactful and thoughtful and thought-provoking. I want it to be published (is that such a big ask?) and I want it to change lives ... hell, even just one person's life would be enough to make it worth it. I want my characters to be richly layered and thoughtfully presented. I want my dialogue to be powerful and intentional. I want my settings to be authentic and my historical contexts to be relevant and accurate and I want my prose to be simple, elegant and breathtaking. But I'm afraid that I will never come close to doing justice to the image in my mind. How do you keep writing when you become painfully aware of how inept you feel to execute such an important work of art? Or do you not struggle with this feeling? I can already hear your responses in my head: "Let go of your fears and just write." "You can't dictate what your book will be." "We all want this for our books. The reality is that nobody's first novel will be this amazing. So just let it go, write the shit, and your beautiful work can come later." "If you overthink everything you'll just trip yourself up." So please don't say those things, because I already know them, and they only send the message that I'm not supposed to be feeling what I'm feeling. I want to know if there is actually room in a writer's heart to hold these dreams and fears side by side and allow them to co-exist in a way that inspires self-awareness, growth, courage and creativity. I'm so afraid of not being able to write what is in my heart. My characters are all there, ready to go, ready to wow the world with their minds and hearts and fears and goals and secrets ... but I almost wish they had introduced themselves to a different writer. I don't know how to do them justice.
This probably doesn't help, but I've had shit published and I'm still pretty certain I'm a failure when it comes to writing. I don't know if it can really be 'overcome' but it can definitely be ... managed? And the only ways I know to manage it are 1) keep writing, but 2) take breaks to stave off stress, and 3) keep reading. I think when you have super lofty dreams and hopes (I do too!) you also have to realize that they're not necessarily realistic. It seems to go hand-in-hand with perfectionism and I think a lot of the same platitudes apply. Better done than perfect. Dwelling is poison. Just keep working. I mean, they are platitudes and I hate'em, but ... Here's what I think about: my first published short story? I didn't think it was very good. I'd lost faith in it because I'd shopped it around already and it didn't get accepted anywhere, so I thought, "Well, it's not perfect, so it's not good enough". But as it turned out, it was good enough. Still not perfect! But good enough, and I'd decided that it was crap. And I think you have to make yourself create a gray area in your head and accept that most of what you make is going to be in the gray, and that's fine. Not everything is going to be revolutionary, but it can still be good. It can make people happy. I recently re-read my favorite book, and y'know what? It's not great. And I know that my favorite movie is cheesy as hell. But I love them, and they had positive influences on my life, and I've learned to not only be satisfied with that, but realize that it's not settling to just make something that people can enjoy, that'll make them happy or scared or warm their hearts or make them feel like they're not alone. It doesn't have to be a mind-blowing, amazing piece of art. Good enough is still good.
Faith and Fear are two sides of the same coin. Both are when someone believes something enough, even though there is little evidence of what they believe, that they act on that belief. Even if you decided "I am going to write my novel!" its not going to happen. Why? Novels are not written in one day. Even if you decided, "I am not going to write my novel!" that too is not going to happen because that choice only applies today also. Choices have to be made every day. That is where discipline comes into play. The U.S Marines have a saying "Enthusiasm is for amateurs, discipline is for professionals" You have your vision. Decide daily to follow it. Trust me, you can do it. You can make it happen. The world might show you different and people might tell you other wise, but, you can make that choice: "Today I will write!" and you will write today. Godspeed!
Embrace stupidity. That's how I deal with it. I run for the most challenging stuff to write I can find, because as long as I feel inept, stupid and clueless, I KNOW I'm not up to the task. And when I convince myself of that, without doubt, I can loose the hope of excellence—which would otherwise cripple me. But... "A master is someone who has made more mistakes than you, has made mistakes you haven't made yet, and has learned how to embrace them - thus learning to see them coming before they happen. So you go towards mastery one mistake at a time. How many mistakes can you stand? As many as it takes to be a master. The master has persevered past the errors until he's made all of them." - William Cumpiano, master luthier ... the quandary to that is: The more mistakes I make and correct, the better I get. Or at least that's the theory
[enthusiastic nodding] Personally, as long as I'm thinking "I'm going to write something fantastic," I know I'm just setting myself up for failure by setting an unrealistically high bar. If I can just go "Pssh, I'm gonna write something fuckin' dumb, it's gonna be fun" - now that's something I know I can handle.
You could just quit... I mean, if writing doesn't make you happy and you don't think you're going to achieve your goals with it, why bother?
I hope you meant that ironically. As I understood the TS, she takes joy from her creativity and wants to share her stories with others. The only thing which stands in the way is the f** urge to be perfect.
Nope, not ironically. I didn't tell her to quit, I just asked her why she's bothering. If her answer is that she takes joy from her creativity, then... she should just focus on taking that joy and worry less about the rest of it. But that's not her answer, it's yours. I'm still waiting to hear hers. I think whenever we're struggling with something we should think about quitting. And then if we decide not to quit, we should remember that decision and the reasons we made it.
Exactly. @ChaseTheSun, do not worry about what others are doing or what they think. Worry about what happens next in your story. As Emperor Marcus Aurelius once said, "Do what nature demands. Get a move on -- if you have it in you -- and don't worry whether anyone will give you credit for it. And don't go expecting Plato's Republic: be satisfied with even the smallest progress and treat the outcome of it all as unimportant." And yes, this was a real Roman Emperor who reigned from 161-180 AD. He wrote this in his private journals because even he had fears of looking stupid. The frickin' Emperor of Rome, my friend. And here he was telling himself to quit worrying and that no one expected him to be Plato.
Fair enough, but maybe you should have unpacked that a little more in the first answer. Your post came over as a list of negative statements, encouraging negativity in turn. If I want to evaluate why I do something, it doesn't do to focus only on the negatives. I have to remain objective, which means including positives (if there are ones). I'll shut up now and let the thread get to back to what it should be.
Here's my answer. It's going to sound like I'm being snarky and dismissive, but I swear I'm not. Bear with me... Eventually, at some point, life is going to back-hand pimp-slap you, hard across the face. It's going to happen. And you will survive it. You will. You won't think you will in the moment of horror as it looks like life is going to be fuqed up from hereon out until the end, but you will. That's a threshold moment. It's a recalibration of all the many different lenses through which we all view different things. When it happens and you realize that you have survived and that you have to keep on keeping on because you are indeed alive and that the rent is due as well as the car payment, then you will know that it's all just work and application. I was talking with @Iain Aschendale just yesterday about how I struggle with setting in my stories, that I feel like my characters are in full color, but my setting is often a white box. He was asking what it was about a particular film that I liked, and it was most definitely the setting. It takes place in California, and the director had captured a California that I remember so well from my time living there. The film fills me with nostalgia for not just that place, but for the youthful me who lived there. His capturing of the setting struck a chord in me, a chord I feel like I don't know how to finger very well on the fretboard yet as a writer. But I keep trying and working at it. The fact that the chord still doesn't play very well for me doesn't fill me with fear, it just informs me that I have work to do, and I can treat it like work, not as an insurmountable demon, because I have most certainly felt that pimp-slap of which I spoke, and it put things into perspective.
I am the master of fail. You just have to plugging away, and work hard. It sucks in the beginning, then you realize that if it is something you enjoy then you keep improving it.
I hear you. I used to think that way too (and still do to a certain extent), but I'd take it down a notch or three if I were you and focus on creating a finished, cogent story. There's too much work and time involved to focus on the lofty goals. You'll drive yourself batshit if you set out to reinvent the wheel. They're just stories. Concentrate on that for now. Writing a story is an attainable goal. Changing lives? Eh, maybe, but that's wayyyyy down the road. Crawl. Walk. Run. And you probably won't. Very few writers do. And that's okay. Accept it. If I get 75% of the idea from my head to the page I'm ecstatic. You won't last long in the writing game without an honest assessment of your capabilities. Unless you want to play tortured artist. I tried that too. It didn't work. I settled for competent writer and am much more productive and secure. Having a healthy dose of cynicism doesn't hurt either. Realize that the "important work of art" isn't that important. There's that old saying that "Art is something that doesn't exist and nobody needs." In short, nobody cares about any of it until there's something to care about. You're setting yourself up for failure by thinking that there's a pedestal in the Louvre reserved for your artwork. And this. Get it out of the way (in a creative sense) if you haven't already. Once the agents/editors/critics bitch-slap you into next week you'll come back with a better perspective. Or you won't come back and will at least know that it wasn't for you to begin with.
This may just make the issue worse: I recently read The Getaway Car by Ann Patchett (an essay, available for Kindle) and she makes it depressingly clear that, yes, translating your story from the glorious thing in your mind to words on the page will destroy that glorious thing. Not might--will. Quote: "Only a few of us are going to be willing to break our own hearts by trading in the living beauty of imagination for the stark disappointment of words." (If you happen to read this on Kindle, this is around location 104.) But Ann Patchett writes anyway.
Just taking a practical shot at this problem. Obviously you have to write the story, however imperfect. Don't beat yourself up about its lack of perfection. Just finish it. When it's 'done' (as a first or second draft) put it away. For a good long while. Write something else or do something else. Keep thinking about it from time to time, but don't look at it. Then, after you've forgotten the actual writing process, pick it up again. You might find a) that you like it a lot more than you did when you finished writing it. Or b) you will see ways to make it better. Or maybe both. In the meantime, you might want to read a few 'how-to-write' books. (Pick ones that concentrate on the writing itself, not the selling.) These will get your brain in gear for how to sort writing problems, and should spark your creativity even more. You might think of a few things you 'should' have done with your story, or become aware of a few things you should not have done. What's excellent about reading how-to books AFTER you've actually written a novel is that they will show you how to improve it. If you read too many of them before you write, you can become intimidated and overly worried—and your writing suffers from the fear factor. However, if you read them afterwards, the experience is likely to be a lot more positive. Yes, you made mistakes, but now you know how to correct them. Then go back and start editing. I think you'll be a lot more positive by that time. It's one of those things I learned about cooking (and that's a great hobby of mine.) Nothing tastes particularly good just after I've finished cooking it. If it's the kind of dish that can be held over (curries, stews, baked goods, casseroles, soups) it ALWAYS tastes better the next day. I'm coming to it with a fresh palate, and my expectations are more realistic. I think writing is like that for some folks. It certainly is for me. I also think, as a writer, that it helps to be absolutely honest with your first draft. Don't worry about fussy sentence structure or other mechanics. Just do your best to get your emotional content out there, any way you can. Don't hold back and don't try to be artistic. Get the guts of the piece onto your computer or your sheets of paper. Go overboard, if you want to. If your emotional ideas lead you to strange places, go there, and don't worry about the effect. Emotional content is, I believe, the hardest thing to 'add in' later on. And without it, you will never be satisfied with your work, if you have strong dreams about what your writing will accomplish. So concentrate on that first. Of course you can edit back later on, tone it down if it need to be cooled off. But if the emotional content isn't there to begin with, you're always going to feel as if something is missing. Which it will be. I do like the adage: Write without fear, edit without mercy.
Thanks everybody for the nice balance of encouragement and reality checks. I'm sorry if my original post seemed crassly self-indulgent. It's been an interesting week. I let it get the better of me. Maybe I haven't given myself enough breaks. I've been immersed in this novel 10-12 hours a day every day for the last week. That could explain why I ended up spinning out last night. Thanks for the tip. Any pointers on how to find good authors to read? The more I write, the less I read because I struggle to shrug off writer mode and just lose myself in the story. True, of course. I think about my favourite writers, the ones I revere as producing beautiful literary fiction, and as soon as my first draft starts looking like it isn't going to have those subtleties, nuances, etc, I lose heart. Seriously need to give myself a break. I like this sentiment. My Mum has always made a big deal about my writing being 'flawless' and 'beautiful' and while on one hand that was great for building my self-confidence as a young writer, now as an adult and striving to actually get published, it's just become an echo in my mind reminding me that that is what I have to achieve, all the time: the awed response, the "wow, I can't believe you wrote this" reactions. The constant stream of admiration has now become my stumbling block because it seems like there is just so much room for failure (ie I have so much expectation to hold up!). Which of course I know is totally self-imposed. And I need to grow comfortable with Cumpiano's message if I have any hope of success at all. Thank you for sharing. So true!! Haha. Thanks. It does make me happy. Not gonna quit. It would take nothing short of a concrete cell on a deserted island to stop me from writing. I do, I really do take joy from my creativity! I've always been a writer, I always will be. I just need to overcome the fear of not accomplishing anything as beautiful as the images in my mind. This isn't the first time I've wished I were a painter. Part of my extremely non-visual-artist brain thinks surely it would be so much easier to just paint the ideas I have. Naturally that totally detracts from all the hard work that goes into painting or any other visual art, and if I were a drawing artist, I'm sure I'd face much the same blockages of inspiration or confidence as we writers do! I understand your point. I'm glad you elaborated on your thoughts with a second post, because when I was in the middle of my fog of disheartened frustration, your first comment sort of stole whatever wind I had left in my sails. I've never thought about quitting my writing. I've been creating stories since I could dictate to Mum and have her write my first picture book at age 4. It's part of who I am. Haha I love that! Thank you. Thanks for your insight, Wreybies. Encouragement is nice but the reality checks are a valid way of bringing me back into perspective too. I appreciate your wise words! I have to ask you a question, Cave Troll ... I've been dying to ask you for months, now. Why do you hit the return key so frequently when you're writing comments, to produce a poem-esque response? It's an interesting and very unique distinguishing feature of your presence here on WF! That aside, thank you for sharing your thoughts and encouragement. Eep. I hope I didn't give the impression I think my writing deserves to be up on a pedestal somewhere. Whether or not it is EVER acknowledged by more than my tightest circle of family and friends is totally up to fate and I'm not phased either way. What I meant to express was that, just for my own standards of accomplishment, I want to write something that is worthy of being considered a great work of art; regardless of whether or not it is ever even read! Hmmm... by what cosmic law? I don't like it. I don't have a Kindle, but I appreciate you sharing this anyway! Most days I'm totally okay with that reality. I think hormones, lack of sleep, lack of adequate breaks from the writing and general mood just threw me in a bit of a pit last night. Thanks for your encouragement and suggestions, Jannert. You seem to always be a steady light in all the squalls across this forum. I appreciate you stopping by my little moan-fest! I do need to remember to just let my draft be as bad as it needs to be, and then go back and edit with fresh eyes. Again, to everybody, thank you. I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish by posting my wailings here last night, but you guys pulled through and gave me something I don't think I could have possibly expected! I feel a bit bashful that I let down my guard and emotion-vomited everywhere, but then if you guys aren't going to understand where I'm coming from, nobody will. So thanks for being there for me.
@ChaseTheSun the are big spots on my laptop screen that are clusters of dead pixels. And the longer postings I have move the words around them, in a full window. That and it is a bit faster to read when your eyes don't have to travel so far between lines.
Nope - I just want to entertain people. I don't know how I would cope if I had your kind of goals, because it's a big ask! Actually, I think it's impossible. Can words ever, ever, perfectly represent an image we have in our head? I don't think so. Even if we described its look to the minutest detail, we simply don't have the language to express the impressions and mood and emotions it gives us. Not to mention that the exact same image would create a different set of intangible impressions, mood, and emotions in the person next to us. By having that goal you are guaranteeing yourself failure. I really think the only answer is to adjust your goals and mindset. Focus on this: Who cares if you don't perfectly convey the images in your mind? You're conveying something, touching people, making them feel things. Spinning emotions out of thin air. That's pretty damn impressive, isn't it? With my goal, success is easy. The first time I received an email from a reader telling me my story made them laugh/cry/gasp, I'd achieved my goal. I'm a success. That makes it so much easier to pursue my second goal: being traditionally published. It's not easy, because the waiting and lack of control drives me mental, but it's not failure. I know that my books entertain and that people can fall in love with them. How can I be upset when one editor doesn't fall in love with them? I can't, because I know other people out there are in love. It's just a case of waiting until the right manuscript hits the right inbox at the right time. I have no doubts that I will succeed in my second goal. The only question is when. And that knowledge makes rejection a whole lot easier
Consider Hegel's Dialectic: Abstract, negative and concrete. Abstract is story you have in your head. Negative is the is the process of writing it. Concrete is the story you have on paper. The story you have on paper will always be different than the story you have in your head. Heck, the 5th draft of that story will be different from the first draft. After you write your story, you will be a little different. Embrace the change in things. Different can be very good. Godspeed!
Yeah well—speaking only for myself, I find it liberating. I am allowed to make mistakes, in fact every mistake I make (and that I am aware of), makes me that little bit better. So each mistake is a good thing! Instead of the big, monumental error which I got told each mistake is. I grant this requires a bit of mental adjustment, but I promise it's worth it. I'm happy as long as I can catch myself making mistakes
Yep. I see it as a sort of "just add water" thing. I have ideas. I write down words related to those ideas--the dehydrated, powdery version of the ideas. Someone rehydrates those words by reading them and their brain forms a set of ideas. Those ideas will inevitably be different from the ones I had, in countless ways.
Going from thought to prose would result in huge changes. Basically simplify the movement, explain the strategy and motivation more, and no longer focus so much on the looks of everything.
Are you ever pleasantly surprised by the way it rehydrates? I've had readers who took away a completely different meaning/subtext/impression/whatever than I intended, and I actually liked their interpretation more than mine. Obviously that sometimes means I need to reword what I said, if I need them to get the 'right 'impression for plot reasons... but most of the time it doesn't matter that their water was a different flavour to mine, and it's gratifying to see. I remember one reader who sent me celebrity photos of the people she imagined my characters as. Not a single one of them looked like the images I had in my mind but I was so god damn pleased at her excitement, and the fact that she was picturing my creations at all.
