Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

Well, to jump on the "My husband's an a-hole" train....we just decided last week to get a divorce. Mind you, this is the 4th time in our 7-year marriage that we've decided this. But I'm determined to see it through this time. He has PTSD and anger management issues, and they were manageable for the first 5 years or so...but the last 2 years have been out of control. Like, he's begun getting physically violent with me. And incredibly verbally abusive.
I could go on and on about his faults, but long story short...this is not working. At all. Neither of us are happy. We are keeping it civil and friendly...because when he's not in a mental-health induced ragefest over some stupid shit (once it was because I spilled a glass of wine) he can be a decent guy. And when we're not fighting, which is rare these days, I enjoy his company. We work as friends, just not spouses.
So why am I so damn depressed about breaking up my family? We have 2 kids, and it makes me so sad that we are splitting and won't be a family anymore.
Also, I'm pretty sure I'm slowly falling into alcoholism due to the stress of living with this man. He claims that's why he wants to break up- that he doesn't like my drinking. But I drink to deal with his crazy shit.
My life is falling apart. I'm going to try to stop drinking so I can prove that it's not my fault this shit fell apart- that he's effing crazy whether I drink or not. So here's to that. Day 1, no alcohol. Could use some encouragement. My willpower has been sucky lately.

 

Sending a whack of encouragement by express to Texas, Stormsong. Sorry to hear things are in such a bad way but I'm glad you're taking steps to escape this abuse. Make plans, seek out assistance and support, stay strong. You can do this and things can get a lot better. *sending hugs*

 

I work with kids so I can say with some experience backing me up that it's a hell of a lot better for kids to have divorced parents than it is for them to live in a two-parent home with one parent who's an alcoholic and the other who's abusive and struggling with un-managed mental illness.

Hang in there. Don't drink. Get help with that if necessary, and definitely get help with the rest of it. Can you find a women's shelter or other support organization that can help you get yourself and the kids to a safe place when you move out? As I understand it the stress of splitting up can often push abusers to even worse behaviour, temporarily, so you need some supports in place.

 

The problem is... I don't know if I want to fix it. Or at least that was the problem... I'm feeling better today, so the idea of trying to fix my marriage doesn't feel so terrible. But I'm still really confused. I don't know what I want anymore. And I didn't want to talk to him about it until I could really articulate what the problem was. Telling him I just want to run away to have an adventure would just scare him. And why scare him if I'm going to realize that isn't what I really want?

He does know now that I'm having a hard time. I've been distant and he noticed and asked about it last night. I told him I'm just feeling very broken. He asked what he could do and I told him I wanted to go home for a few days. He worried for a second that I wouldn't come back, but said I could go if I really wanted. This would be the first time we've slept apart in our entire relationship.

I think it just finally hit me that, throughout our entire relationship, I keep looking forward to a certain.. thing. And when that thing happens, that's when I'll be happy. Once we get away from his mother, then I'll be happy. Once we get married, then I'll be happy. Once we get away from roommate #1, then I'll be happy. Once we get rid of roommate #2, then I'll be happy. And now, since I know we're not getting rid of roommate #2, I'm waiting for us to move to Illinois. Because then everything will be better.

...But what if it isn't better? What if I just create another "thing" to look forward to, like having a baby or starting a business or publishing my book? I keep thinking that, being home, where I know the location and people, is going to make me happy again. That we'll go to the zoo and baseball games and hit up the bar scene with my friends. But that's never been my husband's style. He's a homebody. And sure, I like to be home sometimes too but I also want an adventure. I want to experience as much as possible, and I want someone to experience those things with me. I've had to force my husband to do anything with me, and it really sucks the fun out of an event when you experience it with an unwilling partner.

Am I just being unrealistic? Am I imagining this prefect scenario that doesn't exist? Or is there someone out there more compatible with me? I believe in the mantra work to live, not live to work. My husband is the opposite. And I understand his thinking -- work hard now so he can do everything he wants when he retires. But that's what my dad did. And I never saw him. My mom divorced him. He remarried, and once again, I never saw him. I have little to no relationship with my dad because he was working all the time. And that's the path I see my husband taking. He voluntarily works 50+ hours a week. Sometimes he only has one day off. Sometimes he has no days off and works for two weeks straight. And it's not like this is a phase. This has been going on for two years, despite my objections. He keeps saying that we're saving money, we're saving money. This will get us to Illinois faster and get you a new car. But then what? Will he stop working so much when we get those things? I doubt it. Then he'll just do what I'm doing -- create a new goal. A new "thing." Then it'll be a new house. Another new car. Maybe a vacation house that we'll never visit because he refuses to take time off. And while our bank account is growing, our connection is shrinking. But what can I say that I haven't already said? Money doesn't buy me. I need love and affection, not stuff. He knows this. And he doesn't try to change. So how long will I see this through? Forever? Until we have a kid that he doesn't know? Until the lack of connection drives me into another man's arms, like what happened to my mom?

Maybe I should write him a letter. I seem to explain myself so much better through text than in person. Maybe it'll help him understand where I'm coming from and why I'm so stressed out. Why I'm so fearful of the future. Maybe it'll help me too to get this all off of my chest.

I don't know if I'll go to Illinois anymore. I won't be able to go for another two weeks anyway, and by that time, there's a chance all of this will have blown over. I also don't think I'm pregnant anymore. Turns out, stress can cause a fever. And now that I'm feeling even a slight bit more stable, my nausea is gone. Still.. I'll have to keep monitoring the situation.

Thanks for the advice, guys. I really appreciate it.

 

I guess it's hard for me to hold on to the word "cheating." My therapist calls it cheating. People that I talked to online calls it cheating. But... I don't know. It doesn't feel like the right word. He asked women online for naked photos to.. well, you know. There was a small dialogue. So definitely a breach, especially since he knew I didn't like it. But cheating? I don't know. I'm just trying to forget about it. It's just porn.

 

Feel free to ignore me, I'm just putting my thoughts down here since I don't have any other place to put them. Typically I just keep it to myself, but I'm trying this instead just to see since I'm told I should write them down.

Last couple days I've just been a bit depressed, nothing too serious, but just recently it got worse. Whenever I tell someone that "I want to die", the first reaction is "do you need to go to a hospital/are you feeling like you want to kill yourself/maybe we should check you in at inpatient therapy/do you have the means to harm yourself/blah blah blah". Not sure why I can't tell people I want to die without getting this huge spiel. There's a difference between wanting to die, and feeling suicidal...I should know, I've been on both ends of the spectrum. I tell my therapist that "I want to die", and she asks "what's overwhelming you right now".

Nothing is overwhelming me either, I just feel weird. I've certainly felt worse than I do right now, but currently I'm in this quasi hopeless, strange state of mind where everything feels funny. On one hand I feel almost like everything is okay, but then I also feel like a piece of shit. It makes me act weird and say stupid stuff, and I also feel guilty for just about everything I'm currently doing, and have ever done, and for no reason. I even feel guilty for writing this right now. My life feels like it's useless, and I'm only a burden. In two minutes I'll be feeling okay kinda, then give it another five and I'll be back to not wanting to be alive. I don't have any friends outside of my relationship because I can't stand most people. I can't talk to my S.O. because she is also prone to being depressed over certain things, and sometimes those things are me being depressed...She's my best friend, but I can't talk to her about everything all the time. Every other friendship I've had has always ended for one reason or another, and a couple times (recently) it was because of the relationship I have with my fiance (very complicated story).

I wish there was a switch I could flip and simply be erased from history, and have everyone forget I ever existed. No mess, no fuss, just switch, and I'm gone, poof, no pain, no guilt, no left behind responsibility. If anyone have invented such a thing, please let me know.

Spoiler: Rant about medical professionals

Such thoughts do not have to be the product of some unrealized stress or something. Why can't it just be okay to tell someone that you feel this way and have them say "I understand, and I'm sorry you're not doing okay, feel free to talk if you want"? It's not hard, and yes, I do have the means to harm myself. What kind of question is that anyway? Do I have the means to harm myself? I don't know, you tell me, I'm an adult, not a child, I know how to do it if I want to, that's not an important thing to ask...I have cans of soda in my fridge, ever cut yourself on aluminum before? I have a car outside, ever heard of head on collisions? Why do you want to know if I have a gun? If I was going to use it, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now... you can't tell me I can't have kitchen knives either, it's stupid. lol Only a family member can have me committed, and they have to have a damn good reason, so please, will people stop asking these questions? I just want to talk to someone without having all that stuff come up first, damn...

I wish I did have a reason I felt this way, then I could tell someone why and talk to them about it...but currently I'm at a loss...I just feel bad, and I wish I never had existed. I also wish I could stop making stupid decisions and mistakes. When I feel like this, everything I've ever done comes up in flashes, every bad thing I've done that is. Not that I've really done anything truly awful, but I've done some really embarrassing, somewhat damaging things. I've hurt people emotionally too, and I've made an ass out of myself in several occasions as well. I've told my therapist that I have these thoughts, and she gives me a ball of clay to play with when I'm feeling stressed. Kinda helped at first, but I'm also not so easily distracted. Stress balls and similar tactics don't work on my brain...not when they're conjuring up memories of certain things at least. I have a photographic memory too, so I get to relive the moments that were the worst...awesome. Some of it are things that were done to me as well, but for some reason the ones that make me feel guilty are much worse.

 

I know this is probably of no help, but... I feel the exact same way right now. You're definitely not alone.

 

Mental illness sucks. Sorry you're going through it. Thanks though, appreciate it. Talking about it actually helped.

 

Just got it cleared with work to take my trip home! I talked to my boss about all the shit going on yesterday and since she's been through it (she said I'm living her first marriage), she's been really supportive. Gave me the weekend off next week so that I can go. So looks like I'll be flying out Thursday, coming back either Monday or Tuesday. My husband is upset, but.... I need this more than I care about his feelings at this point. I know that sounds terrible, but at some point, I have to think about myself.

And I want this trip to be awesome. The first time I went home, it was all about showing my husband the city. The second time, it was all about seeing my family. This time, I want it to be all about friends and fun. Hopefully it'll be everything I want it to be.

 

I'm glad you're going, but I'd caution you not to build up huge expectations about all the 'fun' you will have. Forget 'awesome.' Look upon it as a chance to get out of the situation you're in for a little while and clear your head. Try not to build up expectation. This isn't going to fix your situation. You'll still be going back to it. Instead, maybe look upon this break as a chance to think on your own and to feel less stressed. And there might be an added plus. This will give your husband a chance to think and be on his own as well.

Married people shouldn't feel they need to be joined at the hip at all times. If you and your husband enjoy different things, then give yourselves permission to do these things—separately. If he hates window-shopping and you love it, while you hate football and he loves it, there is nothing to be gained by each of you dragging the other along. Instead you go window-shopping, he goes to football, and you both come home a lot happier. AND you won't resent each other either.

Anyway, have a good trip. And let us know later, how you get on? All the best....

 

Thank you. I needed the reminder. I do plan on taking some time for myself (lots of parks, quiet time, and inner reflection) but I need to remember why I'm going. Not just a vacation, but a period to think.

Thank you.

 

Well, I thought I was doing better... Turns out I was just suppressing.

I talked to my sister last night about everything going on. She's been divorced, so I knew she'd be able to help. And everything just came rushing back. I know a lot of people don't consider what he did cheating, but I do. And I'm trying to pretend it isn't because otherwise my marriage is over. I can't keep doing this. I can't go through this again. And my husband of course knows I'm being cold towards him. But I can't just pretend everything is okay when it's not. And now I'm nauseous again because I had such a hard time sleeping.

I just want to sleep until next Thursday so I don't have to deal with this anymore.

 

You might want to avoid the word 'cheating,' because not only is it one of those words that sends people running in circles, screaming their heads off, but it's also open to the argument that it wasn't 'technically' cheating—and then you get dragged off course and lose the wrong argument.

What you might want to concentrate on is the way the discovery of his activity made you feel. It made you feel (undervalued, sad, discouraged, bewildered, furious, ignored, unloved...) whatever your list might be. If you can think of exactly how it made you feel, rather than attaching the word 'cheating' to it (and having him say 'no, it's not') then you might be able to get through to him. If you can also get him to let you in on why he needed some kind of pornographic content in his life (when he's got you!) then you might get somewhere. If you can do all this without having a fight, you might come out okay, and better oriented towards each other.

This is the kind of approach you can work on, by yourself, when you have your break. Think about how you really feel (and be honest!) and think of a way to approach him with the truth, whatever it is. You could even write him a letter, while you're away, and give it to him when you return home. (After sitting on it a while, and making sure it says exactly what you want it to say.) I'd hope he's mature enough to be thinking this through from his end, as well.

 

I don't think it was actively cheating, but it was definitely a huge breach of trust. Especially considering he's done this before, and said he wouldn't again.

Don't pretend everything is okay. That never helps. I think something that might, though, is having a little journal. Not something that you update regularly, but something you can just pour your thoughts into when it gets really bad.

...that gives me an idea. You said you put your thoughts, feelings, everything else better on paper, right? What I used to do with my mom was write down everything that was wrong on a piece of paper, fold it, and give it to her. Keep writing down stuff, and the day you go, give all of those little bits of thought-vomit to him.

From what I've read, your husband gets defensive very quickly, and then regrets it later. If he has some time to sit with what you're going through without having to defend himself, he just might be able to understand. That way, you won't have to worry about what you're going to say to him over your break. You need as many stress-free days as possible.

Take care of yourself.

 

You have every right to be angry--not that you need my permission, of course. Whether it's "cheating" or a virtual affair or a broken promise, he broke your trust, and he broke it in an interactive way with another specific human being. His behavior broke normal societal standards for behavior in a marriage. Published porn may be OK for many people, but this wasn't published porn.

Can you afford a hotel or some other way to be in a different living space from him, so that you can start the alone time early? I realize that you'll still have to go to work, so it wouldn't be as useful as it would otherwise.

 

Great advice! @jannert, you are ever the wise one.

@Lea`Brooks I wonder how your husband would feel if you had done the same thing? If it made him feel undervalued, cheated, or hurt, surely he wouldn't want to cause that pain to his wife either? On the other hand, if he said he didn't mind (I'm sorry but, pffffft, he totes would), it'd imply you two have different values. The next question is, can you be together if you think so differently about the boundaries of your marriage?

If my husband did something like that, I'm not sure I'd divorce his ass, and I certainly wouldn't ask dick pics from random dudes, ew. I'd probably open an Instagram account, start posting underwear pictures of myself, and try to garner a harem of admirers. That'd piss him off in turn. (Don't worry, I'm kidding. Maybe...)

Anyway, I hope your me-time vacation clears things up and helps you to find the right path, or at least a better path, even if it's a path out. Stay strong! Hugs.

 

Firstly: I did not know this thread was on here. And this is amazingly supportive and helpful. I wish I'd found something like this years ago.

Secondly, @Lea`Brooks I really hope your time to yourself helps. If I could throw out a Google suggestion that might help: "The Five Love Languages" it talks about how people communicate affection very differently, it sounds to me like you are very "Touch" based and he's not. Just something to contemplate.

Also everything @KaTrian and @jannert said. I liked your comments, but it requires a stronger endorsement.


Also a nice dose of katharsis always helps me:

 

Thanks everyone. As always, the continued support is incredibly helpful.

I definitely broke down yesterday. I was certain my marriage was over because I'd never be able to forgive him or move forward from here. I could barely stop crying at work, but when I would finally calm down, someone would ask if I was okay (bloodshot, puffy eyes, red nose, the works), and I'd start crying all over again. It was a rough start to the day.

I decided that I'm going to spend my alone time writing him a letter. He often interrupts me when we have marital discussions, so this will give me a chance to get out everything that I'm feeling. Then when I get home, we're going to couple's therapy. It's either that or divorce. And I'm not saying that in a "you go to therapy with me or else" kind of way, but a "if we don't talk to a professional, these problems are going to destroy us" kind of way.

I don't know if it'll help. I'm worried it's too late because I'm already starting to feel checked out. And our life goals are polar opposites, so even if therapy fixes the current trust issues, it won't help how we both want to live our lives. I want a family; he doesn't. I want adventure; he wants comfort. I want love and attention; he wants money and success.

But either way. I have to try. I'd never be able to forgive myself if I didn't try.

 

In case you're uncomfortable with even the vibe of an "or else": In another forum, there's even a term for the "or else:---two cards. The image is presenting your spouse with the card for the therapist and the card for the lawyer and telling them it's one or the other. I don't think anyone actually does it literally that way, with cards, but I just wanted to mention that it's not unthinkable.