Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

I've been having a pretty good week. Not to say that the week has been good, but my depression has abated for the time being. So all the bad is just that--bad. Not life or death, slit my wrists fucking awful.

I almost had a moment yesterday when I couldn't find anyone to go to a concert with me. I felt weirdly embarrassed that I had all of these "friends," yet when the time came, I was alone... But I went. And I had fun. A friend wanted come over after. I should've said no. But I didn't. And I'm glad I didn't. At least, I'm glad for now. Had my depression been in full swing, I'd be a mess right now. So I took advantage of the moment. And I'm in a pretty okay mood. Even updated my blog today.

But... Who knows how long that'll last, right? Just gotta enjoy it while I can.

 

@LostThePlot and @Foxxx:
I feel sad for you, and I almost get 'survivor's guilt' that I can't pitch in. I know where you two are standing, because I've been there myself. Though quite a bit of time has passed, I've never forgotten this awful feeling. For me, it's been during school and the growing-up years that I've felt like this. Never doing things right, never being proud of myself, never being even satisfied with myself. Never even adequate.

I wish I could help you both, but I can't. I can only tell you how I managed to overcome it myself, though I don't know if it'll help you. So: I got angry. I said in effect 'F*** you, world!' If you don't want me, I don't want you. I can be my own person, and do things I like to do. Things that I feel like doing. And if there's no one to share them, than that's just too bad.

And you know what? I made peace with myself. I learned to be me, and life got better. Now I live a life I could never have imagined, and I'm amazed that this is me that's got to do it. I give you both a hug—and @Lea`Brooks too, for good measure

 

I did recently get myself a Nice Therapist, though not the kind that can prescribe things. And my immediate boss and his immediate boss are supportive; it's above and sideways that's a mess. I keep thinking I can save the job. This is probably a delusion.

 

Chester Bennington lost his battle with depression and drug-abuse this morning. I don't care for a lot of their music after Minutes to Midnight, but Linkin Park got me through many dark times and were my favorite band growing up. I respect them for the talented guys they are.

Just wanted to say into the nether of the internet that I'll miss you Mr. Bennington, and thanks for everything. The amazing concerts I'll never forget, the memories attached to your music, the catharsis, understanding, and comfort your lyrics gave me. Everything man.

 

Linkin Park was playing on my playlist when I heard. Breaks my heart.

 

I had been feeling pretty good last couple months actually, maybe longer...and then yesterday I forgot to take meds for the first time in quite a while. I felt okay all day yesterday too after that, but then this morning I woke up to some heavy depression. I've taken meds today, and I think I'm getting better, but I just have this desire to do nothing when I have so much to work on. I'm not suicidal, but I do have this urge to check my life out the window and just be done with it all, if that makes sense. If life was like a cellphone and you could just turn it off...or fling it across the room, whichever works, that would be great. Take like a three week break from having to worry about shit. Don't need to charge your batteries, because you're "off"...no need for food, you're already asleep, and no one can disturb you. It's like a paradise, only you don't do anything and you can't see anything, you just are. Wouldn't that be awesome? Or is that just my depression? lol

Don't ever forget your meds, it can fuck your world up.

 

Amen to that.

 

Aside from a few intrusive thoughts here and there, I think my anxiety is under control for the moment.

 

I'm realizing that I'm reacting to job stresses as if they're physical threats. Thumpy heart and a feeling of not-safe and vulnerability all mixed together.

Which would be an interesting phenomenon if it were purely theoretical--why does a stressful situation that was never, ever, the least little bit about physical danger, not even by implication (no mean roaring bosses) now be triggering me as if it is? Brain chemistry, blah blah.

But since it's not purely theoretical, it's immensely annoying.

 

My dang anxiety...I'm starting to breech into freelance writing after many years of unemployment and all this interacting, proving myself, questioning if I can even do potential jobs I'd love, and assignments is itching me all over. I nearly flatline when asked for more examples of my work (spoiler: my portfolio is a used tissue floating in the wind). Let me tell you, it was an effort to even sign up, then an effort to start applying. I don't know when my confidence curled up and died. Luckily, working again is boosting me back up. I nearly called a family reunion to announce winning my first real job. Though now I'm so mentally drained from fighting for said job that I'm about to fall out of my chair.

Anyway, I'm complaining about the anxiety because I want to make money writing books. However, every time I open up a job for writing some fiction ebook my shoulders touch and I shuffle off wondering what god has the power to accomplish pumping out a full, complete story. I deleted my application for a ghostwriting job today and shambled away feeling overwhelmed just from the thought of it. It's all because I've been "trying" to write a book for seven years (maybe more) and haven't even come close. I have some comical form of PTSD involving my continued failure at book writing. Is it okay to blame my ADHD these days or will I be sneered off the stage?

So, I've got a plan to start writing short murder mystery books. Something easy and following a classic outline--with me typing between the lines. Act like it's just another job for peanuts (but without the scary boss judging me on the other end). Start small so as not to overwhelm. Pretend I'm writing for some Cheap Company based is Asia that just needs someone who can write words that look like English.

 

Can I ask where you're finding ghostwriting jobs posted? That sounds interesting...

 

@marshipan I think taking on smaller pieces will help you build
confidence in your writing. Maybe even putting together a compilation
of Murder Mystery shorts, or a double feature will work well
for you.
I understand how much of a daunting task writing a full length novel
is, and it can get stressful.

I wish you luck sirette, and hope you will keep on writing.

 

Upwork. The site takes a whopping twenty percent tax off all your jobs but it's the best one I've found so far. I think people consider it a necessary evil to getting in the game. Well, I mean that's what I think. Hoping to get long term clients I can take off site eventually.

Anyway, I see a decent amount of fiction book ghostwriting jobs run through there and some actually pay well.

 

Yeah I'm thinking somewhere in the realm of 10-20k at first. Though maybe a few 5k stories would really be better.

"Sirette", hah. Thank you.

 

Feeling rather pleased with myself. I'm just back from a three day music festival...think Glastonbury when it first started out. Although there were many instances when I might have overreacted, I managed to keep a cool head with my emotions locked down and under control. (Not when some woman decided to wash her nethers, in full view of the campers, (kids included), in the only sink hygenic enough to tackle the washing up, not even when the group of young uns whose bivvy's were reminiscent of Custer's last stand took off, leaving tents, sleeping bags, copious amounts of rubbish, beers cans, etc. in their wake. Not even at the state of the port-a-loos which, despite being emptied at 6.45 am needed a severe hosing down by 8.

Yeah... I came, I saw, I conquered. Go me!

 

I have a confession to make... I hurt myself two nights ago. Tried to boil myself like a lobster, as my friend so elegantly put it. I turned my shower on as hot as it could go and sat in it for as long as I could stand. My skin was sensitive and hot all day yesterday. A little bit today, but not as bad. I almost did it again last night. Not really because I was sad.. I just forgot how addicting self harm can be. I didn't do it though. Took a cool shower instead. Made me feel not so hot.

It all started with my friend Nick. He was the first person I met after my separation. We went to dinner one night, and, in my opinion, it was super awkward. So I never really thought we'd see each other again. I figured our conversations would fizzle out, but they didn't. We continued to talk every day, nothing flirty, and he became a really good friend. I could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me. He'd listen when I was upset and offer me advice when I was down. Nothing major.. Just little things, like take a nap or go eat something. Still, it was enough.

A few weeks ago, he came over to my house to watch Game of Thrones. It was only the second time I'd seen him, but it went really well. It wasn't awkward. He wasn't the quiet person I met the first time. Stuff ended up happening.... Hung out a couple more times that week, but I started to feel weird about it. I don't really know why. Whatever the reason was, I realized we couldn't keep doing what we were doing. But I liked him, and he liked me, and I didn't want to hurt him.

So I just became more distant. Suddenly I was too busy to hang out. Too busy to talk. I was going to tell him eventually. I just didn't want to blindside him with it. Better to see it coming. And I did tell him, this past Friday. Said I had a lot of fun with him, but I thought we should just be friends. And he was okay. We kept talking like normal, as if nothing had happened.

But then Monday, something in him snapped, and I had no idea why. He just went off. Started going off on me via text about how I never want to do anything, and how friends hang out.. I tried to explain why I didn't hang out the last couple weeks. I didn't want to lead him on. But he wasn't listening. He was furious. And his anger took on so many forms.

Said that I was using him as my emotional punching bag and he didn't need people in his life who were so hypercritical of him. That I made him feel shitty. That I wasn't his girlfriend so he didn't have to be nice to me anymore.

That's when it clicked why he was so upset. He wanted to be more and I couldn't give him that. He denied it, of course, because he has too much pride. But I saw through it. I told him I didn't want to lose him as a friend. He said I wasn't his friend. I asked him if he cared about me as more than a friend. He didn't answer. So I asked him if he loved me.

And he said yes.

Ahh... All makes sense now. I rejected him. And rejection has a weird way of messing with people's minds. I've seen it. I've experienced it. So I tried to be gentle with him. But then things got much, much worse...

Said I feed off drama. Kept repeating that we aren't friends. He said it was fucked up of me to text him when I met some guy. What? I had no idea what he was talking about because I'd never done that.

Ohhh.... My friend Allen was supposed to hang out and bailed on me at the last minute. But that wasn't a date. Allen is literally just my friend! I told Nick that, but he still wasn't listening. I called him because we'd been texting for an hour and a half at that point, and I was tired of it. He yelled at me. Hung up on me.

Texted me twenty minutes later and apologized for yelling at me. But then he kept yelling at me via text... Said I didn't want to be his girlfriend.. I didn't want to be his friend.. I just wanted him to be my side piece for when all other options failed..

I kept trying to talk, but he was being unreasonable. Said I was using him and playing with him and was just trying not to be the bad guy. Called me a narcissist. Said I was boring to him and just caused a lot of drama.

But at this point in the conversation is where he started to cross the line for me. Because he knows my triggers. And he used them against me.

He said I was getting so upset over words. Just words on a screen. If real shit happens, I'd crumble. And I lost it. Because I am not weak. It's my mantra. I say it every day. Every time I feel weak. Because emotions aren't weakness. Sensitivity is not weakness. Depression is not weakness. I've been through real shit before and I came out of it just fine.

So I went off on him. And he seemed to enjoy it. I could almost see him laughing at me. He said that yeah, I'd been through shit, but it didn't give me a pass to be a dick. He knew my type. Emotional vampires. I kept him around just to make me feel better about myself. Just to boost my ego. Just to feel wanted.

And I crumbled. It was then that I crawled into the shower to cook. When I got out, I had at least a dozen texts from him, telling me that's what him and his friends do. They find your deepest, darkest, most embarrassing aspect of each other's life.. And they pick at it. If they can't handle it, they laugh about it. And that's what he was doing to me.

I told him to go away. I didn't deserve that. He didn't though. He kept texting, his anger lessening. I wish I could be nice to you, but you shit on me. I do love you, but you really hurt me. I'm sorry. I was rough but I had to get that off my chest. I think you're strong, smart, and beautiful. I'm really sorry. I'd love to be with you, but you deserve better. I think about you all the time...

And I almost threw myself into oncoming traffic. Three hours. Three hours, he berated and belittled me. The person I trusted more than anyone in Richmond. The one person I thought would never hurt me. I called a friend and he talked me down. But the pain lingered. Is still lingering. I went to bed wanting to hurt myself. I woke up wanting to kill myself. I wrote in my blog last night, but it didn't help. Writing this now is helping though. Lifting the fog a little.

I'm alone. I've lost so many friends this week. And the isolation is brutal. I'm totally alone. I have no one I can depend on. No one. No one cares. No one wants to help me through my rough time. And yes, it's helping me stand on my own.

But what if I wasn't that strong? What if their distance made me feel worse? What if I killed myself? Would they regret not helping me when I needed it? Would they regret ignoring my cries for help? Would they even realize I tried to get help from them?

I don't know. I just need better people in my life. Real people. Honest people. Caring people. Then I can rid myself of all these jokers and be much happier.

Until then... I need another cigarette.

 

Hello Lea,

I'm very sorry that you're having such a hard week.

This is pretty classic, and you should run. Block his number (now) and try to keep in mind that whatever problems you may or not have - he has some pretty serious ones of his own (that are not your problem or your fault).

I bolded that sentence above, because you did call someone, they did answer, and you're not completely alone. Do you have a therapist? I would have to suggest a session. I'm concerned about the self-harm (and I really do understand it). If you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me. Take care.

 

I agree, I should run. It just really sucks. He was really important to me, and not just because he helped me. We were close. We have a lot of similarities. He was my friend. And now I don't even know him.

But about the person I called... We've since stopped talking. He also wanted more from me than I could give him, and we agreed to go our separate ways so that I wouldn't lead him on.

I do have a therapist. My next session is next week (soonest I could do it anyway because of my schedule). I'll definitely talk to her about it. Hopefully I'll be better by then.

Le sigh...... Life. I'm feeling better now though. I know everyone in my life sucks. They ignore me. They blow me off. I actually took a nap today... And I had a dream that I was on vacation with literally everyone I know. We were on a hike in Tennessee or something. Well while we were walking, I told someone I was going to kill myself. Not necessarily today or tomorrow, but eventually. So they yelled out, "suicide watch!" And everyone stopped hiking to form one giant group. I thought they were all gonna like come hug me or lock me up for my own safety or something.... But you know what they did? They left. They walked to the road, got in their cars, and drove away, leaving me standing all by myself.

And if that isn't a perfect symbol of how I feel right now, I don't know what is. I feel like I'm screaming for help, everyone knows I need help, and no one is helping me. So I'm trying to help myself.

Thanks for responding. I appreciate it.

 

I am sorry. I've had to run from people who were important to me too. I get it. People change

Is this a common problem that you have? People wanting more than you can give?

I hope you are better by then as well, and am glad you have made an appointment.

Your dream is, well, I understand how it's upsetting and I hope you mention it to your therapist as well.

I wish I could help. You're welcome. Anytime.

 

Lea, obviously you're going through some tough times, and I know this thread is for support, but it's for Mental Health support, right? Like, not necessarily for telling you that everything you do is perfect and everyone else in your life is evil if they don't support you, but for supporting you as you try to maintain your mental health?

In that spirit, when I read that your friend:

I felt like he maybe had a point. I think drama can be its own form of self-harm, if that sounds right? You don't enjoy the feeling of too-hot water on your skin, but there's something important about it, something that makes you feel alive or better or whatever. Maybe it's the same with dramatic incidents?

Because, honestly, in my entire life I've probably not had as many brawls and betrayals and big scenes as you've had since you started posting in this thread. Now, I'm not a "standard" person to compare to because I HATE drama and really go out of my way to avoid situations that seem as if they may lead to drama, to the point that quite possibly I'm missing out on things. But it really seems as if you're at the other extreme, where you seem to be seeking the drama out. Otherwise you've just had incredibly bad luck, and I don't really believe in "luck" that way.

Does the idea of drama as self-harm resonate at all with you? You want to feel something so much that you'll take negative stimuli if no positive is available, or something like that?

 

Thanks, guys.... Really didn't need that right now.