Sorry for the horribly generic thread title, but I couldn't think of how to succinctly summarise what I'm asking. I have a character who cries in one scene. I want to suggest to the reader that this is the first time he has cried since the loss of someone close to him. I.e. he cried when he lost that person, didn't cry since, and is crying now. Here's the paragraph: The phrase in bold is the one which is supposed to imply that he hasn't cried since losing that person. I feel it implies that he is crying over the loss of the person for whom he had cried most recently. However, I'm not sure it suggests that he hasn't cried at any other time since losing that person, nor that he hasn't cried at all, about anything, since then. I know I could just split this up into several sentences to make it clear, but I want to word it a bit more poetically as this is the first time this character has showed an emotion like this. So if there is a way of rewording that phrase to imply what I want it to, that would be preferable. Thanks in advance for any help!
Firstly, I think if you allude to the frustration and uselessness by a show (in the lead up to your quoted sentence) rather than a tell, you'd be afforded some breathing room. What struck me is that there's a lot to comprehend in those two lines you posted. Secondly, the bolded tail end is a tricky read, you're right, almost cryptic and a sticking point (for me). Do you think it'd read better if the identity of the one he was breaking his fast of tears over wasn't a mystery? Or are you wanting to hold back revealing them? eta – these are the kind of sentences I agonise over. Flow stoppers.
Yes, I thought so too. There is some more telling before this: (Note that this is a first draft, so there is work to be done on all of the above). I could insert some showing in between to enhance the build-up. Or do you think the tell should be completely replaced with showing? Some of that does need to be told as there's no other way for the reader to know at this point, but I can certainly change some of the emotional stuff to showing. I had considered revealing the identity as that would make it easier to word the sentence. But the revelation will have so much more impact later on. It's a fundamental reason why the character is the way he is, and the sharing of this information at a particular point is pivotal to the development of his relationship with another character. I think it will have more of an impact if the reader doesn't know either. So I don't really know where to go from here in terms of rewording to make it clearer. I think I'll have to split it up into more than one sentence, much as it pains me. Glad I'm not the only one
Never completely no, tell has it's place for me, I use it to idle a story along and frame the showy bits if that makes sense. In the case of the char's 'control' and 'uselessness' it's already been directly expressed, so I think it's okay to strike it out from the lines you put up for review. There's a good chance. (it's 'the loss of the one for whom' that's chewy) I would say sleep on it though. Fresh eyes tomorrow might provide a revelation. < This sometimes works for me.
It's a very nice structure (looking at your last sentence). A parallelism with an interruption for emphasis. Very well done! What I would do is loosen the parallel. I think it would be worth it because you want that last phrase succinct. And that's more important. You're doing this: for his loss of, for his loss of, for the loss of. That's not perfectly parallel (not a mistake, it's a good choice), but you can change it a little and it will still seem parallel to the ear. for his loss, for his loss, for the last. Then it could be . . . for the last person he'd cried for. You have options with that too. The main thing is to be quick, I think. Edit: my books call this an anaphora. Whatever . . . I'm forever trying to learn the lingo.
As far as telling goes I'd whack these sentences in this passage like so: He wasn’t used to feeling so out of control. He made a living calculating odds. Sometimes the stock went the way he predicted, sometimes it didn’t. But at least he had some means of making an educated guess. Right now, he was useless. (But now) He had nothing to go on, and this was the biggest investment he had ever brokered. The struck (striked?) sentences are tells, but the others are nice shows that imply everything we need to now. We get that he's frustrated at his uselessness and loss of control and. No explanation needed. As for the original, the prepositional phrase (in red) threw me for a moment because it's hiding inside a list of things clearly delineated by the commas: Overwhelmed by frustration and uselessness, a single tear escaped Julian’s eye and splashed onto the floor of the train. Then, he lowered his head and began to weep. He cried for his loss of control, for his loss of life, and from the deepest part of his memory, for the loss of the one for whom he had last cried. My brain read it as part of the list and I had to reread it. Not a huge issue but it makes a clunky sentence a bit clunkier. With the bold part, I would either restructure in a more parallel fashion like @Seven Crowns suggested or preface it with an indicator like @SethLoki said. Either way you should whack the "Overwhelmed by frustration and uselessness." That's as tell-y as it gets (you've used each twice in these few passages I think) and you go on to show us why he's crying anyway, so mission accomplished with no prompts needed.
Thanks dude. Yeah “idling” the story is what I wanted. The characters are stuck on a train together and don’t really want to be together, let alone talk. So it’s the ideal time to do some telling. His emotional breakdown precipitates communication between them, so telling the reasons for it has a place here. Thank you! I’d love to say it was deliberate, but I just wrote what felt right. I don’t really know anything about narrative devices or structures. I pretty much just write what I would want to read and hope it sounds good! Thanks for the suggestions. I’ll play with these today and see where it gets me! Thanks for these suggestions. It’s really helpful to see it dissected like that. I’ll try combinations of your suggestions and Seven Crowns’ and see what I can come up with.
