Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

I think my biggest problem is that I worry I’m going to get fired. I haven’t worked in 3 days. I think that’s a personal depression record for me. Thankfully, I’m in outside sales so no one *really* knows whether or not I’ve worked – it’s possible I’ve just had a rough 3 days. But if this keeps up, my numbers are going to show that I have not actually been working.

ETA: The worst part? I’m not entirely sure if I care whether or not I get fired.

 

Give yourself more credit. I know it feels like you're not doing jack shit, but you're doing everything right. You're seeking help; you're sticking to your medication; you accepted medication and help; you're making lists, journaling, meditating -- you're trying. Whatever it is that keeps you fighting, nurture that. Love it. What drives you? You're still the person you think is gone. No one gets to take that away from you. I remember your thread asking about whether it was okay to write about a matter as sensitive as sexual assault. You said writing was healing for you. Are you still writing? Have you written about it like you had planned to?

I think it's better to think of things like journaling and meditation as metaphors for the things that bring you peace. I've tried plenty of meditating. I've been all kinds of mentally fucked up for most of my life, and I've run the gamut of treatments therapists prescribe. What I've learned is that, while the things they tell you to do generally work to some average degree in a lot of people, the specific tasks they prescribe don't work for everyone. Head doctors can only prescribe so much personalized treatment for the simple fact that they can never know you as well as you know you. A great degree of healing has to come from within. It means rooting around in your noggin and understanding the darkest parts of your psyche. It means growing to be able to face it all without fear. Depression's great trick is to convince you that it is bigger than you, when it's really just a small man behind a curtain.

And, I don't at all mean to say that you aren't trying. I just really want to emphasize the point that I believe many therapists fail to properly emphasize, and that's your degrees of both power and responsibility. You are most responsible for yourself, but that responsibility grants you great power to control and maintain yourself. To build yourself up. Only when I started medication was I really able to implement this ideas properly. This is what has helped me. I needed meds and the life philosophy, but my issues stem from emotional abuse, not physical. I'm just hoping something I have to say speaks to you, because even though I don't know you, I can't help but try to help when I see someone walking through the same hell I'm just getting out of.

 

I can relate. When I was 25 my boss/father in law slowly drove me to a breaking point mentally.
I was getting paid to basically smoke 3 packs a day, and call who ever I could to try get reassurance.
Think it was a good 6 month decay, and I was all manner of mentally fucked. Paranoia, and extreme
aggression were all I knew (along with a fear that I swear I was going to have a heart attack). So far
gone in the head, that I almost jumped a fake tree, that is how bad it got.

Took a year and three months talking to a counselor, to find out that I had severe childhood PTSD.
And that I had a very suggestive mind, when it came to people I thought I could trust.

So you may or may not care about your job, but if it causes you a great deal of stress, then you might
start looking for something less stressful. Sometimes you have to get a change of scenery that works
with your predicament.

Hope you feel better, and things turn around for you. (and have a good support system to help as well.)

 

You’re right and my job is extremely stressful (which is what usually love about it). I think I need to take FMLA and take some time off.

ETA: Never mind, I don’t qualify for FMLA.

 

Take care of yourself lady. I hope you feel better and make it out of the woods.

 

My anxiety has returned after a lull and now I feel oddly jittery and emotional...

 

I recently started taking anti-depressants and I was wondering if they quelched creativeness. A lot of people believe that and I was wondering if it's true. With Nanowrimo just starting up I was wondering if there was any reason to participate.

 

Every person is different in terms of how they'll react to different medications. And every person gets their creativity from different places.

Negative emotion is just one kind of fuel, and it doesn't burn clean. I'm on Celexa, and because it helps balance my mood, I can actually function like a normal human being. I can do the things I need to do so I can actually have time to write in the first place; and when I sit down to write, I don't feel so outright terrible that I can't write a few sentences without feeling spent.

It's not like you can't feel negative emotion when on an SSRI. Well, at least in my experience it's not like that. For me, it takes the edge off.

Basically it comes down to this. A person high in neuroticism, or for the sake of simplicity we can just say "a person with depression", jumps to the catastrophic level of analysis for anything bad that happens. Sometimes even good things. So a severe example would be: reading several articles in the newspaper about terrorist attacks, murders, and divorce rates, and suddenly one is pondering why they haven't killed themselves yet. Or when your partner is doing something that is bothering you, instead of finding a way to make the absolute smallest request for change in the nicest possible way that would help alleviate the issue, it immediately jumps to a heated argument about whether or not you two should be together at all.

It's a high sensitivity to - or lack of ability to tolerate - negative stimulus / events, and an inability to properly handle those obstacles. So far Celexa has helped me take the edge off so I can take on upsets at a more appropriate, practical level of analysis, rather than be incapacitated and sincerely believe it's not worth getting out of bed.

Also, treatments aren't necessarily one-size-fits-all. You may only be on something for a month, because maybe you got yourself caught in a negative-feedback loop and needed a little something to break you out of it. Sometimes the physiological elements habituate themselves with your depression, which means even if you change your thinking you still might feel down.

Anyway, I don't know your situation, but it's a myth that it stifles creativity, so don't let that be a factor in not getting help, assuming you need the help.

 

I hate subtlety, in myself and others. I recently ran into someone who apparently took an interest in me, but because bipolar and PTSD have made me cautious about reading into things that aren't there, I didn't get that she was interested until a few people pointed out she'd basically drawn me a picture in crayon.

Because of my caution, I missed out on an opportunity to make a new friend (and possibly more). Ever since my suicide attempt last year, friends have been hard to come by. I used to have a wide circle of friends, and now I have a handful who actually care. I value those guys (and they're all guys), but it would be nice to know I don't have a scarlet letter on my forehead I can't see. Right now I feel like an idiot and a failure and completely repulsive to others.

So, yeah. Liquor time.

Sidenote: I'm not suicidal. I never was. I had a psychotic episode last year that compelled me to attempt suicide, but I'm currently not psychotic. I've got my guys in my support system if I start getting twitchy. Right now I'm just bummed and need to stop thinking for five blessed minutes. Here's hoping 40-proof will get the job done without making me puke.

 

Would if I could. It was a chance meeting at a restaurant, and I was too stupid to figure out she wanted me to accompany her elsewhere. She walked out and I figured it out too late.

 

They can do. The effects are highly individual, so there's no way to tell except trying different medications to find one that works for you. I was lucky that citalopram works for me with very tolerable and minimal side effects, but the same drug at the same dose made my best friend feel 10x worse. Another friend at university stopped taking her medication (can't remember which it was) because it made her not-care about anything, including her grades. She certainly wasn't interested in creative endeavours.

I wouldn't say it's common, and if it does happen it's reversible. Mental health is more important than NaNoWriMo.

 

Interestingly, there was an article in today's Metro reporting a study about students (Group A) taking a placebo that they were told would increase their creativity. A control group (Group B) took the same placebo but they weren't told that it would increase their creativity. Both groups took tests. Group A displayed significantly increased creativity.

The implication is that your creativity is increased if you believe it is.

The logical corollary is that your creativity will be quelched if you believe it will be.

 

Not in my experience. I took Lexapro for a while and I see from Facebook that I continued to paint and play music during that time.

The biggest thing I'd be weary of is a self-fullfilling prophecy. It's easy to put blame on a drug if you're having an non-creative spell. Sure, it might be the drugs, but it could be anything else. For me, creativity comes in waves, there are days or even sometimes a week or so where I don't write, paint, whatever, followed by stretches where that's all I do, so I'd attribute any lack of creativity to simply not being in the mood, so don't stress about it.

 

While on Zoloft and Wellbutrin for a couple months I felt exceptionally flat and steady, with seemingly nothing affecting my mood. I personally need my natural highs and lows to help drive my creativity.

I was also on Effexor for a year, and after the first few weeks, I still felt like I had my natural highs and lows, but they had been dampened, so as to not be so severe. I definitely still had creative moments and maintained interest in painting, guitar, and photography while on Effexor.

It can't be said enough, everyone is different in how their body may react to the various anti-depressants out there. I found it imperative to discuss symptoms and side-effects in-depth, regardless of how embarrassing, with my psychiatrist. Also, keep an open mind and be ready to try a few different prescriptions. Don't expect any of them to be perfect.

-Ryan

 

Thank you all. These were very helpful.

 

First of all, I think it is great to have this as an open discussion. I've struggled with anxiety since I was in middle school, and as I got older, it seemed to only escalate. Once I was in high school, I mentioned this intense sense of anxiety to my mother, who prompted me to sweep it under the rug and suck it up. I did just that for a number of years, until I had a breakdown with my husband, who then took the initiative to call my doctor to set up an appointment. I went in and after only ten minutes of conversation, she prescribed Zoloft. I have been taking it since March and it has in some ways helped with my levels of anxiety. However, as of a couple of weeks ago, my anxiety/depression reached a peak, so, I made an appointment and have since been put on new medication. Basically, what I can say is, the medicine has helped me. It hasn't stifled creativity or energy, if anything, in some way it has helped. Realizing I do have to deal with anxiety/depression is obviously its own monster, but seeing that I can handle it when it comes to writing is amazing!

 

I've been prescribed citalopram on a few occasions in the past.

I didn't suffer with any loss of creativity. But I sure as hell couldn't concentrate on a great deal other than over thinking every symptom my issues were causing, I had no spare thinking time for anything creative. So on that basis the medication helped with my writing as I gradually started to feel less anxious and less like I was going insane. I would partake in nanowrimo as keeping my mind active distracted me from my psychotic inner voice and was a vital part of my recovery.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

I have been on Paxil for many years, I don't think it has affected my creativity, but like others my creativity ebbs and flows so not sure if that is normal with most people, I think it is.

 

I can’t understand the science behind it, but...apparently I’ve been off my anxiety meds for a few weeks now and...it hadn’t returned. I’m still happy and bubbly on the inside and, while the anxiety is still there, it’s now under my firm control, not the other way around.

I may not understand it, but I’ll not give the metaphorical gift horse a colonoscopy on the wrong end. With that said, I’m still here if you need me. I’ll not abandon you lot.

 

I have so much to stress about right now, my anxiety is at the deep end and my depression is trying to creep back into my life (I have been struggling on-and-off again with severe anxiety and depression since I was 14) and is becoming hard to hold off. I have had to be so busy lately and its left me with no time for myself and, starting tomorrow, I am going to become even busier ... I finally had a day to myself and some time to write but I haven't been able to get anything down due to my brain melting from the shock of having some time for me. Some people have told me that I should have just relaxed today and not tried to make my brain work even more by writing on my first day 'off' but if I don't try to write today then when will I write considering I am going to be back to being busy from tomorrow onwards until - well, I dont know when my next day 'off' will be ...

I don't feel like I can get much support on this with my family or my partner right now since they have their own stresses to deal with and I don't want to add to that (though I know they would get upset if they read that or knew that that is how I feel - especially since me and my partner always confide in each other and I probably will talk to him about my stress at some point just not right now) and I don't have many writing friends that I am close enough to be able to discuss things with. Plus, my anxiety makes me think that I am wasting everyone's time and bugging them simply by saying anything so, you know, there's that, haha.

Anyway, didn't really want to rant on here etc but I don't know where else to let it all out right now.

 

It's situations like this that make me so frustrated with the "writers write" and "you have to write every day" mindset.

You have to live every day. You have to get through your shit and have your experiences and grow and struggle and fail and succeed and then do it all over again. And then when you do have time to write, you'll really have something to write about!

So if you wanted to write because it's your favourite "you time" activity, then I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. But if you wanted to write because you felt like you had to, or else you weren't a real writer? Forget that. Writers live, and when they can, they write.

 

It's not to do with the 'you have to write every day' ideology ... I got past that while doing my undergraduate and masters degree ... its the fact that I have been so stressed and busy that I haven't been able to write since 6th September this year and I finally got one day when I finally had nothing else to do and could focus on writing for the first time since 6th September and yet I couldn't write a single thing because of the stress, and anxiety, and depression that I am currently facing. So, I just meant that I am now frustrated because I don't know when I will have the opportunity again to write since my schedule goes back to having no me-time from tomorrow until I don't know when. I have plenty to write about and I know what I want to write I just couldn't do it ...

Its not the first day I have tried since 6th September either ... I have tried lots of times since then but I have so much to do and so little time to myself recently that whenever I finally stop to write I find it hard to stop thinking about everything that is going on or around me and so I can't focus and then end up doing more work so that I don't feel guilty for 'wasting time' (an ideology that got put into my head while growing up by a variety of people that is apparently hard to get rid of even now) trying to write when it feels like I would have to fight my mind to do so. It's not just work that is getting in the way either ... I have a lot of personal stress going on right now as well.

I know this is something I need to sort out for myself and that it is something no one might be able to help me with but I needed to get out how I was feeling since I don't feel like I can turn to a lot of people right now. Writing is something I have done and loved since I was 5 years old so not being able to do it for long periods of time and then struggling to do be able to do it when I finally get time can actually feel pretty soul-destroying at times ... I know that might sound a little over dramatic but I don't feel like myself if I take too much time away from writing.

 

Having OCD while being a writer is the worst hell I can imagine. Usually I can control it (even momentarily) when I'm on a roll, but when inspiration is gone or I relapse hard (like yesterday) it takes me weeks to get back on track. I've written while on depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, physical illnesses, you name it, but this, OCD, I feel I can't fight it and I curse the moment I got the condition